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I had to kind of laugh at myself here, because my instant response to this was remembering how many years I’ve tried to cut back on these small things. Which might sound odd, but I’m: incredibly introverted while being dedicated to community in so many ways, including as a form of citizenship that I wish many more people would understand the need for; and a person who consistently brings soup to a friend who’s sick or other things for someone going through trauma and always, always follows through on what I’ve committed to no matter how draining I’ve found them. I am constantly out of time and overcommitted and sacrificing a lot of my own needs.
The more people who do these small things, though, the more it all gets spread out in the community and the less pressure there is on a few people who always show up. AND it builds community bonds, social capital, and healthy interdependence.
My strategy has been to choose two areas I really care about (for me it’s walking and education) and do things that serve those. Show up at school board meetings now and then (this is something I’ve let slide during Covid, but I also pair up with some other people and we trade off), find ways to talk to city staff or city council about missing or impassable sidewalks, play math games with elementary school kids, try to build momentum around creating a community where kids can walk and bike to school safely (this seems to be taking the rest of my life). And just be there for people.
I keep trying and failing and trying to cut back. But one thing I’ve learned is how much time and showing-up-ness it takes to make change in a community, or make things happen. It’s very inefficient while also building connection. Maybe the more people who can give these things a tiny bit of time, the more things can shift for the better.
Going for walks with people is never a bad move, IMHO!
"It's very inefficient while also building connection." Goodness I love this. It really distills the pain and the delight for me.
I think a lot about effectiveness vs efficiency. Efficiency is a great way to build and measure certain specific things, but our culture tends to apply it everywhere without questioning whether it's the right measure, and public policy can confuse it with effectiveness -- probably because effectiveness (which in this case might include outcomes like "functioning, holistic community in my town") is harder to quantify. Which is another problem of measurement, perhaps.
I was thinking about this exact thing last week (which is why this prompt made me laugh at myself) when I had to meet some city staff and the elementary school principal and some other parents at a crosswalk from a street that's popular for people dropping their kids off and also has no sidewalk. There was, I cannot emphasize enough, ZERO need for me to be there. None. The only people really needed were city staff -- who could take action to make changes -- and maybe the two parents who lived nearby and walk their kids to school on that dangerous stretch of road. But me showing up somehow made it possible. For no reason except that I've been involved in this stuff for years. It had to be rescheduled twice, once to accommodate me, even though I tried to get them to meet without me and I contributed nothing. It's SO inefficient. But, as you put it, effective.
Hard same. Really useful and enjoyable as well. Reminds me why I LOVE walking so much -- why I should actively value it, and how to help pass that value forward.
You sound like someone literally *creating* community and working to make it better. I am very much in awe of people such as yourself and also very grateful.
I don't know about that but I try! One thing I'm constantly conscious of is that I moved back to my hometown (in northwest Montana) 8 years ago, and did it knowing that community was a top priority for me, AND that my town has a longstanding history of community involvement. That makes it so much easier than starting from scratch, I think. But also I've seen over and over that what it really takes is a few people who care, get together, and start showing up (city council, school board, wherever), and then get ready to be in it for the long haul and be very, very bored.
I take my kids to city council meetings sometimes. They always talk about how boring they are. And I say, "Yes, they're incredibly boring. So are the planning board meetings and the school board work sessions and all the rest of it. But if good people don't show up to these things and be prepared to deal with the work and the boredom, you know who doesn't mind it and ends up running things? Zealots and ideologues." Which doesn't mean it's not still a drag :)
Have you read Book Lovers by Emily Henry? There's a lovely part of the story that involves showing up for (boring!) community meetings for similar reasons.
I have one that I will not need help or support on because it's going to happen. In a word, it's stairs.
As I've mentioned a couple times, I live in a cohousing community. Well, starting probably next month, our single elevator will be being replaced, a seven-week process during which all of the most elderly and frail people who live in the elevator building part of the complex (where I also live) will be needing a lot of help just doing stuff like getting groceries or mail up to their front doors. And I'm right here and work from home. Our community is organizing more than an ad hoc call your neighbor, but outside of the scheduled times when people will be available to do that stuff, I would expect to be getting a lot of calls for help, as I have during the recent elevator outages leading up to the replacement project.
Go you! I have wanted to live in a cohousing community ever since I learned about its existence. That probably won't happen. So glad you have that opportunity and are so supportive of your neighbors.
Not going to lie, it can also be a pain in the butt of endless meetings and an ethos of bending over backwards for the most difficult and demanding people in the community. But there are a lot of good things and it is amazing for my kid.
Oooh, I have a thing: a Lego playdate for myself and a friend.
I've got this friend who I met through our UU church and we get along super well and I'd like to be even more connected, and anyway we were chatting recently about how we both really enjoy Lego as adults but our kids are the ones who are always getting Legos, and she invited me over to her house for a grown-up Lego playdate. And my anxious self has been trying to nudge me towards finding some way to avoid it, reminding me how scary it is to drive unfamiliar routes (seriously, this is SO scary to me) and how weird it feels to be in someone's house that isn't mine, and how COVID precautions are going to work (even though friend and I are both super cautious and also we can just talk about it!), etc, etc...but dammit, I'm going to say yes.
This sounds so fun. I didn't have much 'stuff' growing up poor, but did amass two buckets of Legos I loved even as I got older. Had to give them up along with everything else during patches of homelessness, and while I've since forgotten a lot of the childhood things I lost in the rough times, I still miss those Legos. I bet you'll have a great time once you get there. :)
I am very recently separated and this challenge is timely. I am going to commit to Sunday community yoga (that is followed by a dance party - gulp!), reaching out to a local org that help support the unhoused and go to queer event at my local coffee house. Scared and so ready.
I love this gentle push, but it also feels so hard. My kid is now a teen, so finding friends via him is a no-opt. But we aren't empty nesters or retirees, so finding other adults to hang out with is a challenge. Maybe it's a function of where I live, but my peers aren't particularly welcoming into their friend groups. They will make polite chitchat, but there's a coldness, a lack of inclusion, a distance that exists. So. It becomes harder and harder to try. It becomes easier to believe the a**hole brain's lies.
