That was really interesting. I will go get this. I especially felt the part about public spaces and the shame associated with being in public. There was one point where my dad was going through chemo and my sons were under 2 and we went out to a 4:30 seating for dinner (really, my favorite time for dinner) and it was SO HARD. I was nursing, helping my mom feed my dad and generally trying to have a nice time because Dad was dying (he would be dead within a month) and someone actually came up to us and told me that we were making her uncomfortable. 💔 I could have died with the shame of it. And I just want to take that younger version of me and hold her and help her keep it together by telling her how much she deserved to occupy space with her family.
Thank you...I did not realize that I was still sad about that and needed to acknowledge that. 😔
It never fails to surprise and shock me what people feel comfortable to say to one another. So many words available and that was what you said to another person!?
I’m sorry that happened to you and you’ve been carrying it for so long.
I’m so sorry someone would be so audaciously unkind to you, especially in that moment where you were just attempting some normalcy with your family. Just trying to feed your loved ones.
I just am speechless that someone chose to be so cruel to you. That dinner does sound hard, but I am proud of you for making it happen. Everyone deserves to be in society-- aging adults, nursing babies, etc...
I wish I was surprised by this, but sadly I am not. We live in such a deeply care and dependency blind world, that the person who told you this likely saw themselves as utterly reasonable. This is why I believe that a world that supports caregivers must begin with paid leave...but it is so much bigger than that. That person shouldn't just welcome your family in public, they should see you as doing something that is powerful, meaningful, essential --and just friggin core to being human. I have some beautiful stories from parents and caregivers in my book about people who "dared" to care in public. It can be a brave act. Sending love!
I love this reply and have felt myself wondering the same thing before. The other day I saw a woman at my OBGYN with her infant and her toddler, and the poor toddler was having a meltdown. I kept thinking UGH I know this must be hard for this mom and I have no idea what to do to help. I even have a toddler of my own, but still I was standing there paralyzed, not knowing how to offer help. She looked so angry and frustrated and I was terrified to make it worse or make her feel more embarrassed. I felt so stupid and useless. Then I watched some other woman go up to her and offer to help. She said “how can I help? Can I hold your baby or help get her into her car seat while you take care of the little man here?” I was awestruck. Immediately felt like OF COURSE, that is what I should have done. I felt so grateful for that lady stepping in to help, and took major mental notes for next time I am given an opportunity to help.
i love this question. if I see a parent looking nervous about a loud kid I say, when appropriate, something like "just so you know, she isn't bothering me at all." or if someone is caring for an older adult I try to say "please take your time, I am not in a rush," or something like that.
I will be honest and admit I usually don't read the comments after reading the newsletter in my email, but this one sent me straight to the comment section to see what people had to say. I was not disappointed! Like others have pointed out, there's a huge difference in compelled vs. chosen caregiving duties. I have two thoughts:
1. I have a disabled son (currently 5), and he's the greatest source of joy in my life! And frankly it's disgusting how many people react to me disclosing his disability like I've just told them he has 3 months to live. Folks, this isn't a tragedy for me - this is the reality of my favorite person on the planet. For other parents in the same situation I recommend following "A Diary of a Mom" on Facebook (her disabled daughter is a young adult) because she highlights a lot of the joyful moments of parenting a disabled kid.
2. My husband has been parenting his mother since he was about 13 (and fully and intensively since age 25), and there are no upsides to parenting a parent, especially when that parent is unpleasant. She could live another 20 years! And morally we can't just cut her off (she is also disabled). But there's no feel-good book to be written about it.
I agree with Teresa! The title of the post caught me because being a mother myself has been the most challenging part of my life and I still find myself wanting to know/read/understand it better even though I’m kind of on the part of the highway where you’re slowing down on the curve before the exit?
(My son is 22… yes motherhood is forever but it’s different now.)
Oddly enough, coincidently, synchronistically (?), this post was more apropos anyway because I’m now in a season (unexpected) of caring for my father. This caring, at present, takes the form of taking him shopping, making sure his apartment is clean, project- managing his many doctor appts, and overseeing finances. It’s like a part-time job now. And I work full-time, just as I always have, so the constant juggling of time isn’t new. (What is new is trying to do it all on behalf of an adult. With the exception of taking him shopping, an activity I try to minimize in my own life & personally loathe but seems to have become a hobby of sorts him—he’d go to Walmart daily if he could—he fights me on all the other responsibilities.)
