My friend left academia, and is opening up a jam store. She makes the most exquisite jams - raspberry-lavender; blood orange and amaretto; peach cardamom, so many more - and has sold them at the farmer's market for six years. Now she has an actual storefront, and it's become a community event - friends have painted the walls; her husband has installed all the shelves and a gorgeous counter; I'm working this weekend on the window displays; we're hanging art. Every time I hear a new update about the store I'm reminded of how amazing it is that a) she's brought us all together and b) is doing this brave thing that is so fun and c) how much I love being part of it. <3
Right now she can ship in Illinois, and very soon she'll be able to ship nationally. Bookmark the page if you're outside Illinoi! https://www.malleyfarms.net/shop
I'm in a stepmom Discord. We are scattered across North America, but some of us have met in person a few times and we talk to each other daily. One stepmom's 4-year-old daughter was diagnosed with cancer in January, and they've spent many days and nights at the hospital since then. She and her family are local to me.
Mindful that "let me know if there's anything I can do" is just one more burden for the person you say that to, I just Did Some Stuff.
- offered my house, 20 min from the hospital, as a landing pad if anyone in the family ever needs it
- said "you can drop your laundry on my porch anytime" (I'm sort of on their way to the hospital)
- prepped a bunch of freezer meals and dropped them off
- rallied the stepmom Discord and volunteered to be the Receiving House for gifts that people were tripping over themselves to send (one stepmom's mom made and sent a GORGEOUS quilt!) -- then delivered gifts on a staggered cadence so we didn't overwhelm the family
- stopped by one night when my friend was "on duty" at the hospital and brought dinner
- donated to her husband's annual charity ride
Things seem to be going okay. They have support and resources and money and the best medical care. It's still awful, like a weird nightmare that has now become normal, and I say that even as, like, a tertiary-level acquaintance of the family. I can't imagine what it's like for them. I keep saying to myself, "I can't do a lot, but I can do this."
I work in cancer center so I think a lot about the support systems that people have in place. So many people are so alone. And you are SO right about this: "Mindful that "let me know if there's anything I can do" is just one more burden for the person you say that to, I just Did Some Stuff." Having to ask for help IS a burden when you need it most. And I love the "I just Did Some Stuff" part too. I know I've fallen into overthinking about ways of helping and then doing nothing. I'm trying to be more of a Just-Do-It person when it comes to reaching out. Thank you for sharing!!
"just did some stuff" is what I have been striving for. It can be tough, especially if you have tended to worry that these things are intrusive or that "let me know what I can do" is somehow more "polite." But I couldn't agree more and as I get older it just seems more evident. Thank you so much for laying it out this way.
This is secondary to the point/spirit of your post, but ... can new people join this stepmom Discord or is everyone tight already? I've been in a step role for 5 years but it was only during the last ~6 months that I even realized there were groups and resources out there. I haven't found quite the right one for me but just the baseline knowledge that I'm not alone has already helped a ton. I experimented with joining some FB groups but found them to be sort of unpleasant. (Plus, am otherwise inactive on FB, so it's a drag.)
I love this so much. A close friend went through something like this several years ago and when you’re far away it’s so hard to know what to do besides not disappear.
I’ve started working from home since October and it was really getting to me being at home everyday. I started going to a franchise coffee shop in November but always wanted to find somewhere local. I drove past this place by happenstance but the local coffee place near me was also a comic book store and board game community space. Not my normal place, last month I decided to give it a go. Now I’m a frequent patron, know the staff by name, and rent boardgames with my husband on our days off. It really feels like my third place that I’ve been looking for the last few years. Hoping to do more with my local library this year too!!!
Oh I feel this. I wrote recently about volunteering at a local Nordic race. I had this vision of pal’ing around with the other volunteers, checking people in and learning local names... but the reality was everyone else there knew each other already and because we’re all mountain town weirdos, they weren’t as keen on getting to know me. I was relegated to the one solitary task of taping up course signs. But I still introduced myself to everyone I could, and at the very least made it known to the Nordic association that I’m a person who shows up. Ideally if I show up enough, I’ll become part of that fabric of everyone who already knows each other.