But! I appreciate this gentle call out as a reminder to keep trying, channel Stuart Smallery (I've likely aged myself with that reference 🙃), and keep going.
Also, if anyone reads this and feels the same heaviness, let's connect. Maybe we can find some lightness.
It can be so, so hard — and I know you're not alone in feeling that your community acts this way (I find it's usually particularly hard in very white and upper-middle-class areas that are really focused on achievement, status, success, productivity, efficiency, etc., if that vibes at all with your experience!). My advice might actually be to stop trying to be friends with these people who don't seem interested in being friends with you (or, frankly, anyone other than their exisitign circles) in your immediate community. What are people decades older than you doing, for example? I also find this is usually easier when it's around something you really like to do, like birding, or gardening, or building — but that also requires knowing what you want to do.
Thanks Anne for taking the time to respond. You are on to something about the upper middle class areas that focus on achievement, etc. My area is fairly culturally diverse , but everything else matches -- the productivity culture, the achievement culture, etc.
Ultimate it's about showing up. Over and over again. I suppose that's the hack: is remembering this process is slow and it's okay to tap out at times.
Yes! I am in the exact position!! I have 2 teens and a young adult(w/developmental disabilities)at home. I have been home for 18 years, minus a few years where I worked part-time at kids’ schools. I am turning 50 this week and feel like how in the heck do people make friends at my age? I have made mom friends along the way, but things change, people move, etc.
Pre-Covid I would sign up for community classes here and there-everyone was nice enough, but it never went any further than the classes. Neighbors are all great but we only talk when our in the yard, walking the dog, etc. Our favorite neighbors moved last summer and I joke with my husband that now I have no social life.
I have found the same to be true-where I live people are nice to chitchat with, but it stops there. Or they will say we should get together and it never happens-as I kind of feel like they are just saying that(why?)to say it.
I’m good enough, I’m smart enough...haha..Stuart Smalley!
Me too. I'm 50, my youngest child of 3 is a senior in high school, and I finally feel like I have some time—but the lack of interest from most people in my upper middle class (and also quite conservative (I didn't know!!!)) town is mutual. I have the neighbor 2 doors down whom I love, but we only interact with kids, dogs and after 17+ years, I've literally never asked her out for coffee. She has a lot on her plate, and and and and...
I signed up for a community drawing class, which I really like, but it's all very polite. And the person I really liked from the last go around of this class this time is sitting all the way across the room! My brother and sister in law live sort of nearby, but they only want a ready-made "group," and we're just individuals, so they often cast us aside (even though we all get along so well).
Yes to all of this, except the conservative town part(I live in a liberal suburb of a large metropolitan city in the Midwest)!:).
You’re so right, it’s all very polite! It’s too bad your brother and sister-in-law aren’t as open to getting together since you all get along so well. I would prefer individuals vs a group myself ha!
I feel like I get up in my head about all of “this”, maybe it’s the stage of life I am in? I have been thinking more of community and what I have to offer-I volunteer, we help our neighbors w/whatever they need, donate when we can, etc.
I don't want you to suffer this like I am, Andrea, but you just made me feel a lot better about it all!
The drawing class experience is genuinely strange, but seems kind of usual, somehow. Literally, we went around the room at the start and explained our previous experience with drawing and said why we signed up, and literally every single person (except for one, who seems really not nice) said, in one way or another, that she was hoping for a sense of community from the class. Yet, still polite.
I just tried to find a book club within a 20-minute drive of my house, and came up empty (meetup does not understand that NY and MD don't even share a border). Then I got terribly sad about it and quit.
I know you're right, that the goal has to be to give, not to receive, or it won't do what we hope it will. But I don't even necessarily know how/where to do that. Somehow, I think even that would be easier with a buddy who had some time like I do. :)
That makes me so happy! I love that everyone(minus one)in the class said they were looking for a sense of community. I love the book club idea, would a library near you have one?
I understand not knowing how/where to do it. I started reaching out/volunteering before the pandemic as I was feeling lost/not part of anything. I fostered dogs, and it was so nice to feel like I was helping. I also got to meet other like-minded people, who love dogs/cats/animals as much as I do. No lasting friendships came of it(which was fine)but I felt part of a community. I couldn’t continue doing that with kids home during pandemic so I started volunteering with a hospice to sew/make fidget mats for their clients with dementia. I haven’t met anyone in person, other than when I drop the finished mats off at the office. I don’t expect to meet anyone, but just like fostering dogs, I feel a part of a community-which makes me feel good. That’s not to say I wouldn’t like a friend/acquaintance or two in my immediate community!:).
And yep -- I've made the mom friends along the way but they have run their course.
I really struggle with the empty/ polite "let's get together" because I take it to mean, ya, let's! Like, why say it if you don't mean it? In other news, I tend to be tad literal 😆.
It's just . Hard. And then social media spreads lies of everyone out there living their lives with their Bffs, having a grand time. Which, I know, is curated and highlight reel. Still.
Anyhoo, I'm cheering for us and finding connections. Xo
It helps me to remember that the people who say, “let’s get together!” and then don’t follow through have the exact same hang ups I do about making new friends. A response that might be helpful: “I would love that! Do you have a favorite coffee shop?” .... “oh I love that place/I’ve been meaning to go there. Would you want to get together there this week or next?”
THIS, is EXACTLY what I was thinking. When people say let,s get together, maybe they mean it maybe they don't, the only way to find out is to take a risk and make a concrete plan. After the first "date" you will know
Me too! Turning 50 next week, kids now young adults/one teen, have lived in this upper middle class 80% white suburb for 15 years and have maybe 1.7 friends? I quit everything in person 3 years ago and have hardly gone back. I had a group of women I knew through a volunteer board over for drinks in September. I was so anxious about it - they all have so many *real* friends, they’re so busy, they don’t wanna - but it was fun and they seemed genuinely delighted to come over. My sister always says “it never feels bad to be invited” which I tell myself whenever I try to back out of extending an invite. So, I just emailed college friends I haven’t seen in 23 years because I’m passing through their town over the weekend and we’re going to have coffee! Tiny steps. I also tend to feel like my caregiving energies are exhausted on my mother so I’m looking for ways to be a connected community member that hold me as well as the community. I will commit to attending one public book group with or without bringing along someone I know.
