This is such a beautiful post. Slightly separate from the stuff about parenting...I really appreciate the the acknowledgement that care, community-building, and friendship are often unglamorous and difficult. Once you give into that reality, so much opens up. Or at least that's been my experience with parenting and community work.
That's been my experience too. I love that you draw the connection between the unglamorous and difficult aspects of parenting and community work, because I see that as well. And like parenting, I see a disproportionate share of the dirty work of community/friendship building falling to the woman in heterosexual relationships.
Thank you for saying that! I feel that one of the reasons that I don't have community is because I've done the kid raising thing, I've done the community building thing, and I refuse to take on disproportionate burdens any more. I will only participate in deep reciprocal relationships. I am willing to put in the time and effort in those relationships, but it has to be reciprocal, and with a lot of community building, it just isn't.
I (a child-free person) think I am good at the bigger "event"-type things (I host a NYE pajama party at my house every year, I'm very good at planning trips), but I am not as good at the mundane, less-fun parts of this. Sending this to my friends who live in the same city as me, and writing a commitment to be better at showing up during the not-sexy parts, was an act of vulnerability today. I already have anxiety about it - how will my weekends be compromised now? What if I can't always get a workout in when I want to? But I know that if I want to be a part of a strong community (and I do) then I'm going to have to get uncomfortable sometimes.
I tell my much younger friends (in their 20's) who leave college and then find it challenging to make and keep friends without a school structure that friendships require work. Sometimes bad and sad work - discovering that the wonderful woman you met when your kids played together suddenly has no time for you, or finding out that the person you loved being with at a job years ago now has different priorities for their life. But it's mostly good work - seeing a friend you haven't seen and have barely talked to since before Covid started and realizing that the soul of that friendship is still there. Negotiating a pizza date with two folks whose disparate work schedules require just that - scheduling an adult play date! Having breakfast every week with a friend who is sunk in the depths of depression, knowing that it will be an hour of abject misery, but that you need to continue to be a part of this person's life.
Adult friending requires commitment, realizing when to let go, putting yourself out there to meet new folks (older and younger than you), risking rejection, and cultivating new relationships. It's work, and it's rewarding.
Yes, I often think of that meme from a few years ago about where your Internet friends live. One tiny slice of the chart was "Within a half hour drive" and the rest of the chart was "Narnia or some shit." And it's not just Internet friends; friends from high school and college and earlier jobs all live spread out all over the country.
SO GOOD. The "Bourgeois American Culture and White Supremacy are all about the myths of self-reliance and perfection" observation/analysis is SPOT ON. I love helping and being there for others, yet feel timid about asking for help - but deep down know that others would appreciate being asked! We need one another. Thank you.
I love this! Just texted a child free friend to see if they’d like to go to a museum this weekend. My kids will probably be awesome and annoying at some point during this outing, but that’s okay!
Having been the child-free friend who went to museums with a friend and her two children - yes, they melted down but mostly they were AWESOME and having another novel grown-up to test boundaries was great for everyone!
"Acknowledge that there will be periods of your friends’ lives during which it will be easier and harder for them to be a good friend to you — but don’t give up on the friendship."
So much this. That first year in particular, but even really pretty much as long as I had to order my life around naptime... it was just SO HARD to do anything that wasn't centered around the baby. My childfree friends who held on during those times and held space for me to resurface are absolutely all the more cherished for it.
Something else I want my childfree friends to understand is that: I absolutely do understand that you want to see me and my spouse without the kids sometimes. I also want that. But if I have to get a babysitter to attend your thing, you are effectively putting a cover charge on it. And you can do that! You can absolutely host the thing you want to host, and I probably really want to attend! But when *everyone* is hosting child-free holiday parties in December for example, I have to ask myself how many times I'm going to get a sitter in a month, and then we're basically down to ranking my friends, and that sucks.
I am a recovering perfectionist (helloooo white supremacy culture), and I have wasted SO MUCH time and energy worrying about my parenting situation, my messy house, and how others will judge me. It has done nothing but isolate me and intensify that hamster-wheel anxiety reel in my head.
THANK YOU for the reminder of the importance of friendship and the guidance on *how* to create deeper connection between friends. Raising my hand as *that* person who agonizes over a single text with a friend.
This piece brings up a lot for me. I am married and child-free, not by choice. Most of my friends and relatives had their children a decade ago and I DID NOT put in the time with their children. On the flip side, I also wasn't invited to be active in their lives. There are many reasons for this, of course, and now my focus is how to be a better friend to all of my people. Without getting bogged by regret and sorrow over what could have been.
I think the thing about how dominant ideology produces a barrier to establishing inter-relationships of care is so important.