I moved to my small town almost ten years ago, and the truth is that you just have to keep showing up, like you said you will. I've found it very slow getting to know people, but the more they see you the more comfortable they will feel. And you might get lucky and find a couple gregarious types who will make the transition easier.
I can so relate. I moved 3.5 years ago from a city to a smaller/rural area (pop 10,000) in the PNW and it's been so hard to make friends. I'm doing some volunteering - always suggested as a way to meet people! - but it turns out I still end up doing things alone but with other people around. I joined a chorus (which I really enjoy) but at the end of rehearsal in the time it takes to put my music in a bag and put on my coat, the room is almost entirely empty. I don't know how people exit so quickly. People here are nice but it never goes any deeper.
I was just talking to my friend who lives in a small town outside of Tahoe. She is also feeling people are not super friendly or welcoming. It’s so disappointing!
The more I get to know people, the more I realize that people who move to a place where the entire county has less than 8000 people are the people who are just slow to open up. I'm closing in on two years here, but most of the people I know have been here for 10, 20, 30 years. So many people pass through in a place like this, and I think some of them are just waiting to make sure I don't. Still, stings the 13-year-old in me just trying to be herself.
My sister and I have talked about this a lot. When things got socially and politically iffy in my county during Covid (still iffy) it was noticeable how many people who’d lived here anywhere from 5, 10, 15 years talked about moving back “home” or at least somewhere more liberal. Definitely made me think more consciously about how much time I spend with people new to here. Are they committed, or will they leave when things get hard?
(This is also a conversation a friend of mine who teaches college at Blackfeet Community College had with me a while back. She said it’s a huge problem, especially in the schools and hospital. How can you expect people to trust you when so many move on after 3 years?)
For me, the challenge continues to be reminding myself that this work takes time. I struggled with so much self doubt when I didn’t immediately have bff level friends when I began my own community building journey.
This year, I’ve been focused on quality engagements that bring me joy vs trying to stand up a whole village overnight. It’s humbling and rewarding to connect with people who want this same thing AND are willing to put in the work of showing up to make it happen 💚
This challenge couldn’t have had better timing. Recently separated and I (think) I committed to a community dance party/yoga class on Sundays. Well, today I am going for my 5th time! I’ve also made a handful of new queer friends and that feels good. Haven’t made moves w volunteering quite yet, but it’s coming.
Love this. So much about making new friends and building a new community is showing up. After I got divorced I was grieving. I went to an axe throwing party and got a particular delight out of plucking the axe out of the wall: it felt primal and powerful. I decided to sign up for an axe throwing league in an effort to meet new people and build a community. Wow. I have never felt more welcomed by a group of introverts. I met so many interesting people I never would have met other is. My community building tip is to join a group about something you don’t know anything about. Let people surprise you and surprise yourself.
Oh my gosh, ever since the newsletter where AHP debuted the form for better understanding the needs of your community members as individuals, this has been at the front of my mind. It was so damn awkward, but I circulated a form of my own creation with my community people and I learned so much AND I could tell from the responses that I would have to get the ball rolling for others to feel comfortable asking for help.
So I challenged myself to be pushier and more specific with my community building and help offering. A friend with a 3yo and 3mo was feeling overwhelmed with the state of her closet and after I pushed on what she really needed, I learned that it was eating her up to see it getting worse every day. So I packed up my baby and went over to help her for an afternoon. We didn’t even finish, but we made big progress. I would have never done this in a million years if the call to be intentional in my community building hadn’t happened.
So I did it again this month too, I pushed and found that another friend was really stressed about a doctors appt and whether her baby would nap during it. So I packed up my baby again, brought lunch, and watched both babies during the appointment. Seeing her so relieved made my heart soar.
This feels so braggadocious to write, but I mostly wanted to share because the challenge itself was what helped me overcome the awkward and push to find specific ways I could help my community. You’ll also notice where I failed the second half of the equation, which is not asking for help myself!! Another important thing we need to all keep in mind when investing in our community, is reaching out to our community when we need help for ourselves. That’s honestly the harder part for a lot of people.