I digress.
Caregiving for an elder parent is a strangely different ride from mothering a child. The exhaustive bit of it is there, the feeling of being swallowed up, of needing respite, of no one ‘appreciating’…
The ‘special’ twist, though, is that the person you’re caring for isn’t getting progressively more independent/needy as time passes, as a baby/child would, but less independent/ever more needy.
It terrifies me, truth be told.
I am going to read this book, and research the other people mentioned. I’m desperate for inspiration.
I am in a very similar season and as I said to a co-worker this week... caring for my dad is harder because it is like dealing with a toddler but one who has a bank account and a driver's license
The progressively more dependent part is so so important! And the fact that as our parents generation lives much longer, it's not a period of a few years of mostly being dependent, it's decades.
I am also terrified, and angry, and mourning the life I had made for myself as a single woman who started a business and bought my own house. At the same time, I have to hold all of this pain with the knowledge that we are *so lucky* because I have that house, and I do work for myself, and my dad is a disabled veteran so we get really good benefits. And yet none of this feels lucky at all.
I lived through this season (beautiful word!) with both parents at the same time-- and yes, the main difference when you're parenting a parent is that the end is usually exhausting and heartbreaking, not liberating -- not that parenting child ever really "ends," either!
this is so very true, and it was definitely a challenge to cover both in the book as they have a lot of overlap, but are also quite different. i think what really convinced me is realizing how under-discussed and under-acknowledged, all other types of care are compared to parenting, just on every single level. and while care is a big container, there is some fundamental truth that is human dependency that we just pretend isn't real, especially when it comes to adults. I have lots of stories in my book from all kinds of caregivers and while care certainly wasn't easy for many of them, it was a big, epic experience. I wanted to give them a chance to share their wisdom, hard-earned as it was.
“Motherhood as identity expansion rather than colonization” is a darn good summation of my mission statement for this new journey (due in Oct.). I refuse to lose myself and man does it make some people uncomfortable. Finding people who treat me like a whole person is a challenge these days and the lessons I’m learning about how to speak to, relate to, and lift up parents are ones I will hold on to and try to share as much as I can. Can’t wait to read this book.
I had my first last October and have totally felt my identity expand in the way the author described! Wishing you the best of luck in this sweet and exciting time!
This quote really resonates with me too. I have two kids and the first two years of each of their lives was difficult for all the reasons you can expect (mostly lack of sleep). And I am coming out on the other side with my second and have started to feel more creative and energetic about my work and hobbies than ever before. I care more deeply about the world and people in it, not just my kids. I know motherhood doesn’t need to be a prerequisite for this expansion, but it was for me.
I think that some people may be their own worst enemy when it comes to being a parent. There is no need to really have such soul searching about identity and what it means. A child is a gift to your life, and who cares what the trendy Brooklyn parents are saying and what you should feel? Feel whatever you want to feel, but it should come from you, not the “intellectual noise” telling you how to approach motherhood. I honestly think it’s mostly best to ignore all that kind of chatter and not to let it affect you.
That said, I also found “mom culture” stupid. Wine moms - (alcoholics), frenzied moms - (disorganized), etc. and none of that fit with how I was a mom and who I was. I liked my child, so I don’t need to drink. I don’t need to pretend I’m disorganized and dirty like idk so many mom blogs and memes out there. So I just ignored it all. I did make some mom friends, but they also have brains and jobs, and our kids added to our lives. Being a mom brought us together.
I feel like I sound like a stay at home mom, but I’m not - I work full time in an executive role and have elder care duties as well.
I also feel there are not enough positives said about being a parent. My guess is I’m far from the only one who doesn’t identify with the mom culture of wine and disorganization, etc.
I have heard people say that every teen generation thinks they’ve invented/ discovered sex, but I feel like we’re doing that to motherhood now. Motherhood is freaking hard, but historically speaking it’s not that special.
Thank you for saying this. I often feel like people think I’m boasting when I say I stay off mommy social media but truly it is for my sanity. I made the decision post partum and it’s been the gift that keeps on giving. The social media I let in pre pregnancy made me feel sad, like I’d hate taking care of a child, even if I loved them.