I'm having some fellow moms of first-graders over for drinks (and a playdate for the kids) on Friday after school. We've always generally gotten along when we see each other at school/kid events, but at one of the kid's birthday parties this weekend we talked about how fun it would be to get together. And then I ACTUALLY FOLLOWED UP WITH A TEXT WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!? That in and of itself feels like it's own small victory. (Cue me now worried about what to serve. I should have snacks! What if they think my snacks are weird? What if they hate my house and notice all the crumbs/upholstery stains/whatever? To which I keep reminding myself that NOBODY ACTUALLY CARES and if they do they're total assholes.)
I would be excited about any snacks--I think your people will just be excited that there are snacks for them to consume that somebody else thought of and made!
I've been in my new community since May, and haven't attended any AA meetings. I was very active in AA in my old community, and most of my work and social contact still happens in my old community (working remote). I need to start making friends here, and making a life here, and start letting go of some stuff from there. I'll go to an AA meeting this weekend.
The "theme words" I've chosen for this year are calm, creativity, and connection. I'm really grateful for this post, because as a woman nearing fifty, it's difficult to make connections with other people. I'm really good at long distance friendships, because I enjoy writing letters, and in-person things are few and far between (and are special occasions). But the prospect of regular, day to day connections seems so much more daunting.
I've been fixing to attend a UU church service, because I know and like a couple of people there already (and when I lived in New Orleans, it was a wonderful center of connection for me). I'm taking your post today as a challenge to actually go to a church service this Sunday.
Almost exactly this weekend 8 years ago, I convinced myself to go to a service at our UU church after literally years of thinking I should go. It was SUCH a good decision - the folks I've met there really have become a community home for me. I hope your experience is good!
I moved to a new city about six months ago, and I've been hungering for some kind of community outside of friends and friends of friends (all my age) AND some kind of spiritual connection. This thread has inspired me to actually GO to to my local UU service this Sunday, which I've thought about for years!
I’m 54 and I feel this too. I’ve had trouble finding other 50’s to be friends with after the pandemic. Where are they? My sister-in-law joined a UU some number of years ago, and she made some wonderful friendships with women who have become her closest confidants, travel buddies, and support system. I’m cheering you on!
This challenge is so timely: my wife and I just moved to Montreal so that they could take their dream job, and I'm struggling a little bit with the transition. Part of the challenge is that I lived in my old community for over 10 years and was pretty firmly entrenched in a couple local scenes; part of it is just the regular challenge of making friends in a new city your 30s; part is that I'm working from home and don't really interact with anyone besides my wife during the normal course of events; and part is that my normal levels of social anxiety are amplified a hundred-fold by the language and language politics. My French is mediocre (I'm working on it!), but I'm not yet confident starting conversations in French and don't want to get stuck in an Anglo silo.
There are lots of meetup groups for French and some of the public libraries set up people with volunteers to practise. There are also both English and French book clubs through the libraries and depending on your french skills you may want to attend. I moved away from Montreal in 2020 otherwise I'd say come hang out. I know Puzzled Pint is starting up in person events in the next few months. There are board game cafes and circus classes and so many free festivals. You can meet people! I believe in you!
What a great idea! Before I share my to do item, I am a deep believer in this. My then- boyfriend (now husband of 30+ years) and I moved from the east coast to Seattle in the late 80s and immediately settled on a different island south of yours. We were in our early 20s and it was a super strange thing to do: there was nothing to do here, and we were the only young people without kids. But I had a studio practice, back then it was all affordable, and it suited us. We made friends from a bunch of generations (a kid I babysat for is now a dear pal!), and stuck around. We eventually had kids (not a foregone conclusion!) and now the kids are leaving for other places. All very circle of life, but together those experiences mean that even tho the place has grown (more than doubled), and there have now been so many chapters, I’ve mostly felt a sense of community, and a compulsion to do my part to welcome new people. Putting yourself out there is hard, especially for introverts and especially in the winter (I too meant to bake cookies and didn’t). But you can do it in small ways that are comfortable for you, and those gestures amplify over time. This is home to me, I have a deep community here, and I’m grateful for that.
My to do is simple: we have new neighbors, a family with a young kid. The mom stopped working because… pandemic childcare. She seems lonely. So I am going to introduce her to my awesome friend who has a kid of a similar age, and see if she and another neighbor (who I adore and rarely see) want to go for a walk.
This is somewhat dependent on outside factors beyond my control (someone volunteering to carpool), but I reached out to the local UU congregation and asked about how I could attend their full moon labyrinth walks! The director is connecting me with someone else who will, hopefully, be able to coordinate that.
This is the real problem with not being able to drive. I miss out on so many social opportunities because I can't get there, you know?
You're not alone in this, it's the biggest factor in my isolation. I'm not from California originally, only know my best friend and their partner here, and was used to a big city with awesome public transit--now I need a ride just to get groceries or see a movie. I'm lucky to have a best friend who will provide that in exchange for my help with their car costs, but it creates a barrier that makes staying home more appealing. I end up feeling like a burden or an imposition when they're too busy to fit me in and even when they can, it has to be around their timetable; in my past life I was more independent, and I miss that.
Hopefully you'll get good news about the walk soon! That sounds like a great way to get to know people and also have fun.
Yes, all of this. There's limited public transit where I am - I can get to the movies but not, realistically, to the grocery store. (I would be screwed if Instacart didn't exist.) I can get most of the way to work but my coworkers have to pick me up at the station. I spent most of my adult life before the pandemic in a major city with excellent public transportation and being out here in the 'burbs is a real struggle. I feel you, re: missing independence. I hate feeling like I'm a bother or a burden to other people, you know?
(This might be a good convo for the Discord, too.)
I saved this for a reply when I came up for air, because I liked your Discord suggestion...and now I'm trying to find new Discord homes! Go figure. This is still so relevant, though, because I successfully braved a local event to meet new people, but had to Uber home--and my Uber driver asked me out when I was trying to exit the car. Which really added to my general wariness of having to rely on strangers to get around. Wishing you good luck with these feelings and the limitations outside of your control.