The way that I felt helping out my community of people (and the way those on this thread felt when investing their time and energy in their communities) is how others want to feel by serving you too!! Offer the help, but ask for it too 🤍
At the beginning of the year I was invited to join in on a weekly swim club. There's a small handful of people that are there each week and a rotating cast of others, most everyone is new to me. I've been there most of the weeks, even in the colder days. I love the commitment to ritual, we mostly hang out and take a short dip in the water then sip on hot tea (the real kind, not the gossip kind ;) ) Attending has required me to move around my schedule some and be a bit looser with myself on those mornings. The group is full of queers and artists (of which I am both) and through the group I've found out about events and activities to get me out more after a personal dark season. It really fills my cup.
I've swam in Masters groups before and it's SUCH a great community - it's fallen off post-kid and pandemic, but I'm hoping to rejoin a local group here. One woman I know through swimming is 80-something, and I run into her at the lake every so often in the summer - and she'll ask random questions like, "What brings you joy?" I love it.
Masters swimming has been my key to settling in as I moved around a lot from my late 20s to early 30s. There’s literally every level skill in the pool, and I’ve made such incredible friendships - from the folks you can count on seeing at practice regularly to lifelong connections with people of older generations 💙
I was recently appointed to the Board of Parks and attended my first meeting as a board member. Surprisingly interesting and I learned more than I ever wanted to know about the new skateboarding park expansion. Also had two coffee shop meetings with parents interested in Safe Routes to Schools (I’m on the city’s bike & pedestrian advisory committee and am trying to get the city, police department, and school district to think at least as much about kids’ ability to walk or bike to school as they do about traffic complaints but need more parents’ voices on it. I think the city’s tired of me.)
This is not something I initiated but enjoy and am passing along the idea: two different groups of friends (with some overlap) have started having dinner together maybe monthly, maybe less. One wanted to have international dinner night, just a few friends. And another just wanted to get together with a few friends in a way that wasn’t a book group, so we rotate houses and cook.
I just joined the town's Self-Reliance Committee, and whew the things I've learned about compost and plowing. Getting involved in this way has been the best way to show long-time residents that I might be worth throwing a bone.
Current iteration of that is clearing sidewalks that aren’t city-owned. ☃️😱
Our city has repeatedly turned down community composting. There’s a great local service a lot of businesses and others (like me) use, so I’m hopeful we’ll get there. Someday.
I applied and interviewed to be on the parks and rec commission and wasnt picked. I was a mix of sad that I didn’t get picked and relieved to not have to go to meetings outside of my work day. But now I’m kind of stumped on what comes next for me for community participation. I thought I had a plan and turns out, not the plan. So now I have to figure out where and how to show up in another way.
I was turned down for the climate action committee a year ago (the other applicant was a much better fit). It seems to me that when people keep showing up, something does open up eventually. But sometimes it takes time, especially if there are established people comfortable in their positions.
It can be frustrating how long these things take. When I moved back to my hometown, it was two years before I found out about a volunteer committee aligned with my interests and expertise. I served on it for 4 years before even realizing that I could apply to the more formal committee that was in charge of it. I've been on that one for almost 2 years now and *finally* feel like maybe possibly I'll be able to start realizing some of my own priorities for my town in 10 years or so!
this is so helpful to hear! i have no context for how long things take nor the many steps it might take to find my spot. i appreciate you sharing your experience in more detail.
I challenged myself to reach out to more teachers at my school in the hope of finding more professional community and I have done that! I’m starting to spend one of my prep periods working in the library instead of my room - doing the same work of prepping, grading, etc, but in a bustling place. I equate it to working in a coffee shop instead of at home. I actually asked two teachers if I could observe them too and both said yes instantly. This is still a work in progress but I’m getting there! But also, I want a kaffeeklatsch in the community in which I live!
I did the thing! For folks who don't remember, on the original post I mentioned that a friend had invited me for a grown-up Lego playdate and I was getting all nervous about it but I did it and it was GREAT. We agreed on COVID precautions together (I wore a mask since I was entering their house; they tested that morning to reassure me that I wasn't entering a germ-zone). We each worked on our own set and shared so many laughs. Y'all, the Majestic Tiger from the 3-in-1 set truly is a Majestic, and also, it has a surprisingly realistic cat butthole made out of a pink flower piece, and we will now giggle forever at the thought of a Lego cat butthole.
