This is such a beautiful post. Slightly separate from the stuff about parenting...I really appreciate the the acknowledgement that care, community-building, and friendship are often unglamorous and difficult. Once you give into that reality, so much opens up. Or at least that's been my experience with parenting and community work.
I (a child-free person) think I am good at the bigger "event"-type things (I host a NYE pajama party at my house every year, I'm very good at planning trips), but I am not as good at the mundane, less-fun parts of this. Sending this to my friends who live in the same city as me, and writing a commitment to be better at showing up during the not-sexy parts, was an act of vulnerability today. I already have anxiety about it - how will my weekends be compromised now? What if I can't always get a workout in when I want to? But I know that if I want to be a part of a strong community (and I do) then I'm going to have to get uncomfortable sometimes.
I tell my much younger friends (in their 20's) who leave college and then find it challenging to make and keep friends without a school structure that friendships require work. Sometimes bad and sad work - discovering that the wonderful woman you met when your kids played together suddenly has no time for you, or finding out that the person you loved being with at a job years ago now has different priorities for their life. But it's mostly good work - seeing a friend you haven't seen and have barely talked to since before Covid started and realizing that the soul of that friendship is still there. Negotiating a pizza date with two folks whose disparate work schedules require just that - scheduling an adult play date! Having breakfast every week with a friend who is sunk in the depths of depression, knowing that it will be an hour of abject misery, but that you need to continue to be a part of this person's life.
Adult friending requires commitment, realizing when to let go, putting yourself out there to meet new folks (older and younger than you), risking rejection, and cultivating new relationships. It's work, and it's rewarding.
SO GOOD. The "Bourgeois American Culture and White Supremacy are all about the myths of self-reliance and perfection" observation/analysis is SPOT ON. I love helping and being there for others, yet feel timid about asking for help - but deep down know that others would appreciate being asked! We need one another. Thank you.
I love this! Just texted a child free friend to see if they’d like to go to a museum this weekend. My kids will probably be awesome and annoying at some point during this outing, but that’s okay!
"Acknowledge that there will be periods of your friends’ lives during which it will be easier and harder for them to be a good friend to you — but don’t give up on the friendship."
So much this. That first year in particular, but even really pretty much as long as I had to order my life around naptime... it was just SO HARD to do anything that wasn't centered around the baby. My childfree friends who held on during those times and held space for me to resurface are absolutely all the more cherished for it.
Something else I want my childfree friends to understand is that: I absolutely do understand that you want to see me and my spouse without the kids sometimes. I also want that. But if I have to get a babysitter to attend your thing, you are effectively putting a cover charge on it. And you can do that! You can absolutely host the thing you want to host, and I probably really want to attend! But when *everyone* is hosting child-free holiday parties in December for example, I have to ask myself how many times I'm going to get a sitter in a month, and then we're basically down to ranking my friends, and that sucks.
I am a recovering perfectionist (helloooo white supremacy culture), and I have wasted SO MUCH time and energy worrying about my parenting situation, my messy house, and how others will judge me. It has done nothing but isolate me and intensify that hamster-wheel anxiety reel in my head.
THANK YOU for the reminder of the importance of friendship and the guidance on *how* to create deeper connection between friends. Raising my hand as *that* person who agonizes over a single text with a friend.
I think the thing about how dominant ideology produces a barrier to establishing inter-relationships of care is so important.
One of the ways I often think about it doing this is through our built environment. Housing and wider urban spaces are so often built around ideas of exclusive use and almost non existent communal space.
For me this creates a very real physical separation/barrier to overcome if we want to create inter dependence
This piece brings up a lot for me. I am married and child-free, not by choice. Most of my friends and relatives had their children a decade ago and I DID NOT put in the time with their children. On the flip side, I also wasn't invited to be active in their lives. There are many reasons for this, of course, and now my focus is how to be a better friend to all of my people. Without getting bogged by regret and sorrow over what could have been.
This is comprehensive and beautifully written. As a childless person, I have been on the receiving end of both pity and envy from mothers. I’d definitely tell them not to feel either.
Ugh the “perfect house” thing hit home. I didn’t have people over even when I really needed it because my house was just super messy when I had little kids.
I’d also like to add specifically GenX people who have college kids and older may have more time to hang out with you and your kids, and we don’t care one bit about your house, because we’ve been there. I adore my circle of friends now because there’s several life stages included.
This newsletter is consistently one of the best reads on the internet! Thank you!
In less than a week, I’m making a short move into a new community and I hope to strengthen the (newish) friendships and (weakish) community bonds I have there. Having very practical ideas for how to make that happen is so so valuable.
My parents did not provide a good model for community-building nor for making and keeping friends. Their community-ties and friendships were ready-made large families and childhood friendships in a tight-knit farming community. Sadly, when conflicts arise, they literally stop speaking to people forever. They are now entering their retirements mostly estranged from their own siblings, with no close friends, and only one of their children in regular contact.
I will not follow that path! But I gotta say it’s looking pretty terrifying to go out and make friends and show up and be vulnerable and have good boundaries and invest yourself in people.
Go to kids' concerts, games, plays, and so forth, especially if the parents have crummy commutes and/or a job that likes to throw last-minute wrenches into plans. I got such unadulterated joy from my friend's daughter's Little League games and preschool plays. I don't live near them any more but it was HUGE for them to see another adult who loved them out there in the stands.
How to Show Up For Your Friends Without Kids — and How to Show Up For Kids and Their Parents
This is such a beautiful post. Slightly separate from the stuff about parenting...I really appreciate the the acknowledgement that care, community-building, and friendship are often unglamorous and difficult. Once you give into that reality, so much opens up. Or at least that's been my experience with parenting and community work.