Well, I have really loved being a mom! Babies are so fun. Every milestone feels special. I’m sad it’s all going by so quickly. Having a baby also didn’t change my cleanliness or organizational habits. We’ve stayed pretty consistent here.
This was such a thought-provoking read.......and I will admit that a lot of Elissa's experiences feel really different to mine. This line in particular: "It was 2012, and I got these ideas from the broader culture in which motherhood was generally seen as only creatively or intellectually worthy when it was paired with ambivalence, suspicion or rejection." Feels very alien to me. Maybe it's because I was unknowingly part of that culture? Or maybe "that culture" is a very specific slice of culture. Maybe my immigrant family and that cultural influence gave me a different impression. Idk.
What definitely does resonate is the analysis and recognition of the patriarchal influence on why care is undervalued. I'm glad it was addressed in the question about "fetishizing domesticity". The idea that women are by default better at caring and thus by default should be the ones doing it, and being happy to do it, and asking nothing for it - yikes at all of that. When I think about care, I think of it similarly to a lot of other decisions that are sometimes viewed as political statements when made by a women: ultimately, the experience depends a lot on the circumstances, and one of the most important components, to me, is *choice*. (Of course!)
Working in medicine is where I get the most of my exposure to care, and I have seen and experienced so many different dynamics - none of it is simple, it's all terribly messy, but I still feel that boiling it down to choice makes sense to me. Caring for someone because you chose to, out of love or something like it, is so special. I feel that way about whatever version of care I participate in through my job, despite the recipients being strangers most of the time. Caring for someone because you're forced to - particularly when it's unappreciated - that's more draining than enriching. Care can certainly still be hard even when it is chosen, and I recognize there is a lot of gray area in the chosen vs. forced continuum as to how people end up being carers.
Yes this. The choosing vs the forced. I became a mother by choice and all this choice entailed, for better or for worse, was what I signed up for, so to speak.
I became a caregiver for my dad not by choice but by default. His long-term relationship fell apart in the last six months and neither of my sisters is in communication with him. He has no friends and his two (older) sisters live in the other side of the country. So it’s just me.
It does add a different flavor to things. A lot of resentment (towards my sisters/the girlfriend), guilt (‘he’s my father, how can I be so selfish?’), rage (that he is the way he is and thus has no friends/support system whatsoever). I could go on.
He and I had an argument about this card (insurance?) in his wallet. He frustrated with my questions about it, his excuse that his girlfriend took care of ‘that stuff’ so what did he know. Me frustrated because how the hell am I supposed to know anything, without at least asking questions of him. I don’t know about ‘that stuff’ either.
His therapist told me to back off a little, let him take control, what’s the worst that could happen (I guess he’s been complaining). I said ‘what’s the worst that could happen? Um… he could run out of insulin? He could fail to see his cardiologist when he should? He could lose the lab requisition or throw it? He could make an appt with a Dr without considering whether or not I can take him since he didn’t coordinate with me and I have a job?…)
While I enjoyed a lot of this conversation, I am beginning to feel uncomfortable with how centered parenting of non-disabled biological children is becoming in the word and concept of "care." It's important that "caregiving" is an umbrella that can provide allyship between parenthood and other care roles, but continuing to center the struggles of married moms with abled children is perpetuating the invisibility of the rest of care, rather than revealing it.
I honestly do not like lumping the care of children with elder adults. It’s so different. It’s not remotely the same. I work full time, have a 7 year old son, AND help care for my mother in law. I don’t know but it feels like whoever lumps it all together just doesn’t get how different this is. Especially with elder parents, there is an element of grief. But sure, yeah I’m taking off work to take the kid or an adult to the doctor - sort of the same, but 100% not. So let’s call it all care.
Honestly, I think it's mostly a savvy political organizing tactic, to borrow the political power (and energy!) of traditional parents in order to lobby and advocate for caregivers at large - but it is having the slightly alienating effect of collapsing a lot of our needs into "paid caregiving" which yes, everyone should have. My family has access to almost round the clock caregivers who also do housekeeping - if I was a parent to abled kids, that would be literally transformative, like Chrissy Tiegen level capacity. As a solo caregiver to two disabled adults who aren't sick, that takes me out of constant crisis, but the list of things I need to be able to access any joy or meaning in this is much much longer.