I'm also reaping some of the benefits of the work I've been putting into community-building right now, because my kid brought COVID home from school and spouse and I both got it from her...after 3 years of being the most cautious, careful people we could be because spouse and I are both high-risk, all it took was a kid bringing COVID back from "midwinter break" and sitting next to mine at lunch, the only time she's not masked. So frustrating. Anyway, I'm pretty darned sick (please cross your fingers for me that this does not progress to pneumonia!) and I put up the "bat signal" and several friends (some from church, like my aforementioned Lego-friend, and some from work) jumped into action and made sure we had groceries and soup and even a new furnace filter (because of course ours crapped out in the middle of all of this). And of course I'd do all of that for any of them, too, but somehow I've never felt like I deserve care like this. I'm just so grateful.
I listed like 8 things in my response to the original post, and then took a screenshot of it as a reminder. I’ve been struggling a fair bit with feelings of isolation (recently single, childless, remote worker with some pretty slim family ties and many acquaintances but nothing approximating a close knit group of local friends) and needed this push to find things to get me out in the world again.
Some things haven’t worked out yet: I haven’t made it to the hiking group I’ve been stalking on Instagram (still too intimidated), or to any of the tech or political meetups (not sure what happened to these invites) or started the dinner group (current excuse: new dining table is stuck in the supply chain somewhere and it simply must be here before we begin!).
But I did manage to:
-attend volunteer training with the local mutual aid group, and I’m signed up for my first shift with them today!
-apply to be on the board of another community organization (fingers crossed that even if I don’t get it this at least puts me on their mailing list or radar for other things)
-find a gym/trainer that seem like they’ll be my speed.
The hardest part is always starting, glad we’re all in this awkward bit together.
LOVE this! I've developed a whole new respect for IRL connections. I'm a new subscriber, but this is my step-up goal this year. To push myself to reach out more and connect with people in my day-to-day life. The thing is, I'm always a bit tired and have stuff to do. So I tell myself, if it's always that way, then I can't use it as an excuse. Don't overthink. Just do it.
Right now I'm trying to maintain a friendship with another mom friend. The thing is, our kids aren't friends anymore. Kind of awkward. In the past, I would've just moved on. As I get older, I know I shouldn't take friendships for granted. Because they're hard to come by.
Just a note of encouragement to stick with it! Two of my closest friends now are moms I met when my oldest was in preschool. The kids are 16 now and haven’t been friends in, oh, 10 years :) but the mom friendships stuck.
I love that you termed this as a kaffeeklatsch - that’s exactly why my newsletter is called ‘pull up a chair’, because during the depths of 2020 I wanted nothing more than to have a chat and a coffee.
I went and met a new friend from a local online social group yesterday for some cafe coworking time, both working on our novels. It was really convivial and easy and I’m so glad I reached out to set it up!
My challenge was to call a member of a committee I work with and get to know her better; she had done some amazing work that deeply touched me. What I anticipated would be a 10 minute call lengthened to nearly an hour as she shared about her recent move from VA to WA, her grief on the loss of her son and the work she and her husband do in his memory. I offered my services and she’s considering ways I can join in their project. Even if that doesn’t work out, I feel a deeper connection to someone in my community.
My friend left academia, and is opening up a jam store. She makes the most exquisite jams - raspberry-lavender; blood orange and amaretto; peach cardamom, so many more - and has sold them at the farmer's market for six years. Now she has an actual storefront, and it's become a community event - friends have painted the walls; her husband has installed all the shelves and a gorgeous counter; I'm working this weekend on the window displays; we're hanging art. Every time I hear a new update about the store I'm reminded of how amazing it is that a) she's brought us all together and b) is doing this brave thing that is so fun and c) how much I love being part of it. <3
This sounds so lovely!
It's wonderful!
If she has an online store, I’m sure a lot of Culture Studiers would love some fancy jam!