I (a child-free person) think I am good at the bigger "event"-type things (I host a NYE pajama party at my house every year, I'm very good at planning trips), but I am not as good at the mundane, less-fun parts of this. Sending this to my friends who live in the same city as me, and writing a commitment to be better at showing up during the not-sexy parts, was an act of vulnerability today. I already have anxiety about it - how will my weekends be compromised now? What if I can't always get a workout in when I want to? But I know that if I want to be a part of a strong community (and I do) then I'm going to have to get uncomfortable sometimes.
All well said, thank you!
I tell my much younger friends (in their 20's) who leave college and then find it challenging to make and keep friends without a school structure that friendships require work. Sometimes bad and sad work - discovering that the wonderful woman you met when your kids played together suddenly has no time for you, or finding out that the person you loved being with at a job years ago now has different priorities for their life. But it's mostly good work - seeing a friend you haven't seen and have barely talked to since before Covid started and realizing that the soul of that friendship is still there. Negotiating a pizza date with two folks whose disparate work schedules require just that - scheduling an adult play date! Having breakfast every week with a friend who is sunk in the depths of depression, knowing that it will be an hour of abject misery, but that you need to continue to be a part of this person's life.
Adult friending requires commitment, realizing when to let go, putting yourself out there to meet new folks (older and younger than you), risking rejection, and cultivating new relationships. It's work, and it's rewarding.
This is a really great guide, but how do you make friends? I have a lot of meaningful relationships, but they are all with people who live far away.
SO GOOD. The "Bourgeois American Culture and White Supremacy are all about the myths of self-reliance and perfection" observation/analysis is SPOT ON. I love helping and being there for others, yet feel timid about asking for help - but deep down know that others would appreciate being asked! We need one another. Thank you.
I love this! Just texted a child free friend to see if they’d like to go to a museum this weekend. My kids will probably be awesome and annoying at some point during this outing, but that’s okay!
"Acknowledge that there will be periods of your friends’ lives during which it will be easier and harder for them to be a good friend to you — but don’t give up on the friendship."
So much this. That first year in particular, but even really pretty much as long as I had to order my life around naptime... it was just SO HARD to do anything that wasn't centered around the baby. My childfree friends who held on during those times and held space for me to resurface are absolutely all the more cherished for it.
Something else I want my childfree friends to understand is that: I absolutely do understand that you want to see me and my spouse without the kids sometimes. I also want that. But if I have to get a babysitter to attend your thing, you are effectively putting a cover charge on it. And you can do that! You can absolutely host the thing you want to host, and I probably really want to attend! But when *everyone* is hosting child-free holiday parties in December for example, I have to ask myself how many times I'm going to get a sitter in a month, and then we're basically down to ranking my friends, and that sucks.
I am a recovering perfectionist (helloooo white supremacy culture), and I have wasted SO MUCH time and energy worrying about my parenting situation, my messy house, and how others will judge me. It has done nothing but isolate me and intensify that hamster-wheel anxiety reel in my head.
THANK YOU for the reminder of the importance of friendship and the guidance on *how* to create deeper connection between friends. Raising my hand as *that* person who agonizes over a single text with a friend.
I think the thing about how dominant ideology produces a barrier to establishing inter-relationships of care is so important.
One of the ways I often think about it doing this is through our built environment. Housing and wider urban spaces are so often built around ideas of exclusive use and almost non existent communal space.
For me this creates a very real physical separation/barrier to overcome if we want to create inter dependence
This piece brings up a lot for me. I am married and child-free, not by choice. Most of my friends and relatives had their children a decade ago and I DID NOT put in the time with their children. On the flip side, I also wasn't invited to be active in their lives. There are many reasons for this, of course, and now my focus is how to be a better friend to all of my people. Without getting bogged by regret and sorrow over what could have been.
This is comprehensive and beautifully written. As a childless person, I have been on the receiving end of both pity and envy from mothers. I’d definitely tell them not to feel either.
It is very helpful (but of course sad) to hear that most people are feeling this isolation and it's not just me.
Ugh the “perfect house” thing hit home. I didn’t have people over even when I really needed it because my house was just super messy when I had little kids.
I’d also like to add specifically GenX people who have college kids and older may have more time to hang out with you and your kids, and we don’t care one bit about your house, because we’ve been there. I adore my circle of friends now because there’s several life stages included.
I just have to say that the Big Charlie's birthday quest photo is SO lovely
This newsletter is consistently one of the best reads on the internet! Thank you!
In less than a week, I’m making a short move into a new community and I hope to strengthen the (newish) friendships and (weakish) community bonds I have there. Having very practical ideas for how to make that happen is so so valuable.
My parents did not provide a good model for community-building nor for making and keeping friends. Their community-ties and friendships were ready-made large families and childhood friendships in a tight-knit farming community. Sadly, when conflicts arise, they literally stop speaking to people forever. They are now entering their retirements mostly estranged from their own siblings, with no close friends, and only one of their children in regular contact.
I will not follow that path! But I gotta say it’s looking pretty terrifying to go out and make friends and show up and be vulnerable and have good boundaries and invest yourself in people.
Go to kids' concerts, games, plays, and so forth, especially if the parents have crummy commutes and/or a job that likes to throw last-minute wrenches into plans. I got such unadulterated joy from my friend's daughter's Little League games and preschool plays. I don't live near them any more but it was HUGE for them to see another adult who loved them out there in the stands.