I was raised in purity culture, married at 22, divorced at 33. For the past 8 years I have tried to shoe-horn myself into modern dating culture. It has been an utter failure. I have been told it’s something wrong with me--I “attach” too easily. The relationships that started as 1-night stands have been my most painful. My friends seem to blow through hookups without “attachment,” and encouraged me to do the same . Over and over I’ve gotten the message that there’s something wrong with me. It is only recently I’ve started to realize it’s okay to want deeply connected sex within a monogamous relationship--it’s just how I’m wired, and I actually love that about myself? I appreciate this interview so much and am excited to read the book.
If only I'd come of age now, when we are starting to question the mandatory sex narrative, instead of 20 years ago, I would have been able to give enlightened and free consent more often, avoiding countless instance of sex after which I didn't understand how I ended up there. We need more authors like Christine Emba.
I've been having this conversation with my fifteen year old daughter over the past week. She has her first real boyfriend, and I'm acutely aware of trying not to pass on my purity-culture upbringing while also being clear about the emotional and spiritual risks that accompany the physical act of sex. Thanks, Christine, for giving me some more language around this! Looking forward to reading the book!
Thank you for this interview! I read the Washington Post column, shared it on Facebook, and got not one single like or comment. I only wish the book/column had come out sooner, as I worked myself to a similar conclusion with a lot of therapy, meditation, and appreciative inquiry during the seven years since the end of my marriage. Instead of long explanations of why I am not on dating apps, I can now refer them to the column or this interview.
I'm truly astouded this post only got seven comments (as of my writing this) here! Is it too big a question for lots of people? But then again, this substack also discusses topics like the foundations of society.
I wish those who told us to "just have fun" by sleeping around would pay for the therapy we had to take to process the sheer awfulness of the modern dating landscape. Bitter, me? Nah. /s
Thank you for this - really looking forward to reading the book! Am interested in any comparisons to this and Katherine Angel's 'Tomorrow Sex Will be Good Again', if anyone's read both? It feels like we're at a really interesting stage in this particularly discourse where on the one hand, there are complex nuanced takes calling for a rethink of the binary nature of consent culture, and the difficulty to know what one wants (or in Angel's case, the value in not always knowing what one wants, which I think is also a critique of that 'girlboss' kind of vibe). But then on the other hand this massive explosion in the commercial 'sexual wellbeing' landscaping, which is simplifying narratives again in a different way
I thought this wouldn’t be my cup of tea as an ace person- but of course it was! Really interesting stuff and loved that AHP brought up the similar threads that she had discussed with Angela Chen recently re: her book ‘Ace’.
Thank you Anne for bringing us such thoughtful and thought provoking content. And thank you Christine Emba too- I look forward to checking out your work!
Thank you so much for this interview! It comes at a perfect time in my life as I am healing from all of the garbage messaging I had about sex in the past. As a young woman, I was attracted to white evangelicalism because of the lack of pressure from hook-up culture. As someone who now knows she is demisexual, no sex until marriage seemed like perfection to me! Then after marrying my husband, not only could I not mentally flip the switch in my brain that sex was okay, I physically couldn't have it due to vaginismus and vulvodynia. Eventually, though pelvic floor physical therapy, I was able to eventually engage in intercourse and then have a child, but intercourse wasn't pleasurable.
My husband and I had talked about polyamory for a while - then in 2020 I started having a queer-platonic relationship with my friend S, and it was once again a relief to be able to be intimately close to someone without the expectation of sex. Then when D and I started seeing each other four months ago, everything changed. Our "special friendship", which I see and feel is truly sacred and unique, has had the ability to naturally unfold, and that has been incredibly healing for me. We take it a day at a time at our pace at what feels right and good to the two of us. As of this writing we have engaged in some genitalia play but not intercourse.
All this to say that I really want to read this book because it feels like I am discovering and building the new understanding that Christine Emba is talking about!