I’m living in a small beach community near my hometown for winter and I’m ping pong-ing between isolation/WFH and host-mode. This being Florida, people talk to each other casually a lot more than DC so I’m challenging myself to overcome my learned reaction of big city avoidance and instead engage back with chatty folks in the grocery store, on the pool deck, walking along the beach, at the community yoga I’ve been going to, etc. It’s almost a culture shock despite growing up here.
The yoga class was a big one for me- I try to coerce myself to try new workout studios/yoga classes often when I travel but group exercise is FRAUGHT with opportunities for embarrassment. Which way do I orient my mat? Where do bags go? What if I don’t know how to do the flow the way everyone who goes to this studio does? What if (god forbid) I knock my water bottle over? In community yoga here, I committed multiple minor embarrassments including asking the woman who was paying for the class if she was the person I should pay because she was interacting with the cash pile. The horror! Not to mention I flush with embarrassment very easily. But generally no one else remembers 2 seconds later (even though I’m sharing on the internet 3 weeks later). It’s usually worth it. Good luck to everyone with getting out there!
The bulleted list here has so many good ideas. I'm bookmarking this for when the pandemic is over (or at least better) and I can try them. I think I finally have enough of a handle on my social anxiety that I could at least try some of these things and not feel so awful after that I'm demotivated to try again.
Absolutely respecting your Covid comfort levels — and also pushing us to think of ways to build community that don't involve significant or even small risk, like offering to run an errand!
With two kids in college, my schedule has begun clearing enough that I actually am bored on my days off of work (I work retail, so days off change weekly, shift times change as well) with fewer errands, no school events to attend, etc. So I've begun volunteering at a local food shelf about three days a month. They make it easy, they send out a weekly email with open shift needs, or you can sign up in advance online. It's about four hours a shift, anything from checking in donations and stocking shelves to helping clients choose food to packing for home delivery. And I can get my errands done before or after, and still meet a friend for coffee or a walk depending on the shift. Now, I'm going to get back to volunteering for Dress for Success and once I'm on a rotation there, see about adding a third!
I love that they send out the email with shifts — one small problem I had with making a previous commitment to a food shelf is that it had to be the same three hour shift every week (I understand why!) and the amount I traveled for reporting made that difficult if not impossible.
I think the emails and online sign up is a game changer. I can decide a day or two in advance if I have nothing going on for a few hours and volunteer! Obviously, you do need regular volunteers on the schedule, but there is something to be said for flexibility as well.
Jan 18, 2023·edited Jan 18, 2023Liked by Anne Helen Petersen
In early 2022 I moved back to Chicago after a long time away (10 years), and have struggled to get involved with my friends and community again. Part of it is definitely laziness/social anxiety/it's easier to stay home and watch tv, but it's also the fact that my partner and I still take covid pretty seriously (he has a chronic illness), and I'm afraid to put myself out there (on Bumble BFF or something) and then be seen as some ~weirdo~ who still takes covid tests, masks in crowded spaces, and avoids indoor dining when most of the world appears to have moved on. I feel like that might be a lot of rules/requirements for nascent friendships, even though I don't think it's a big deal and would totally do these things for someone else. Anyway, it's hard! It doesn't help that we moved from California where there were way more options for outdoor activities (hikes, neighborhood walks, beach walks, outdoor dining, etc.) than Chicago in the winter.
I feel this too. I also moved back to Chicago in 2022 after being gone for over a decade and while I have a few friends still here, we are scattered widely across the city. It was so much easier making my friends here when I was in my 20s and unattached as opposed to being in my 40s, married with 2 kids and a long commute.
I will say that I think there are probably others out there who feel similarly to you. (I would totally do it for someone else) I know have felt this regarding trying to build relationships more with the families within our school community. I know it would be nice to connect more with them but I feel absolutely paralyzed with anxiety about arranging play dates and needing to ask things like “are there weapons in the home?” and “do you let your kids get on internet/phones unsupervised?” It feels like some intense questions for someone I’ve just met. I guess it’s a feeling that I might be “too much” for others. And yes. Chicago winters — everyone just hibernates and it feels hard to get out there.
I signed up for a weekly painting group at the local church. That is terrifying because I am a word person, not a design person. Also, I am not religious. But the social activities in my central Swedish town seem to be limited to the university, the senior centers, and the church. I start next week. The suggestions are good. I would modify the following one slightly: "Reach out to someone in your peer/friend group who’s dealing with chronic illness or disability and ask how you can support them this week — and make a plan for more consistent, weekly support."
As a codependent with ADHD and not that much free time, I would also encourage folks to reach out to someone with chronic illness or disability and ask to support them this or next week. Then do the thing. Then see how it feels. If all systems are go, ask again in a few weeks and see how that goes. You don't want to damage a new or existing relationship. Consistent support is probably more important than weekly support. Experiment to see what is sustainable for you personally before making a long-term commitment that you may not be able to honour.
I had to kind of laugh at myself here, because my instant response to this was remembering how many years I’ve tried to cut back on these small things. Which might sound odd, but I’m: incredibly introverted while being dedicated to community in so many ways, including as a form of citizenship that I wish many more people would understand the need for; and a person who consistently brings soup to a friend who’s sick or other things for someone going through trauma and always, always follows through on what I’ve committed to no matter how draining I’ve found them. I am constantly out of time and overcommitted and sacrificing a lot of my own needs.
The more people who do these small things, though, the more it all gets spread out in the community and the less pressure there is on a few people who always show up. AND it builds community bonds, social capital, and healthy interdependence.
My strategy has been to choose two areas I really care about (for me it’s walking and education) and do things that serve those. Show up at school board meetings now and then (this is something I’ve let slide during Covid, but I also pair up with some other people and we trade off), find ways to talk to city staff or city council about missing or impassable sidewalks, play math games with elementary school kids, try to build momentum around creating a community where kids can walk and bike to school safely (this seems to be taking the rest of my life). And just be there for people.