I understand -- there are risks to talking about care as one thing, and risks to not talking about it that way. I have stories of parents who care for disabled children in the book, as well many other types of care stories -- so it's not just my personal experience FWIW. Also, I really love the work of Jessica Patay and Kelley Colman who are parents of disabled children and I want to spread the word about their books, which are wonderful. As are they! https://www.wearebravetogether.org/https://www.kelleycoleman.com/
Strongly agree. I am not a mother but was my recently passed elderly fathers main family caregiver for the last several years of his life. I am now seeing my stepfather and mother requiring similar care soon. As others in this thread have pointed out, the experience of eldercare is radically different and caregiving conversations dominated by caring for small children often feels very different for many reasons.
What I experience in “the culture” is more broadly a deep resentment and antagonism to obligation to anyone other than the self. And finding meaning as a culture/species in caring for others is very very hard when it has to first meet the requirement that it is providing something wanted/desired for the self right here on earth now.
I am Gen X and have SO MANY friends who are currently caregiving for their parents (and sometimes their kids). Two of my close friends have completely disrupted their careers and another is currently taking a leave of absence from her job as a CEO. I definitely see some patterns in this: two of them are Asian and say their culture factors into it. One, in fact, has a father who is capable of taking care of the mother but...just won't. And the parents live in a rural town and they tell me there are no caregivers for hire there. That seems odd to me but I don't see why they'd lie.
The other friend is white, but she is the only unmarried daughter out of all her sisters so it falls on her. It seems to have completely undermined her financial stability, too.
And my teenager would LOVE to babysit, but no one will hire her. In my area, it seems like parents only want babysitters who are middle-aged women who work as nannies. I hired teens to babysit my daughter after school when I worked and I feel like she loved knowing older girls who were doing things like buying prom dresses and figuring out the world.
I once hired a 13-year-old to walk her 4 blocks home from pre-K and hang out with her for an hour until we got home and her school acted like I had hired a serial killer. I had to sign a WAIVER beyond the typical one to let this occur. It was insane and, to be frank, a bit insulting like I couldn't make good parenting decisions.
We LOVE our rotation of teenage babysitters. My neighbor definitely did think I was nuts when I told her we’d started occasionally leaving our baby with a babysitter at around 6 months old. And she definitely thought I was even more nuts when I told her the babysitter was a 15 year old neighborhood girl who we’d met 2 weeks prior. But I literally feel like finding a few local teenage babysitters who we like and trust is the best decision we’ve made for our family since the baby was born. Teenage babysitters are out here doing God’s work and I will absolutely die on that hill.
I love my daughter’s teenage babysitters and so does she! I feel like I got lucky in finding them though (they’re my friend’s teenage daughter and her best friend), I wouldn’t know where to find other teen babysitters. I’m thinking it’s easier if you are part of a church or other community group with a lot of people of different ages.
I loved this. We pay so much for care -- literally and emotionally -- that we're usually left with no space to think about what else it might look like. But if care, as opposed to individuality/independence, could be the basis of our systems, think of how much could change!
yes! there are so many economists, philosophers, theologians etc. trying to do just this...but, are they being listened to enough? I personally don't think so....but I'm trying to shine the light!
You ARE shining the light! I'm writing an essay right now about the downsides of "aging in place" as policy, and one of the eldercare specialists I read, Ashton Applewhite, said something amazing: they want to eliminate the word "independence" from all discussions of aging, because it reinforces personal responsibility, when really;y we should be thinking about more communitarian models of care.
I love this discussion! I was a summer nanny between high school and college. I had previously envisioned myself as a stay-at-home-mom until that summer taught me that no matter how cute the kids were, I was not going to want to watch kids full time. Alternatively, my sister started out college having a little bit of a hard time “finding herself” until she stumbled upon a part-time job providing respite care for an adult man with low-functioning autism. That job was absolutely transformational for her — she found so much purpose and meaning in it, and it really leveled her up into a truer version of herself. It also paid well, which I think taught all of us around her to start properly valuing care work. I sometimes think about how the world would be different if young people were encouraged to do care work as often as they are encouraged to do, say, a study abroad.
The closest I've come in some time to someone else verbalising what feels like my personal manifesto! I feel very 'seen'. Thank you, Elissa (and than you AHP for making the space) - haven't checked UK availability but I will be seeking this out ASAP.
ah, thank you! if you do get around to reading it, please reach out and let me know what you think. What I want more than anything is to inspire a richer conversation about care...and I certainly do not have all the answers myself.