One of the ways I often think about it doing this is through our built environment. Housing and wider urban spaces are so often built around ideas of exclusive use and almost non existent communal space.
For me this creates a very real physical separation/barrier to overcome if we want to create inter dependence
It's so real — and no mistake that the "American dream" of an individual house has.....a fence around it! A single-family dwelling! Totally counter inter-dependence.
My dream is a duplex or multiplex situation with friends and family in the other units. I'd buy a place with an ADU in a heartbeat if my brother or my bestie would live in the other half.
We need something less elaborate (and expensive) than "independent living". We need communities where we can call on each other for babysitting or fixing meals for a disabled family member, shared meals. I have no idea where to find such a place.
I know of people trying to build such a community where I used to live, an intentional community with shared spaces in an apartment building. It sounds great. It will take years to assemble, and the price of entry for a reasonably sized apartment is... I laughed hollowly just looking at it. Yeah, I do not have that kind of money.
This is comprehensive and beautifully written. As a childless person, I have been on the receiving end of both pity and envy from mothers. I’d definitely tell them not to feel either.
Ugh the “perfect house” thing hit home. I didn’t have people over even when I really needed it because my house was just super messy when I had little kids.
I’d also like to add specifically GenX people who have college kids and older may have more time to hang out with you and your kids, and we don’t care one bit about your house, because we’ve been there. I adore my circle of friends now because there’s several life stages included.
I have neighbors who have 6 children. Shortly after the youngest was born, I dropped something off at their house. Mom was like, oh, don't come in, the house is a mess, the baby's crying. And all I said was, your children are kind people, and a delight to be with. Be proud of yourself, and don't worry about the house, geez.
Hits here, too. I have birthday and Christmas gifts sitting on my table for a friend who won't invite me over because her apartment always needs cleaning. Like- I don't even care if your kid's toys are on the floor and you have dishes in the sink, that's how my house looks. (We've been trying to coordinate time to meet up, but the one time each week when she and her kid are most available is one time when I'm not.)
This newsletter is consistently one of the best reads on the internet! Thank you!
In less than a week, I’m making a short move into a new community and I hope to strengthen the (newish) friendships and (weakish) community bonds I have there. Having very practical ideas for how to make that happen is so so valuable.
My parents did not provide a good model for community-building nor for making and keeping friends. Their community-ties and friendships were ready-made large families and childhood friendships in a tight-knit farming community. Sadly, when conflicts arise, they literally stop speaking to people forever. They are now entering their retirements mostly estranged from their own siblings, with no close friends, and only one of their children in regular contact.
I will not follow that path! But I gotta say it’s looking pretty terrifying to go out and make friends and show up and be vulnerable and have good boundaries and invest yourself in people.
It's interesting to think about parental models for community building. My parents (and my mom in particular) did a wonderful job of building tight-knit, inter-dependent community with other families with young kids in our suburban neighborhood and at church. But they didn't maintain any regular ties with childfree friends (part of this is geographical, as they moved away from the area where most of their college friends lived), so I don't think I knew any childfree adults as a kid other than one great aunt. Now I have a baby and the majority of my closest local friends are childfree (or don't yet have kids, in some cases) so I don't have good models for how to navigate these relationships
I'm glad you noted the significance of geography. Homogenized single family housing neighborhoods weren't designed with childfree folks in mind (unless they made a certain income).
Similarly, the majority of my close friends are childfree and I didn't have any good models of this growing up. Fortunately, they've really been there for us (me, husband, daughter), and it helps that they invite my daughter to everything and she's pretty easygoing and relatively flexible, and that I communicate clearly when things are not flexible. For instance, if a friend is hosting a party from 2 pm through the night, I let them know that we'll plan to be there after naptime (which is typically 1-3) but have a hard leave time of 7 pm to drive home before bedtime.
I try to regularly text them and keep in touch, too, and try to be there for them when I can. Literally this evening my daughter and I will be picking up a friend at 7 pm from an appointment, driving them 30 minutes to their home, and then going home ourselves to be home for bedtime. When they asked, I was clear that my daughter would be with me and that we wouldn't be able to hang out because of bedtime, and they're just really happy that they won't have a 2 hour bus ride home plus a little bit of time to catch up. We will find a time in the next month to schedule dinner and really catch up one-on-one. All expectations are clear!
Go to kids' concerts, games, plays, and so forth, especially if the parents have crummy commutes and/or a job that likes to throw last-minute wrenches into plans. I got such unadulterated joy from my friend's daughter's Little League games and preschool plays. I don't live near them any more but it was HUGE for them to see another adult who loved them out there in the stands.
This is such a beautiful post. Slightly separate from the stuff about parenting...I really appreciate the the acknowledgement that care, community-building, and friendship are often unglamorous and difficult. Once you give into that reality, so much opens up. Or at least that's been my experience with parenting and community work.