I keep trying and failing and trying to cut back. But one thing I’ve learned is how much time and showing-up-ness it takes to make change in a community, or make things happen. It’s very inefficient while also building connection. Maybe the more people who can give these things a tiny bit of time, the more things can shift for the better.
Going for walks with people is never a bad move, IMHO!
"It's very inefficient while also building connection." Goodness I love this. It really distills the pain and the delight for me.
I think a lot about effectiveness vs efficiency. Efficiency is a great way to build and measure certain specific things, but our culture tends to apply it everywhere without questioning whether it's the right measure, and public policy can confuse it with effectiveness -- probably because effectiveness (which in this case might include outcomes like "functioning, holistic community in my town") is harder to quantify. Which is another problem of measurement, perhaps.
Yes! To all of that.
I was thinking about this exact thing last week (which is why this prompt made me laugh at myself) when I had to meet some city staff and the elementary school principal and some other parents at a crosswalk from a street that's popular for people dropping their kids off and also has no sidewalk. There was, I cannot emphasize enough, ZERO need for me to be there. None. The only people really needed were city staff -- who could take action to make changes -- and maybe the two parents who lived nearby and walk their kids to school on that dangerous stretch of road. But me showing up somehow made it possible. For no reason except that I've been involved in this stuff for years. It had to be rescheduled twice, once to accommodate me, even though I tried to get them to meet without me and I contributed nothing. It's SO inefficient. But, as you put it, effective.
I loved your book! I recommend it all the time when the subject of walking comes up.
Hard same. Really useful and enjoyable as well. Reminds me why I LOVE walking so much -- why I should actively value it, and how to help pass that value forward.
Goodness, thank you! Walking almost never fails me ...
You sound like someone literally *creating* community and working to make it better. I am very much in awe of people such as yourself and also very grateful.
I don't know about that but I try! One thing I'm constantly conscious of is that I moved back to my hometown (in northwest Montana) 8 years ago, and did it knowing that community was a top priority for me, AND that my town has a longstanding history of community involvement. That makes it so much easier than starting from scratch, I think. But also I've seen over and over that what it really takes is a few people who care, get together, and start showing up (city council, school board, wherever), and then get ready to be in it for the long haul and be very, very bored.
I take my kids to city council meetings sometimes. They always talk about how boring they are. And I say, "Yes, they're incredibly boring. So are the planning board meetings and the school board work sessions and all the rest of it. But if good people don't show up to these things and be prepared to deal with the work and the boredom, you know who doesn't mind it and ends up running things? Zealots and ideologues." Which doesn't mean it's not still a drag :)
Have you read Book Lovers by Emily Henry? There's a lovely part of the story that involves showing up for (boring!) community meetings for similar reasons.
I haven't but now I want to!
I have one that I will not need help or support on because it's going to happen. In a word, it's stairs.
As I've mentioned a couple times, I live in a cohousing community. Well, starting probably next month, our single elevator will be being replaced, a seven-week process during which all of the most elderly and frail people who live in the elevator building part of the complex (where I also live) will be needing a lot of help just doing stuff like getting groceries or mail up to their front doors. And I'm right here and work from home. Our community is organizing more than an ad hoc call your neighbor, but outside of the scheduled times when people will be available to do that stuff, I would expect to be getting a lot of calls for help, as I have during the recent elevator outages leading up to the replacement project.
Go you! I have wanted to live in a cohousing community ever since I learned about its existence. That probably won't happen. So glad you have that opportunity and are so supportive of your neighbors.
Not going to lie, it can also be a pain in the butt of endless meetings and an ethos of bending over backwards for the most difficult and demanding people in the community. But there are a lot of good things and it is amazing for my kid.
Makes total sense! Adding this link to my to-read list!
Laura, have you written more about this experience anywhere? Would love to read if so! 😊
I haven't really, partly because of the challenges of writing about the people I live around and striking a balance where I felt like I was adequately presenting the challenges but it wouldn't be a problem for some of them to find and read it. This was one very small vignette but not any kind of in depth take. https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2021/11/25/2052705/-The-pandemic-has-been-isolating-but-I-ll-always-be-grateful-for-one-moment-of-community
Oooh, I have a thing: a Lego playdate for myself and a friend.
I've got this friend who I met through our UU church and we get along super well and I'd like to be even more connected, and anyway we were chatting recently about how we both really enjoy Lego as adults but our kids are the ones who are always getting Legos, and she invited me over to her house for a grown-up Lego playdate. And my anxious self has been trying to nudge me towards finding some way to avoid it, reminding me how scary it is to drive unfamiliar routes (seriously, this is SO scary to me) and how weird it feels to be in someone's house that isn't mine, and how COVID precautions are going to work (even though friend and I are both super cautious and also we can just talk about it!), etc, etc...but dammit, I'm going to say yes.
Yes!!! You're going to say yes!
OMG. That sounds so fun!! I hope you go! Also, this should be a thing.
Why are grown up lego play dates not a thing??! You’re a trendsetter!
This sounds so fun. I didn't have much 'stuff' growing up poor, but did amass two buckets of Legos I loved even as I got older. Had to give them up along with everything else during patches of homelessness, and while I've since forgotten a lot of the childhood things I lost in the rough times, I still miss those Legos. I bet you'll have a great time once you get there. :)
That sounds so fun!
Say YES! Sounds so fun! 🤩
I am very recently separated and this challenge is timely. I am going to commit to Sunday community yoga (that is followed by a dance party - gulp!), reaching out to a local org that help support the unhoused and go to queer event at my local coffee house. Scared and so ready.
So ready!
These all sound very doable and enjoyable. You can do it!
You can do it!
You got this! (But in the good way, not in the Tara from White Lotus 2 way. 🙂)
Vulnerability post:
I love this gentle push, but it also feels so hard. My kid is now a teen, so finding friends via him is a no-opt. But we aren't empty nesters or retirees, so finding other adults to hang out with is a challenge. Maybe it's a function of where I live, but my peers aren't particularly welcoming into their friend groups. They will make polite chitchat, but there's a coldness, a lack of inclusion, a distance that exists. So. It becomes harder and harder to try. It becomes easier to believe the a**hole brain's lies.