Such a thought-provoking read! I'm chewing on the idea of care as a set of valuable skills that improve both ourselves and others in arenas outside of caregiving: "Care is also what shaped us for the better, and made us more empathetic, relational and willing to accept that humans are needy, vulnerable, fragile and dependent beings. Men could have used more of this type of cultivation." This shows up a lot as a professor -- there's a lot of handwringing from my middle-aged male colleagues about how 'needy' college students have become, and a real resistance to "meeting students where they are", like this is somehow a lowering of 'meritocratic' 'standards' (ooh my scare-quote fingers are getting a workout today).
I think they want to go back to the semi-mythical days when we would just dump knowledge into compliant full-time students whose only job was to study and learn from experts, but that's just not all that is asked of us any more as educators and I don't actually think that's a bad thing. I find that since becoming a parent I'm actually so much better at setting gentle-but-firm expectations with my college students (I hope they don't realize how similarly I sometimes talk to them and to my 5-year old! But it works!) and I'm much looser about deadlines, punctuality, absences, etc. since the pandemic made us all realize that while everyone is working hard, some folks' lives are wildly more complex than others. I give a lot of grace and rarely feel like it is being taken advantage of, and to me this feels like the biggest avenue where care has informed pedagogy in a positive way.
(of course, the fact that it's my female colleagues who have implemented these practices and my male colleagues who have dug in their heels is a whole different conversation...)
"I got these ideas from the broader culture in which motherhood was generally seen as only creatively or intellectually worthy when it was paired with ambivalence, suspicion or rejection."
-- It is so fascinating to me to hear about experienced like this. I grew up in the extreme right, where motherhood was presented as the only option. You were supposed to quit your job when you got married because only bad moms worked, used daycare, or hired nannies.
I appreciate the discussion about separating care from patriarchy, because I definitely experience and perceive intense caregiving as oppression -- on the extreme right, that's often what it is.
I appreciated this, thank you. I'm a Millennial mother to four young children (six and under), and motherhood has always been my dream. Previous to becoming a stay-at-home-mom, I had a career in photography with some occasional writing on the side. Personally I've found that it has been relatively easy to merge my hobbies and interests from my before motherhood life into motherhood. Motherhood is so inspiring, it is the pinnacle-- my children and caring for them inspires me and gives me so much purpose. I've never understood the way I hear society discuss care work, because I find deep meaning in it.
Like others who have commented here, I have never felt conflicted about caretaking. Many of the same traits and skills come forward in care-taking and the trouble-shooting that involves, the listening, the compromises, the patience, are the same upon which I have drawn in my work outside of the care-taking dimensions. There may be generational or cultural underpinnings in how we feel about being both a caretaking person and someone who does ostensibly separate work in the world beyond the home.
It is important to respect the fact that we bring different feelings and resources to caring, and what may feel threatening to one person just doesn't to another. I agree too that caring of able-bodied children is very different in many ways from caring for elder adults or for chronically sick or disabled people. If you are taking care of a very disabled child, a mentally ill person of any age, or an aging parent with health issues or dementia, please know that you are seen. I know all these aspects of caring intimately, and I, for one, see you.
One thing that has bothered me is when people have looked at the hand I have been dealt and sympathize with me using words like tragedy and grief. I feel with a whole heart but feel neither of these things.
On the other hand I do think there is some tragedy when people walk away from those with complex care-taking responsibilities because it makes their lives easier to look the other way.
I love this -- thanks for sharing. I think people still so easily slot care into either the fairy tale or nightmare/ tragedy narrative...when most of us know it is WAY more complicated than that. It's not happily ever after, or the beginning of the end. It's a crazy fleshy wild sometimes maddening sometimes transcendent journey (all in different proportions for different people) that needs to be acknowledged!
That was really interesting. I will go get this. I especially felt the part about public spaces and the shame associated with being in public. There was one point where my dad was going through chemo and my sons were under 2 and we went out to a 4:30 seating for dinner (really, my favorite time for dinner) and it was SO HARD. I was nursing, helping my mom feed my dad and generally trying to have a nice time because Dad was dying (he would be dead within a month) and someone actually came up to us and told me that we were making her uncomfortable. 💔 I could have died with the shame of it. And I just want to take that younger version of me and hold her and help her keep it together by telling her how much she deserved to occupy space with her family.