That's been my experience too. I love that you draw the connection between the unglamorous and difficult aspects of parenting and community work, because I see that as well. And like parenting, I see a disproportionate share of the dirty work of community/friendship building falling to the woman in heterosexual relationships.
Thank you for saying that! I feel that one of the reasons that I don't have community is because I've done the kid raising thing, I've done the community building thing, and I refuse to take on disproportionate burdens any more. I will only participate in deep reciprocal relationships. I am willing to put in the time and effort in those relationships, but it has to be reciprocal, and with a lot of community building, it just isn't.
I (a child-free person) think I am good at the bigger "event"-type things (I host a NYE pajama party at my house every year, I'm very good at planning trips), but I am not as good at the mundane, less-fun parts of this. Sending this to my friends who live in the same city as me, and writing a commitment to be better at showing up during the not-sexy parts, was an act of vulnerability today. I already have anxiety about it - how will my weekends be compromised now? What if I can't always get a workout in when I want to? But I know that if I want to be a part of a strong community (and I do) then I'm going to have to get uncomfortable sometimes.
That is to say, thank you for putting this together, and helping us with the difficulty of getting started.
All well said, thank you!
I tell my much younger friends (in their 20's) who leave college and then find it challenging to make and keep friends without a school structure that friendships require work. Sometimes bad and sad work - discovering that the wonderful woman you met when your kids played together suddenly has no time for you, or finding out that the person you loved being with at a job years ago now has different priorities for their life. But it's mostly good work - seeing a friend you haven't seen and have barely talked to since before Covid started and realizing that the soul of that friendship is still there. Negotiating a pizza date with two folks whose disparate work schedules require just that - scheduling an adult play date! Having breakfast every week with a friend who is sunk in the depths of depression, knowing that it will be an hour of abject misery, but that you need to continue to be a part of this person's life.
Adult friending requires commitment, realizing when to let go, putting yourself out there to meet new folks (older and younger than you), risking rejection, and cultivating new relationships. It's work, and it's rewarding.
This is a really great guide, but how do you make friends? I have a lot of meaningful relationships, but they are all with people who live far away.
Yes, I often think of that meme from a few years ago about where your Internet friends live. One tiny slice of the chart was "Within a half hour drive" and the rest of the chart was "Narnia or some shit." And it's not just Internet friends; friends from high school and college and earlier jobs all live spread out all over the country.
SO GOOD. The "Bourgeois American Culture and White Supremacy are all about the myths of self-reliance and perfection" observation/analysis is SPOT ON. I love helping and being there for others, yet feel timid about asking for help - but deep down know that others would appreciate being asked! We need one another. Thank you.
I love this! Just texted a child free friend to see if they’d like to go to a museum this weekend. My kids will probably be awesome and annoying at some point during this outing, but that’s okay!
Having been the child-free friend who went to museums with a friend and her two children - yes, they melted down but mostly they were AWESOME and having another novel grown-up to test boundaries was great for everyone!
Yes!!!!!
"Acknowledge that there will be periods of your friends’ lives during which it will be easier and harder for them to be a good friend to you — but don’t give up on the friendship."
So much this. That first year in particular, but even really pretty much as long as I had to order my life around naptime... it was just SO HARD to do anything that wasn't centered around the baby. My childfree friends who held on during those times and held space for me to resurface are absolutely all the more cherished for it.
Something else I want my childfree friends to understand is that: I absolutely do understand that you want to see me and my spouse without the kids sometimes. I also want that. But if I have to get a babysitter to attend your thing, you are effectively putting a cover charge on it. And you can do that! You can absolutely host the thing you want to host, and I probably really want to attend! But when *everyone* is hosting child-free holiday parties in December for example, I have to ask myself how many times I'm going to get a sitter in a month, and then we're basically down to ranking my friends, and that sucks.
I am a recovering perfectionist (helloooo white supremacy culture), and I have wasted SO MUCH time and energy worrying about my parenting situation, my messy house, and how others will judge me. It has done nothing but isolate me and intensify that hamster-wheel anxiety reel in my head.
THANK YOU for the reminder of the importance of friendship and the guidance on *how* to create deeper connection between friends. Raising my hand as *that* person who agonizes over a single text with a friend.
This piece brings up a lot for me. I am married and child-free, not by choice. Most of my friends and relatives had their children a decade ago and I DID NOT put in the time with their children. On the flip side, I also wasn't invited to be active in their lives. There are many reasons for this, of course, and now my focus is how to be a better friend to all of my people. Without getting bogged by regret and sorrow over what could have been.
I think the thing about how dominant ideology produces a barrier to establishing inter-relationships of care is so important.