But! I appreciate this gentle call out as a reminder to keep trying, channel Stuart Smallery (I've likely aged myself with that reference 🙃), and keep going.
Also, if anyone reads this and feels the same heaviness, let's connect. Maybe we can find some lightness.
It can be so, so hard — and I know you're not alone in feeling that your community acts this way (I find it's usually particularly hard in very white and upper-middle-class areas that are really focused on achievement, status, success, productivity, efficiency, etc., if that vibes at all with your experience!). My advice might actually be to stop trying to be friends with these people who don't seem interested in being friends with you (or, frankly, anyone other than their exisitign circles) in your immediate community. What are people decades older than you doing, for example? I also find this is usually easier when it's around something you really like to do, like birding, or gardening, or building — but that also requires knowing what you want to do.
Thanks Anne for taking the time to respond. You are on to something about the upper middle class areas that focus on achievement, etc. My area is fairly culturally diverse , but everything else matches -- the productivity culture, the achievement culture, etc.
Ultimate it's about showing up. Over and over again. I suppose that's the hack: is remembering this process is slow and it's okay to tap out at times.
Yes! I am in the exact position!! I have 2 teens and a young adult(w/developmental disabilities)at home. I have been home for 18 years, minus a few years where I worked part-time at kids’ schools. I am turning 50 this week and feel like how in the heck do people make friends at my age? I have made mom friends along the way, but things change, people move, etc.
Pre-Covid I would sign up for community classes here and there-everyone was nice enough, but it never went any further than the classes. Neighbors are all great but we only talk when our in the yard, walking the dog, etc. Our favorite neighbors moved last summer and I joke with my husband that now I have no social life.
I have found the same to be true-where I live people are nice to chitchat with, but it stops there. Or they will say we should get together and it never happens-as I kind of feel like they are just saying that(why?)to say it.
I’m good enough, I’m smart enough...haha..Stuart Smalley!
Me too. I'm 50, my youngest child of 3 is a senior in high school, and I finally feel like I have some time—but the lack of interest from most people in my upper middle class (and also quite conservative (I didn't know!!!)) town is mutual. I have the neighbor 2 doors down whom I love, but we only interact with kids, dogs and after 17+ years, I've literally never asked her out for coffee. She has a lot on her plate, and and and and...
I signed up for a community drawing class, which I really like, but it's all very polite. And the person I really liked from the last go around of this class this time is sitting all the way across the room! My brother and sister in law live sort of nearby, but they only want a ready-made "group," and we're just individuals, so they often cast us aside (even though we all get along so well).
Yes to all of this, except the conservative town part(I live in a liberal suburb of a large metropolitan city in the Midwest)!:).
You’re so right, it’s all very polite! It’s too bad your brother and sister-in-law aren’t as open to getting together since you all get along so well. I would prefer individuals vs a group myself ha!
I feel like I get up in my head about all of “this”, maybe it’s the stage of life I am in? I have been thinking more of community and what I have to offer-I volunteer, we help our neighbors w/whatever they need, donate when we can, etc.
I don't want you to suffer this like I am, Andrea, but you just made me feel a lot better about it all!
The drawing class experience is genuinely strange, but seems kind of usual, somehow. Literally, we went around the room at the start and explained our previous experience with drawing and said why we signed up, and literally every single person (except for one, who seems really not nice) said, in one way or another, that she was hoping for a sense of community from the class. Yet, still polite.
I just tried to find a book club within a 20-minute drive of my house, and came up empty (meetup does not understand that NY and MD don't even share a border). Then I got terribly sad about it and quit.
I know you're right, that the goal has to be to give, not to receive, or it won't do what we hope it will. But I don't even necessarily know how/where to do that. Somehow, I think even that would be easier with a buddy who had some time like I do. :)
That makes me so happy! I love that everyone(minus one)in the class said they were looking for a sense of community. I love the book club idea, would a library near you have one?
I understand not knowing how/where to do it. I started reaching out/volunteering before the pandemic as I was feeling lost/not part of anything. I fostered dogs, and it was so nice to feel like I was helping. I also got to meet other like-minded people, who love dogs/cats/animals as much as I do. No lasting friendships came of it(which was fine)but I felt part of a community. I couldn’t continue doing that with kids home during pandemic so I started volunteering with a hospice to sew/make fidget mats for their clients with dementia. I haven’t met anyone in person, other than when I drop the finished mats off at the office. I don’t expect to meet anyone, but just like fostering dogs, I feel a part of a community-which makes me feel good. That’s not to say I wouldn’t like a friend/acquaintance or two in my immediate community!:).
Also, would like to add I know not everyone can or wants to volunteer/has the time, just what works for me to feel a part of a community.
Mazel Tov on your upcoming birthday !
And yep -- I've made the mom friends along the way but they have run their course.
I really struggle with the empty/ polite "let's get together" because I take it to mean, ya, let's! Like, why say it if you don't mean it? In other news, I tend to be tad literal 😆.
It's just . Hard. And then social media spreads lies of everyone out there living their lives with their Bffs, having a grand time. Which, I know, is curated and highlight reel. Still.
Anyhoo, I'm cheering for us and finding connections. Xo
It helps me to remember that the people who say, “let’s get together!” and then don’t follow through have the exact same hang ups I do about making new friends. A response that might be helpful: “I would love that! Do you have a favorite coffee shop?” .... “oh I love that place/I’ve been meaning to go there. Would you want to get together there this week or next?”
THIS, is EXACTLY what I was thinking. When people say let,s get together, maybe they mean it maybe they don't, the only way to find out is to take a risk and make a concrete plan. After the first "date" you will know
Thank you!!! Cheering you on as well!
Hey, happy birthday in advance. 🙂
Thank you, I appreciate that! Perfect timing, it’s today!🙂
I absolutely experience this in Sweden. I am rooting for both of us!