Thank you...I did not realize that I was still sad about that and needed to acknowledge that. 😔
It never fails to surprise and shock me what people feel comfortable to say to one another. So many words available and that was what you said to another person!?
I’m sorry that happened to you and you’ve been carrying it for so long.
I’m so sorry someone would be so audaciously unkind to you, especially in that moment where you were just attempting some normalcy with your family. Just trying to feed your loved ones.
People can be so ignorant. 😕
I just am speechless that someone chose to be so cruel to you. That dinner does sound hard, but I am proud of you for making it happen. Everyone deserves to be in society-- aging adults, nursing babies, etc...
amen -- we can't care well if we can't care in public...and if we don't care well, our society won't be well...
I wish I was surprised by this, but sadly I am not. We live in such a deeply care and dependency blind world, that the person who told you this likely saw themselves as utterly reasonable. This is why I believe that a world that supports caregivers must begin with paid leave...but it is so much bigger than that. That person shouldn't just welcome your family in public, they should see you as doing something that is powerful, meaningful, essential --and just friggin core to being human. I have some beautiful stories from parents and caregivers in my book about people who "dared" to care in public. It can be a brave act. Sending love!
I love this reply and have felt myself wondering the same thing before. The other day I saw a woman at my OBGYN with her infant and her toddler, and the poor toddler was having a meltdown. I kept thinking UGH I know this must be hard for this mom and I have no idea what to do to help. I even have a toddler of my own, but still I was standing there paralyzed, not knowing how to offer help. She looked so angry and frustrated and I was terrified to make it worse or make her feel more embarrassed. I felt so stupid and useless. Then I watched some other woman go up to her and offer to help. She said “how can I help? Can I hold your baby or help get her into her car seat while you take care of the little man here?” I was awestruck. Immediately felt like OF COURSE, that is what I should have done. I felt so grateful for that lady stepping in to help, and took major mental notes for next time I am given an opportunity to help.
i love this question. if I see a parent looking nervous about a loud kid I say, when appropriate, something like "just so you know, she isn't bothering me at all." or if someone is caring for an older adult I try to say "please take your time, I am not in a rush," or something like that.
I will be honest and admit I usually don't read the comments after reading the newsletter in my email, but this one sent me straight to the comment section to see what people had to say. I was not disappointed! Like others have pointed out, there's a huge difference in compelled vs. chosen caregiving duties. I have two thoughts:
1. I have a disabled son (currently 5), and he's the greatest source of joy in my life! And frankly it's disgusting how many people react to me disclosing his disability like I've just told them he has 3 months to live. Folks, this isn't a tragedy for me - this is the reality of my favorite person on the planet. For other parents in the same situation I recommend following "A Diary of a Mom" on Facebook (her disabled daughter is a young adult) because she highlights a lot of the joyful moments of parenting a disabled kid.
2. My husband has been parenting his mother since he was about 13 (and fully and intensively since age 25), and there are no upsides to parenting a parent, especially when that parent is unpleasant. She could live another 20 years! And morally we can't just cut her off (she is also disabled). But there's no feel-good book to be written about it.
I agree with Teresa! The title of the post caught me because being a mother myself has been the most challenging part of my life and I still find myself wanting to know/read/understand it better even though I’m kind of on the part of the highway where you’re slowing down on the curve before the exit?
(My son is 22… yes motherhood is forever but it’s different now.)
Oddly enough, coincidently, synchronistically (?), this post was more apropos anyway because I’m now in a season (unexpected) of caring for my father. This caring, at present, takes the form of taking him shopping, making sure his apartment is clean, project- managing his many doctor appts, and overseeing finances. It’s like a part-time job now. And I work full-time, just as I always have, so the constant juggling of time isn’t new. (What is new is trying to do it all on behalf of an adult. With the exception of taking him shopping, an activity I try to minimize in my own life & personally loathe but seems to have become a hobby of sorts him—he’d go to Walmart daily if he could—he fights me on all the other responsibilities.)
I digress.
