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Laura C's avatar

Love this part: "Forgiveness as a way to get to radical repair requires actual work and effort, creativity, sacrifice, ingenuity, and community. Thinking that forgiveness is 'magical' makes us lazy in the aftermath of wrongdoing, and it often leads us down the road towards superficial and thrifty repair, instead of the more radical kind."

The part about victims being asked to forgive so quickly always gets me -- especially when there's absolutely no sign that the person who harmed them is apologizing. Not that they should automatically have to accept an apology, not at all, but to put people on the spot about forgiveness when it's not even being asked for in even the shallowest way! So much of the time, these external demands for forgiveness, and not just in the case of crimes, are really just a way to say to people that they don't have a right to expect to be treated better and it's on them to be gracious about it.

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Alison Christiana's avatar

thank you so much for sharing their work and this topic.

forgiveness as a concept is difficult for me, at times, to disconnect white/christian/spiritual bypassing culture where comfort of everyone but the harmed seems of utmost import. about 5 years ago, i attended a therapeutic training program led by majority white teachers and my cohort was also majority white (i am a female POC). i became the center of a racialized conflict due to harm that was done by the lead white male instructor to me. it was unsettling and wild how quickly after the event (i’m talking minutes) many in the class rushed to comfort the instructor over my experience - which ultimately led to me leaving the program after additional harm was added due to the mishandling of the first. i know it’s human, but so many cannot handle those “negative” emotions in themselves or others nor can they sit with their own missteps without completely collapsing (which adds even more labor to the harmed).

i’m also a transracial adoptee currently in limited contact with my adoptive parent, and it’s such a complex process to navigate forgiveness at levels that are personal, structural, institutional, and societal all at the same time. it often feels unfair that i’m the one tasked at accepting and forgiving everyone involved at every level. i’m thankful to have a therapist who reminds me that my process is my own, doesn’t need to be rushed, and doesn’t need to have any particular outcome. i’m looking forward to reading this book!

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