Right now she can ship in Illinois, and very soon she'll be able to ship nationally. Bookmark the page if you're outside Illinoi! https://www.malleyfarms.net/shop
Ok, this is in Galesburg, IL?! I grew up in Abingdon!! (Currently live in Normal) I’m dying a little bit.
That's awesome! Small world!
This sounds so lovely! I also like to make jam and her flavor combinations sound great!
I'm in a stepmom Discord. We are scattered across North America, but some of us have met in person a few times and we talk to each other daily. One stepmom's 4-year-old daughter was diagnosed with cancer in January, and they've spent many days and nights at the hospital since then. She and her family are local to me.
Mindful that "let me know if there's anything I can do" is just one more burden for the person you say that to, I just Did Some Stuff.
- offered my house, 20 min from the hospital, as a landing pad if anyone in the family ever needs it
- said "you can drop your laundry on my porch anytime" (I'm sort of on their way to the hospital)
- prepped a bunch of freezer meals and dropped them off
- rallied the stepmom Discord and volunteered to be the Receiving House for gifts that people were tripping over themselves to send (one stepmom's mom made and sent a GORGEOUS quilt!) -- then delivered gifts on a staggered cadence so we didn't overwhelm the family
- stopped by one night when my friend was "on duty" at the hospital and brought dinner
- donated to her husband's annual charity ride
Things seem to be going okay. They have support and resources and money and the best medical care. It's still awful, like a weird nightmare that has now become normal, and I say that even as, like, a tertiary-level acquaintance of the family. I can't imagine what it's like for them. I keep saying to myself, "I can't do a lot, but I can do this."
I work in cancer center so I think a lot about the support systems that people have in place. So many people are so alone. And you are SO right about this: "Mindful that "let me know if there's anything I can do" is just one more burden for the person you say that to, I just Did Some Stuff." Having to ask for help IS a burden when you need it most. And I love the "I just Did Some Stuff" part too. I know I've fallen into overthinking about ways of helping and then doing nothing. I'm trying to be more of a Just-Do-It person when it comes to reaching out. Thank you for sharing!!
"just did some stuff" is what I have been striving for. It can be tough, especially if you have tended to worry that these things are intrusive or that "let me know what I can do" is somehow more "polite." But I couldn't agree more and as I get older it just seems more evident. Thank you so much for laying it out this way.
This is secondary to the point/spirit of your post, but ... can new people join this stepmom Discord or is everyone tight already? I've been in a step role for 5 years but it was only during the last ~6 months that I even realized there were groups and resources out there. I haven't found quite the right one for me but just the baseline knowledge that I'm not alone has already helped a ton. I experimented with joining some FB groups but found them to be sort of unpleasant. (Plus, am otherwise inactive on FB, so it's a drag.)
This brought tears to my eyes. Do Some Stuff is now on my calendar. ❤️
I love this so much. A close friend went through something like this several years ago and when you’re far away it’s so hard to know what to do besides not disappear.
I’ve started working from home since October and it was really getting to me being at home everyday. I started going to a franchise coffee shop in November but always wanted to find somewhere local. I drove past this place by happenstance but the local coffee place near me was also a comic book store and board game community space. Not my normal place, last month I decided to give it a go. Now I’m a frequent patron, know the staff by name, and rent boardgames with my husband on our days off. It really feels like my third place that I’ve been looking for the last few years. Hoping to do more with my local library this year too!!!
Sometimes the best third spaces are the ones you’d never ever expect
Agreed ❤️
Oh I feel this. I wrote recently about volunteering at a local Nordic race. I had this vision of pal’ing around with the other volunteers, checking people in and learning local names... but the reality was everyone else there knew each other already and because we’re all mountain town weirdos, they weren’t as keen on getting to know me. I was relegated to the one solitary task of taping up course signs. But I still introduced myself to everyone I could, and at the very least made it known to the Nordic association that I’m a person who shows up. Ideally if I show up enough, I’ll become part of that fabric of everyone who already knows each other.
I moved to my small town almost ten years ago, and the truth is that you just have to keep showing up, like you said you will. I've found it very slow getting to know people, but the more they see you the more comfortable they will feel. And you might get lucky and find a couple gregarious types who will make the transition easier.
