How to Decline

Gracefully, Forcefully, Delicately

I weirdly enjoyed writing about How to Write an Email earlier month….and evidenced by my reader stats, a whole lot of you weirdly enjoyed reading it and discussing your own vantage point in the comments. I’m running the Eugene Marathon this weekend and prepping for dry dock on the island (when our ferry goes in for servicing for three weeks and you can only get off the island by foot ferry), so writing about how to gracefully decline requests feels appropriate.

So what are we talking about declining here? Invitations and requests for your time. That includes requests for an informational call, a casual coffee, to read a draft of something, to be on a committee or board, to volunteer at your kid’s school, to attend a gathering, to speak at a gathering, to be on a panel at a gathering, to give notes on a document, you get the picture.

Before we get into the best practices of declining, I want to briefly emphasize that I think it’s GREAT to allow yourself to say yes to things that matter — that nourish you, your friendships, and your community. But a lot of us are so bad at saying no that we find ourselves with so little room for those things — it’s like planting too many seeds in your vegetable plot, never thinning them, and then wondering what the hell happened when everything’s super crowded and kinda crappy.

There are so many reasons why you might struggle to say no: you’re a people-pleaser, sure, but maybe you’re a people-pleaser because that felt like the only way to overcome structural bullshit, and now you’re so busy people-pleasing that you’re actually not doing great at your job, great at parenting, great at your friendships, or great at just being you. Learning how to gracefully say no allows you to meaningfully say yes.

I’m going to share a few of the strategies I’ve adopted over the last few years — and then I’m going to share best practices from a whole bunch of professionals, past Culture Study interviewees, and other people whose online etiquette I admire and/or who have gracefully declined my own requests for their time.

As with How to Write an Email, I’ll also open up the comments to offer their field-specific insight and for others to ask questions, because I’d love for these pieces to be a real resource for subscribers. (As always, if you can’t afford a subscription, if you’re on SSI or un- or under-employed or a student, just email me and I’ll comp you one, no questions asked. I do these in batches, so it might take a week or so for me to get to your email, but it’ll happen.)