One of the ways I often think about it doing this is through our built environment. Housing and wider urban spaces are so often built around ideas of exclusive use and almost non existent communal space.
For me this creates a very real physical separation/barrier to overcome if we want to create inter dependence
It's so real — and no mistake that the "American dream" of an individual house has.....a fence around it! A single-family dwelling! Totally counter inter-dependence.
My dream is a duplex or multiplex situation with friends and family in the other units. I'd buy a place with an ADU in a heartbeat if my brother or my bestie would live in the other half.
We need something less elaborate (and expensive) than "independent living". We need communities where we can call on each other for babysitting or fixing meals for a disabled family member, shared meals. I have no idea where to find such a place.
I know of people trying to build such a community where I used to live, an intentional community with shared spaces in an apartment building. It sounds great. It will take years to assemble, and the price of entry for a reasonably sized apartment is... I laughed hollowly just looking at it. Yeah, I do not have that kind of money.
This is comprehensive and beautifully written. As a childless person, I have been on the receiving end of both pity and envy from mothers. I’d definitely tell them not to feel either.
It is very helpful (but of course sad) to hear that most people are feeling this isolation and it's not just me.
Ugh the “perfect house” thing hit home. I didn’t have people over even when I really needed it because my house was just super messy when I had little kids.
I’d also like to add specifically GenX people who have college kids and older may have more time to hang out with you and your kids, and we don’t care one bit about your house, because we’ve been there. I adore my circle of friends now because there’s several life stages included.
I have neighbors who have 6 children. Shortly after the youngest was born, I dropped something off at their house. Mom was like, oh, don't come in, the house is a mess, the baby's crying. And all I said was, your children are kind people, and a delight to be with. Be proud of yourself, and don't worry about the house, geez.
Hits here, too. I have birthday and Christmas gifts sitting on my table for a friend who won't invite me over because her apartment always needs cleaning. Like- I don't even care if your kid's toys are on the floor and you have dishes in the sink, that's how my house looks. (We've been trying to coordinate time to meet up, but the one time each week when she and her kid are most available is one time when I'm not.)
I just have to say that the Big Charlie's birthday quest photo is SO lovely
This newsletter is consistently one of the best reads on the internet! Thank you!
In less than a week, I’m making a short move into a new community and I hope to strengthen the (newish) friendships and (weakish) community bonds I have there. Having very practical ideas for how to make that happen is so so valuable.
My parents did not provide a good model for community-building nor for making and keeping friends. Their community-ties and friendships were ready-made large families and childhood friendships in a tight-knit farming community. Sadly, when conflicts arise, they literally stop speaking to people forever. They are now entering their retirements mostly estranged from their own siblings, with no close friends, and only one of their children in regular contact.
I will not follow that path! But I gotta say it’s looking pretty terrifying to go out and make friends and show up and be vulnerable and have good boundaries and invest yourself in people.
It's interesting to think about parental models for community building. My parents (and my mom in particular) did a wonderful job of building tight-knit, inter-dependent community with other families with young kids in our suburban neighborhood and at church. But they didn't maintain any regular ties with childfree friends (part of this is geographical, as they moved away from the area where most of their college friends lived), so I don't think I knew any childfree adults as a kid other than one great aunt. Now I have a baby and the majority of my closest local friends are childfree (or don't yet have kids, in some cases) so I don't have good models for how to navigate these relationships
I'm glad you noted the significance of geography. Homogenized single family housing neighborhoods weren't designed with childfree folks in mind (unless they made a certain income).
Similarly, the majority of my close friends are childfree and I didn't have any good models of this growing up. Fortunately, they've really been there for us (me, husband, daughter), and it helps that they invite my daughter to everything and she's pretty easygoing and relatively flexible, and that I communicate clearly when things are not flexible. For instance, if a friend is hosting a party from 2 pm through the night, I let them know that we'll plan to be there after naptime (which is typically 1-3) but have a hard leave time of 7 pm to drive home before bedtime.
I try to regularly text them and keep in touch, too, and try to be there for them when I can. Literally this evening my daughter and I will be picking up a friend at 7 pm from an appointment, driving them 30 minutes to their home, and then going home ourselves to be home for bedtime. When they asked, I was clear that my daughter would be with me and that we wouldn't be able to hang out because of bedtime, and they're just really happy that they won't have a 2 hour bus ride home plus a little bit of time to catch up. We will find a time in the next month to schedule dinner and really catch up one-on-one. All expectations are clear!
Go to kids' concerts, games, plays, and so forth, especially if the parents have crummy commutes and/or a job that likes to throw last-minute wrenches into plans. I got such unadulterated joy from my friend's daughter's Little League games and preschool plays. I don't live near them any more but it was HUGE for them to see another adult who loved them out there in the stands.