I can so relate. I moved 3.5 years ago from a city to a smaller/rural area (pop 10,000) in the PNW and it's been so hard to make friends. I'm doing some volunteering - always suggested as a way to meet people! - but it turns out I still end up doing things alone but with other people around. I joined a chorus (which I really enjoy) but at the end of rehearsal in the time it takes to put my music in a bag and put on my coat, the room is almost entirely empty. I don't know how people exit so quickly. People here are nice but it never goes any deeper.
I was just talking to my friend who lives in a small town outside of Tahoe. She is also feeling people are not super friendly or welcoming. It’s so disappointing!
The more I get to know people, the more I realize that people who move to a place where the entire county has less than 8000 people are the people who are just slow to open up. I'm closing in on two years here, but most of the people I know have been here for 10, 20, 30 years. So many people pass through in a place like this, and I think some of them are just waiting to make sure I don't. Still, stings the 13-year-old in me just trying to be herself.
Lol same with an island of 800!
My sister and I have talked about this a lot. When things got socially and politically iffy in my county during Covid (still iffy) it was noticeable how many people who’d lived here anywhere from 5, 10, 15 years talked about moving back “home” or at least somewhere more liberal. Definitely made me think more consciously about how much time I spend with people new to here. Are they committed, or will they leave when things get hard?
(This is also a conversation a friend of mine who teaches college at Blackfeet Community College had with me a while back. She said it’s a huge problem, especially in the schools and hospital. How can you expect people to trust you when so many move on after 3 years?)
For me, the challenge continues to be reminding myself that this work takes time. I struggled with so much self doubt when I didn’t immediately have bff level friends when I began my own community building journey.
This year, I’ve been focused on quality engagements that bring me joy vs trying to stand up a whole village overnight. It’s humbling and rewarding to connect with people who want this same thing AND are willing to put in the work of showing up to make it happen 💚
I love this perspective and I too have often been frustrated that things to germinate and flourish as fast as I want them to!!
This challenge couldn’t have had better timing. Recently separated and I (think) I committed to a community dance party/yoga class on Sundays. Well, today I am going for my 5th time! I’ve also made a handful of new queer friends and that feels good. Haven’t made moves w volunteering quite yet, but it’s coming.
Yes!!!!!
Love this. So much about making new friends and building a new community is showing up. After I got divorced I was grieving. I went to an axe throwing party and got a particular delight out of plucking the axe out of the wall: it felt primal and powerful. I decided to sign up for an axe throwing league in an effort to meet new people and build a community. Wow. I have never felt more welcomed by a group of introverts. I met so many interesting people I never would have met other is. My community building tip is to join a group about something you don’t know anything about. Let people surprise you and surprise yourself.
Hi, saw there was another brenna here and it made me smile. There aren’t many of us :) Happy Sunday!
Hi Brenna :) :) :)
Oh my gosh, ever since the newsletter where AHP debuted the form for better understanding the needs of your community members as individuals, this has been at the front of my mind. It was so damn awkward, but I circulated a form of my own creation with my community people and I learned so much AND I could tell from the responses that I would have to get the ball rolling for others to feel comfortable asking for help.
So I challenged myself to be pushier and more specific with my community building and help offering. A friend with a 3yo and 3mo was feeling overwhelmed with the state of her closet and after I pushed on what she really needed, I learned that it was eating her up to see it getting worse every day. So I packed up my baby and went over to help her for an afternoon. We didn’t even finish, but we made big progress. I would have never done this in a million years if the call to be intentional in my community building hadn’t happened.
So I did it again this month too, I pushed and found that another friend was really stressed about a doctors appt and whether her baby would nap during it. So I packed up my baby again, brought lunch, and watched both babies during the appointment. Seeing her so relieved made my heart soar.
This feels so braggadocious to write, but I mostly wanted to share because the challenge itself was what helped me overcome the awkward and push to find specific ways I could help my community. You’ll also notice where I failed the second half of the equation, which is not asking for help myself!! Another important thing we need to all keep in mind when investing in our community, is reaching out to our community when we need help for ourselves. That’s honestly the harder part for a lot of people.