I was raised in purity culture, married at 22, divorced at 33. For the past 8 years I have tried to shoe-horn myself into modern dating culture. It has been an utter failure. I have been told it’s something wrong with me--I “attach” too easily. The relationships that started as 1-night stands have been my most painful. My friends seem to blow through hookups without “attachment,” and encouraged me to do the same . Over and over I’ve gotten the message that there’s something wrong with me. It is only recently I’ve started to realize it’s okay to want deeply connected sex within a monogamous relationship--it’s just how I’m wired, and I actually love that about myself? I appreciate this interview so much and am excited to read the book.
If only I'd come of age now, when we are starting to question the mandatory sex narrative, instead of 20 years ago, I would have been able to give enlightened and free consent more often, avoiding countless instance of sex after which I didn't understand how I ended up there. We need more authors like Christine Emba.
I've been having this conversation with my fifteen year old daughter over the past week. She has her first real boyfriend, and I'm acutely aware of trying not to pass on my purity-culture upbringing while also being clear about the emotional and spiritual risks that accompany the physical act of sex. Thanks, Christine, for giving me some more language around this! Looking forward to reading the book!
Thank you for this interview! I read the Washington Post column, shared it on Facebook, and got not one single like or comment. I only wish the book/column had come out sooner, as I worked myself to a similar conclusion with a lot of therapy, meditation, and appreciative inquiry during the seven years since the end of my marriage. Instead of long explanations of why I am not on dating apps, I can now refer them to the column or this interview.
I'm truly astouded this post only got seven comments (as of my writing this) here! Is it too big a question for lots of people? But then again, this substack also discusses topics like the foundations of society.
I wish those who told us to "just have fun" by sleeping around would pay for the therapy we had to take to process the sheer awfulness of the modern dating landscape. Bitter, me? Nah. /s
There’s a lot more chat about this on the Discord if you were after some more in-depth thoughts
Thank you for this - really looking forward to reading the book! Am interested in any comparisons to this and Katherine Angel's 'Tomorrow Sex Will be Good Again', if anyone's read both? It feels like we're at a really interesting stage in this particularly discourse where on the one hand, there are complex nuanced takes calling for a rethink of the binary nature of consent culture, and the difficulty to know what one wants (or in Angel's case, the value in not always knowing what one wants, which I think is also a critique of that 'girlboss' kind of vibe). But then on the other hand this massive explosion in the commercial 'sexual wellbeing' landscaping, which is simplifying narratives again in a different way
Enjoyed reading here something intuitively obvious (to me) as something problematic to the reigning orthodoxy. Thx!
Exactly. Don’t “most” people reach this or a similar conclusion by their late twenties, at the latest?
I thought this wouldn’t be my cup of tea as an ace person- but of course it was! Really interesting stuff and loved that AHP brought up the similar threads that she had discussed with Angela Chen recently re: her book ‘Ace’.
Thank you Anne for bringing us such thoughtful and thought provoking content. And thank you Christine Emba too- I look forward to checking out your work!
Thank you so much for this interview! It comes at a perfect time in my life as I am healing from all of the garbage messaging I had about sex in the past. As a young woman, I was attracted to white evangelicalism because of the lack of pressure from hook-up culture. As someone who now knows she is demisexual, no sex until marriage seemed like perfection to me! Then after marrying my husband, not only could I not mentally flip the switch in my brain that sex was okay, I physically couldn't have it due to vaginismus and vulvodynia. Eventually, though pelvic floor physical therapy, I was able to eventually engage in intercourse and then have a child, but intercourse wasn't pleasurable.
My husband and I had talked about polyamory for a while - then in 2020 I started having a queer-platonic relationship with my friend S, and it was once again a relief to be able to be intimately close to someone without the expectation of sex. Then when D and I started seeing each other four months ago, everything changed. Our "special friendship", which I see and feel is truly sacred and unique, has had the ability to naturally unfold, and that has been incredibly healing for me. We take it a day at a time at our pace at what feels right and good to the two of us. As of this writing we have engaged in some genitalia play but not intercourse.
All this to say that I really want to read this book because it feels like I am discovering and building the new understanding that Christine Emba is talking about!