Me too! Turning 50 next week, kids now young adults/one teen, have lived in this upper middle class 80% white suburb for 15 years and have maybe 1.7 friends? I quit everything in person 3 years ago and have hardly gone back. I had a group of women I knew through a volunteer board over for drinks in September. I was so anxious about it - they all have so many *real* friends, they’re so busy, they don’t wanna - but it was fun and they seemed genuinely delighted to come over. My sister always says “it never feels bad to be invited” which I tell myself whenever I try to back out of extending an invite. So, I just emailed college friends I haven’t seen in 23 years because I’m passing through their town over the weekend and we’re going to have coffee! Tiny steps. I also tend to feel like my caregiving energies are exhausted on my mother so I’m looking for ways to be a connected community member that hold me as well as the community. I will commit to attending one public book group with or without bringing along someone I know.
I'm having some fellow moms of first-graders over for drinks (and a playdate for the kids) on Friday after school. We've always generally gotten along when we see each other at school/kid events, but at one of the kid's birthday parties this weekend we talked about how fun it would be to get together. And then I ACTUALLY FOLLOWED UP WITH A TEXT WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!? That in and of itself feels like it's own small victory. (Cue me now worried about what to serve. I should have snacks! What if they think my snacks are weird? What if they hate my house and notice all the crumbs/upholstery stains/whatever? To which I keep reminding myself that NOBODY ACTUALLY CARES and if they do they're total assholes.)
Truly nobody actually cares and it's going to be great!
YOU ARE DOING IT! and yes what you said -- nobody actually cares and if they do they're total assholes.
I would be excited about any snacks--I think your people will just be excited that there are snacks for them to consume that somebody else thought of and made!
Ha ha. Yes, this is a great point. Snacks are excellent.
If they care about any of that then you have found out quickly that these are not your peeps!
I've been in my new community since May, and haven't attended any AA meetings. I was very active in AA in my old community, and most of my work and social contact still happens in my old community (working remote). I need to start making friends here, and making a life here, and start letting go of some stuff from there. I'll go to an AA meeting this weekend.
This is a great small yet big thing.
The "theme words" I've chosen for this year are calm, creativity, and connection. I'm really grateful for this post, because as a woman nearing fifty, it's difficult to make connections with other people. I'm really good at long distance friendships, because I enjoy writing letters, and in-person things are few and far between (and are special occasions). But the prospect of regular, day to day connections seems so much more daunting.
I've been fixing to attend a UU church service, because I know and like a couple of people there already (and when I lived in New Orleans, it was a wonderful center of connection for me). I'm taking your post today as a challenge to actually go to a church service this Sunday.
Almost exactly this weekend 8 years ago, I convinced myself to go to a service at our UU church after literally years of thinking I should go. It was SUCH a good decision - the folks I've met there really have become a community home for me. I hope your experience is good!
I moved to a new city about six months ago, and I've been hungering for some kind of community outside of friends and friends of friends (all my age) AND some kind of spiritual connection. This thread has inspired me to actually GO to to my local UU service this Sunday, which I've thought about for years!
I’m 54 and I feel this too. I’ve had trouble finding other 50’s to be friends with after the pandemic. Where are they? My sister-in-law joined a UU some number of years ago, and she made some wonderful friendships with women who have become her closest confidants, travel buddies, and support system. I’m cheering you on!
Our local UU church was also a good connection for me. Check it out!!
This challenge is so timely: my wife and I just moved to Montreal so that they could take their dream job, and I'm struggling a little bit with the transition. Part of the challenge is that I lived in my old community for over 10 years and was pretty firmly entrenched in a couple local scenes; part of it is just the regular challenge of making friends in a new city your 30s; part is that I'm working from home and don't really interact with anyone besides my wife during the normal course of events; and part is that my normal levels of social anxiety are amplified a hundred-fold by the language and language politics. My French is mediocre (I'm working on it!), but I'm not yet confident starting conversations in French and don't want to get stuck in an Anglo silo.
There are lots of meetup groups for French and some of the public libraries set up people with volunteers to practise. There are also both English and French book clubs through the libraries and depending on your french skills you may want to attend. I moved away from Montreal in 2020 otherwise I'd say come hang out. I know Puzzled Pint is starting up in person events in the next few months. There are board game cafes and circus classes and so many free festivals. You can meet people! I believe in you!
What a great idea! Before I share my to do item, I am a deep believer in this. My then- boyfriend (now husband of 30+ years) and I moved from the east coast to Seattle in the late 80s and immediately settled on a different island south of yours. We were in our early 20s and it was a super strange thing to do: there was nothing to do here, and we were the only young people without kids. But I had a studio practice, back then it was all affordable, and it suited us. We made friends from a bunch of generations (a kid I babysat for is now a dear pal!), and stuck around. We eventually had kids (not a foregone conclusion!) and now the kids are leaving for other places. All very circle of life, but together those experiences mean that even tho the place has grown (more than doubled), and there have now been so many chapters, I’ve mostly felt a sense of community, and a compulsion to do my part to welcome new people. Putting yourself out there is hard, especially for introverts and especially in the winter (I too meant to bake cookies and didn’t). But you can do it in small ways that are comfortable for you, and those gestures amplify over time. This is home to me, I have a deep community here, and I’m grateful for that.
My to do is simple: we have new neighbors, a family with a young kid. The mom stopped working because… pandemic childcare. She seems lonely. So I am going to introduce her to my awesome friend who has a kid of a similar age, and see if she and another neighbor (who I adore and rarely see) want to go for a walk.
Love this very much
This is somewhat dependent on outside factors beyond my control (someone volunteering to carpool), but I reached out to the local UU congregation and asked about how I could attend their full moon labyrinth walks! The director is connecting me with someone else who will, hopefully, be able to coordinate that.
This is the real problem with not being able to drive. I miss out on so many social opportunities because I can't get there, you know?
I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!
You're not alone in this, it's the biggest factor in my isolation. I'm not from California originally, only know my best friend and their partner here, and was used to a big city with awesome public transit--now I need a ride just to get groceries or see a movie. I'm lucky to have a best friend who will provide that in exchange for my help with their car costs, but it creates a barrier that makes staying home more appealing. I end up feeling like a burden or an imposition when they're too busy to fit me in and even when they can, it has to be around their timetable; in my past life I was more independent, and I miss that.