The way that I felt helping out my community of people (and the way those on this thread felt when investing their time and energy in their communities) is how others want to feel by serving you too!! Offer the help, but ask for it too 🤍
At the beginning of the year I was invited to join in on a weekly swim club. There's a small handful of people that are there each week and a rotating cast of others, most everyone is new to me. I've been there most of the weeks, even in the colder days. I love the commitment to ritual, we mostly hang out and take a short dip in the water then sip on hot tea (the real kind, not the gossip kind ;) ) Attending has required me to move around my schedule some and be a bit looser with myself on those mornings. The group is full of queers and artists (of which I am both) and through the group I've found out about events and activities to get me out more after a personal dark season. It really fills my cup.
I've swam in Masters groups before and it's SUCH a great community - it's fallen off post-kid and pandemic, but I'm hoping to rejoin a local group here. One woman I know through swimming is 80-something, and I run into her at the lake every so often in the summer - and she'll ask random questions like, "What brings you joy?" I love it.
Masters swimming has been my key to settling in as I moved around a lot from my late 20s to early 30s. There’s literally every level skill in the pool, and I’ve made such incredible friendships - from the folks you can count on seeing at practice regularly to lifelong connections with people of older generations 💙
Yes! Started open water swimming last year and it is such a joy.
I was recently appointed to the Board of Parks and attended my first meeting as a board member. Surprisingly interesting and I learned more than I ever wanted to know about the new skateboarding park expansion. Also had two coffee shop meetings with parents interested in Safe Routes to Schools (I’m on the city’s bike & pedestrian advisory committee and am trying to get the city, police department, and school district to think at least as much about kids’ ability to walk or bike to school as they do about traffic complaints but need more parents’ voices on it. I think the city’s tired of me.)
This is not something I initiated but enjoy and am passing along the idea: two different groups of friends (with some overlap) have started having dinner together maybe monthly, maybe less. One wanted to have international dinner night, just a few friends. And another just wanted to get together with a few friends in a way that wasn’t a book group, so we rotate houses and cook.
I just joined the town's Self-Reliance Committee, and whew the things I've learned about compost and plowing. Getting involved in this way has been the best way to show long-time residents that I might be worth throwing a bone.
PLOWING. The intricacies I never knew existed ...
Current iteration of that is clearing sidewalks that aren’t city-owned. ☃️😱
Our city has repeatedly turned down community composting. There’s a great local service a lot of businesses and others (like me) use, so I’m hopeful we’ll get there. Someday.
😂 what a world. Fingers crossed on the composting. There’s only 180 of us and it’s still 😬🫣
😂🫠
I applied and interviewed to be on the parks and rec commission and wasnt picked. I was a mix of sad that I didn’t get picked and relieved to not have to go to meetings outside of my work day. But now I’m kind of stumped on what comes next for me for community participation. I thought I had a plan and turns out, not the plan. So now I have to figure out where and how to show up in another way.
I was turned down for the climate action committee a year ago (the other applicant was a much better fit). It seems to me that when people keep showing up, something does open up eventually. But sometimes it takes time, especially if there are established people comfortable in their positions.
Thanks for seeing me and sharing your experience. Good reminder to me that this might not be the plan now that doesn’t mean it might not be someday :)
All we have is each other. 🧡
It can be frustrating how long these things take. When I moved back to my hometown, it was two years before I found out about a volunteer committee aligned with my interests and expertise. I served on it for 4 years before even realizing that I could apply to the more formal committee that was in charge of it. I've been on that one for almost 2 years now and *finally* feel like maybe possibly I'll be able to start realizing some of my own priorities for my town in 10 years or so!
this is so helpful to hear! i have no context for how long things take nor the many steps it might take to find my spot. i appreciate you sharing your experience in more detail.
I think most of us are just stumbling around trying to figure all this out, so you're not alone!
I challenged myself to reach out to more teachers at my school in the hope of finding more professional community and I have done that! I’m starting to spend one of my prep periods working in the library instead of my room - doing the same work of prepping, grading, etc, but in a bustling place. I equate it to working in a coffee shop instead of at home. I actually asked two teachers if I could observe them too and both said yes instantly. This is still a work in progress but I’m getting there! But also, I want a kaffeeklatsch in the community in which I live!
