Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Rebecca R's avatar

Thank you so much for this interview. I'm a former competitive athlete (current recreational athlete) with two elementary school aged daughters in youth sports. This echoes much of my experience so far. Sports, and especially team sports, were incredibly important to building my understanding of myself growing up. Even now, competing against myself in a reasonable way motivates and fills me in a way that not much else does. I've seen this in both of my kids, but in one of my daughters in particular. She is never happier than when she is moving and playing. Participating in team sports has given her connections to other kids and a sense of belonging that is truly wonderful to witness. Could she get these things through other means? Probably. But she hasn't found them yet and she has found sports.

The feeling that my kids won't have the same opportunities as other kids if they opt out of the competitive sports program is very, very real. At least in my area, there is a strong assumption that kids will fall behind if they don't start competitive programs at a young age. I think this is gross. I hate it. And yet when my kid comes to me and asks to play with her friends and worries she won't get picked for this or that team if she doesn't join them in some program or other, it's really hard to be the parent who says no.

We've also had less than great experiences with some of the recreational and less competitive sports youth sports programs in the area. Some of them are great and we have opted to stay in those programs over more competitive ones. But one rec league in particular was not great, and my experience is that this was due directly to the lack of training and self-selection of the parents who volunteered to coach. I'm grateful that these parents volunteered to take the time to coach, but I also realize that in this program, those parents exacerbated the worst possible aspects of youth sports. Yelling was common. There was no control of parents on the sidelines so those parents were yelling at their kids or trying to coach from off the field. The coaches (and the league) didn't have the resources or the framework to work with parents who didn't have time to be overinvolved or didn't speak English as a first language. And all but one of the coaches we experienced were men. It turns out that those guys who played co-ed rec sports as adults and ruin it for everyone are also the guys who coached their kids in this co-ed rec sports league and ruined it for all the adults and kids. I tried volunteering and spent two years justifying myself and abilities to other (male) parents before finally getting frustrated and quitting. The other female parents who have tried to volunteer and that I have talked to had similar experiences, and none of them stuck around. (See also: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/08/22/women-coach-boys-sports-leadership/).

Switching to a more competitive (read: expensive) program was like night and day. The coaches are professionals and know how to teach effectively in a positive environment. Parents are not allowed to coach or yell from the sidelines, and this is strictly enforced. It's been a way better experience for all involved.

So what do we do as parents? I would love to see the atmosphere and quality coaching that are available in a private/competitive program be available to everyone regardless of economic status and skill level. I'm really encouraged by the references in the article to others who are spending time and resources trying to make this happen.

Expand full comment
Emily's avatar

This was such a good read. My kid is 8 and LOVES soccer and is playing on his first "travel" team (nothing overnight, just other nearby towns), and it is the sort of thing where the way his current organization does it works really well, but I know it only works that well because a LOT of people have put a ton of time, energy, and money into getting it there. They've spent the last 4-5 years making sure that everything is translated so that kids whose parents don't speak English can participate. They make sure that financially anyone who wants to participate can. They support coaching training for anyone who volunteers. And none of this happened overnight--they had to set metrics (e.g. the demographic makeup of the league should reflect the demographic makeup of the school district) and be accountable to them!

The thread I'm trying to pull on, and I'm not sure if this is a function of where I live, COVID stuff, financials or what--probably a little bit of everything--is how few options there are to just...learn something and try it out. When I was a kid, it really seemed like there were tons of 4-6 week programs (ice skating! swimming! basketball!) that had an instructional rather than a competitive focus. It's so hard to try stuff out when you have to either commit to an exorbitant monthly fee or an entire semester/year of something. When my kid was preschool age there was a great rec program where high schoolers basically ran a "try a bunch of sports" class for them--more of that needs to happen at older ages!

Expand full comment
31 more comments...

No posts