Hopefully you'll get good news about the walk soon! That sounds like a great way to get to know people and also have fun.
Yes, all of this. There's limited public transit where I am - I can get to the movies but not, realistically, to the grocery store. (I would be screwed if Instacart didn't exist.) I can get most of the way to work but my coworkers have to pick me up at the station. I spent most of my adult life before the pandemic in a major city with excellent public transportation and being out here in the 'burbs is a real struggle. I feel you, re: missing independence. I hate feeling like I'm a bother or a burden to other people, you know?
(This might be a good convo for the Discord, too.)
I saved this for a reply when I came up for air, because I liked your Discord suggestion...and now I'm trying to find new Discord homes! Go figure. This is still so relevant, though, because I successfully braved a local event to meet new people, but had to Uber home--and my Uber driver asked me out when I was trying to exit the car. Which really added to my general wariness of having to rely on strangers to get around. Wishing you good luck with these feelings and the limitations outside of your control.
Ooh, labyrinth walk! How absolutely wonderful.
I’m living in a small beach community near my hometown for winter and I’m ping pong-ing between isolation/WFH and host-mode. This being Florida, people talk to each other casually a lot more than DC so I’m challenging myself to overcome my learned reaction of big city avoidance and instead engage back with chatty folks in the grocery store, on the pool deck, walking along the beach, at the community yoga I’ve been going to, etc. It’s almost a culture shock despite growing up here.
The yoga class was a big one for me- I try to coerce myself to try new workout studios/yoga classes often when I travel but group exercise is FRAUGHT with opportunities for embarrassment. Which way do I orient my mat? Where do bags go? What if I don’t know how to do the flow the way everyone who goes to this studio does? What if (god forbid) I knock my water bottle over? In community yoga here, I committed multiple minor embarrassments including asking the woman who was paying for the class if she was the person I should pay because she was interacting with the cash pile. The horror! Not to mention I flush with embarrassment very easily. But generally no one else remembers 2 seconds later (even though I’m sharing on the internet 3 weeks later). It’s usually worth it. Good luck to everyone with getting out there!
The bulleted list here has so many good ideas. I'm bookmarking this for when the pandemic is over (or at least better) and I can try them. I think I finally have enough of a handle on my social anxiety that I could at least try some of these things and not feel so awful after that I'm demotivated to try again.
Absolutely respecting your Covid comfort levels — and also pushing us to think of ways to build community that don't involve significant or even small risk, like offering to run an errand!
I'm with you. When we're still staying at home, I have no idea how to participate in community.
With two kids in college, my schedule has begun clearing enough that I actually am bored on my days off of work (I work retail, so days off change weekly, shift times change as well) with fewer errands, no school events to attend, etc. So I've begun volunteering at a local food shelf about three days a month. They make it easy, they send out a weekly email with open shift needs, or you can sign up in advance online. It's about four hours a shift, anything from checking in donations and stocking shelves to helping clients choose food to packing for home delivery. And I can get my errands done before or after, and still meet a friend for coffee or a walk depending on the shift. Now, I'm going to get back to volunteering for Dress for Success and once I'm on a rotation there, see about adding a third!
I love that they send out the email with shifts — one small problem I had with making a previous commitment to a food shelf is that it had to be the same three hour shift every week (I understand why!) and the amount I traveled for reporting made that difficult if not impossible.
I think the emails and online sign up is a game changer. I can decide a day or two in advance if I have nothing going on for a few hours and volunteer! Obviously, you do need regular volunteers on the schedule, but there is something to be said for flexibility as well.
In early 2022 I moved back to Chicago after a long time away (10 years), and have struggled to get involved with my friends and community again. Part of it is definitely laziness/social anxiety/it's easier to stay home and watch tv, but it's also the fact that my partner and I still take covid pretty seriously (he has a chronic illness), and I'm afraid to put myself out there (on Bumble BFF or something) and then be seen as some ~weirdo~ who still takes covid tests, masks in crowded spaces, and avoids indoor dining when most of the world appears to have moved on. I feel like that might be a lot of rules/requirements for nascent friendships, even though I don't think it's a big deal and would totally do these things for someone else. Anyway, it's hard! It doesn't help that we moved from California where there were way more options for outdoor activities (hikes, neighborhood walks, beach walks, outdoor dining, etc.) than Chicago in the winter.
A few people in the Discord have tried the Covid Meetups site to connect with people with the same risk tolerance — it seems really cool! https://fortune.com/well/2022/12/31/covid-meetups-social-networking-site-helping-isolation/
I feel this too. I also moved back to Chicago in 2022 after being gone for over a decade and while I have a few friends still here, we are scattered widely across the city. It was so much easier making my friends here when I was in my 20s and unattached as opposed to being in my 40s, married with 2 kids and a long commute.
I will say that I think there are probably others out there who feel similarly to you. (I would totally do it for someone else) I know have felt this regarding trying to build relationships more with the families within our school community. I know it would be nice to connect more with them but I feel absolutely paralyzed with anxiety about arranging play dates and needing to ask things like “are there weapons in the home?” and “do you let your kids get on internet/phones unsupervised?” It feels like some intense questions for someone I’ve just met. I guess it’s a feeling that I might be “too much” for others. And yes. Chicago winters — everyone just hibernates and it feels hard to get out there.
I signed up for a weekly painting group at the local church. That is terrifying because I am a word person, not a design person. Also, I am not religious. But the social activities in my central Swedish town seem to be limited to the university, the senior centers, and the church. I start next week. The suggestions are good. I would modify the following one slightly: "Reach out to someone in your peer/friend group who’s dealing with chronic illness or disability and ask how you can support them this week — and make a plan for more consistent, weekly support."
As a codependent with ADHD and not that much free time, I would also encourage folks to reach out to someone with chronic illness or disability and ask to support them this or next week. Then do the thing. Then see how it feels. If all systems are go, ask again in a few weeks and see how that goes. You don't want to damage a new or existing relationship. Consistent support is probably more important than weekly support. Experiment to see what is sustainable for you personally before making a long-term commitment that you may not be able to honour.