I did the thing! For folks who don't remember, on the original post I mentioned that a friend had invited me for a grown-up Lego playdate and I was getting all nervous about it but I did it and it was GREAT. We agreed on COVID precautions together (I wore a mask since I was entering their house; they tested that morning to reassure me that I wasn't entering a germ-zone). We each worked on our own set and shared so many laughs. Y'all, the Majestic Tiger from the 3-in-1 set truly is a Majestic, and also, it has a surprisingly realistic cat butthole made out of a pink flower piece, and we will now giggle forever at the thought of a Lego cat butthole.
I'm also reaping some of the benefits of the work I've been putting into community-building right now, because my kid brought COVID home from school and spouse and I both got it from her...after 3 years of being the most cautious, careful people we could be because spouse and I are both high-risk, all it took was a kid bringing COVID back from "midwinter break" and sitting next to mine at lunch, the only time she's not masked. So frustrating. Anyway, I'm pretty darned sick (please cross your fingers for me that this does not progress to pneumonia!) and I put up the "bat signal" and several friends (some from church, like my aforementioned Lego-friend, and some from work) jumped into action and made sure we had groceries and soup and even a new furnace filter (because of course ours crapped out in the middle of all of this). And of course I'd do all of that for any of them, too, but somehow I've never felt like I deserve care like this. I'm just so grateful.
I listed like 8 things in my response to the original post, and then took a screenshot of it as a reminder. I’ve been struggling a fair bit with feelings of isolation (recently single, childless, remote worker with some pretty slim family ties and many acquaintances but nothing approximating a close knit group of local friends) and needed this push to find things to get me out in the world again.
Some things haven’t worked out yet: I haven’t made it to the hiking group I’ve been stalking on Instagram (still too intimidated), or to any of the tech or political meetups (not sure what happened to these invites) or started the dinner group (current excuse: new dining table is stuck in the supply chain somewhere and it simply must be here before we begin!).
But I did manage to:
-attend volunteer training with the local mutual aid group, and I’m signed up for my first shift with them today!
-apply to be on the board of another community organization (fingers crossed that even if I don’t get it this at least puts me on their mailing list or radar for other things)
-find a gym/trainer that seem like they’ll be my speed.
The hardest part is always starting, glad we’re all in this awkward bit together.
this is just to say — it could be fun to start without the new dining table and then celebrate together with your group when it arrives!
LOVE this! I've developed a whole new respect for IRL connections. I'm a new subscriber, but this is my step-up goal this year. To push myself to reach out more and connect with people in my day-to-day life. The thing is, I'm always a bit tired and have stuff to do. So I tell myself, if it's always that way, then I can't use it as an excuse. Don't overthink. Just do it.
Right now I'm trying to maintain a friendship with another mom friend. The thing is, our kids aren't friends anymore. Kind of awkward. In the past, I would've just moved on. As I get older, I know I shouldn't take friendships for granted. Because they're hard to come by.
And anyways, a little awkwardness isn't that bad.
Just a note of encouragement to stick with it! Two of my closest friends now are moms I met when my oldest was in preschool. The kids are 16 now and haven’t been friends in, oh, 10 years :) but the mom friendships stuck.
I love that you termed this as a kaffeeklatsch - that’s exactly why my newsletter is called ‘pull up a chair’, because during the depths of 2020 I wanted nothing more than to have a chat and a coffee.
I went and met a new friend from a local online social group yesterday for some cafe coworking time, both working on our novels. It was really convivial and easy and I’m so glad I reached out to set it up!
My challenge was to call a member of a committee I work with and get to know her better; she had done some amazing work that deeply touched me. What I anticipated would be a 10 minute call lengthened to nearly an hour as she shared about her recent move from VA to WA, her grief on the loss of her son and the work she and her husband do in his memory. I offered my services and she’s considering ways I can join in their project. Even if that doesn’t work out, I feel a deeper connection to someone in my community.