Caregiving for an elder parent is a strangely different ride from mothering a child. The exhaustive bit of it is there, the feeling of being swallowed up, of needing respite, of no one ‘appreciating’…
The ‘special’ twist, though, is that the person you’re caring for isn’t getting progressively more independent/needy as time passes, as a baby/child would, but less independent/ever more needy.
It terrifies me, truth be told.
I am going to read this book, and research the other people mentioned. I’m desperate for inspiration.
I am in a very similar season and as I said to a co-worker this week... caring for my dad is harder because it is like dealing with a toddler but one who has a bank account and a driver's license
THIS!!!!
The progressively more dependent part is so so important! And the fact that as our parents generation lives much longer, it's not a period of a few years of mostly being dependent, it's decades.
I am also terrified, and angry, and mourning the life I had made for myself as a single woman who started a business and bought my own house. At the same time, I have to hold all of this pain with the knowledge that we are *so lucky* because I have that house, and I do work for myself, and my dad is a disabled veteran so we get really good benefits. And yet none of this feels lucky at all.
I lived through this season (beautiful word!) with both parents at the same time-- and yes, the main difference when you're parenting a parent is that the end is usually exhausting and heartbreaking, not liberating -- not that parenting child ever really "ends," either!
this is so very true, and it was definitely a challenge to cover both in the book as they have a lot of overlap, but are also quite different. i think what really convinced me is realizing how under-discussed and under-acknowledged, all other types of care are compared to parenting, just on every single level. and while care is a big container, there is some fundamental truth that is human dependency that we just pretend isn't real, especially when it comes to adults. I have lots of stories in my book from all kinds of caregivers and while care certainly wasn't easy for many of them, it was a big, epic experience. I wanted to give them a chance to share their wisdom, hard-earned as it was.
“Motherhood as identity expansion rather than colonization” is a darn good summation of my mission statement for this new journey (due in Oct.). I refuse to lose myself and man does it make some people uncomfortable. Finding people who treat me like a whole person is a challenge these days and the lessons I’m learning about how to speak to, relate to, and lift up parents are ones I will hold on to and try to share as much as I can. Can’t wait to read this book.
I had my first last October and have totally felt my identity expand in the way the author described! Wishing you the best of luck in this sweet and exciting time!
Best tidings to you in these last few months… and to the future! 😊
This quote really resonates with me too. I have two kids and the first two years of each of their lives was difficult for all the reasons you can expect (mostly lack of sleep). And I am coming out on the other side with my second and have started to feel more creative and energetic about my work and hobbies than ever before. I care more deeply about the world and people in it, not just my kids. I know motherhood doesn’t need to be a prerequisite for this expansion, but it was for me.
I think that some people may be their own worst enemy when it comes to being a parent. There is no need to really have such soul searching about identity and what it means. A child is a gift to your life, and who cares what the trendy Brooklyn parents are saying and what you should feel? Feel whatever you want to feel, but it should come from you, not the “intellectual noise” telling you how to approach motherhood. I honestly think it’s mostly best to ignore all that kind of chatter and not to let it affect you.
That said, I also found “mom culture” stupid. Wine moms - (alcoholics), frenzied moms - (disorganized), etc. and none of that fit with how I was a mom and who I was. I liked my child, so I don’t need to drink. I don’t need to pretend I’m disorganized and dirty like idk so many mom blogs and memes out there. So I just ignored it all. I did make some mom friends, but they also have brains and jobs, and our kids added to our lives. Being a mom brought us together.
I feel like I sound like a stay at home mom, but I’m not - I work full time in an executive role and have elder care duties as well.
I also feel there are not enough positives said about being a parent. My guess is I’m far from the only one who doesn’t identify with the mom culture of wine and disorganization, etc.
I have heard people say that every teen generation thinks they’ve invented/ discovered sex, but I feel like we’re doing that to motherhood now. Motherhood is freaking hard, but historically speaking it’s not that special.
Love this so much.
I think you are right.
Thank you for saying this. I often feel like people think I’m boasting when I say I stay off mommy social media but truly it is for my sanity. I made the decision post partum and it’s been the gift that keeps on giving. The social media I let in pre pregnancy made me feel sad, like I’d hate taking care of a child, even if I loved them.
Well, I have really loved being a mom! Babies are so fun. Every milestone feels special. I’m sad it’s all going by so quickly. Having a baby also didn’t change my cleanliness or organizational habits. We’ve stayed pretty consistent here.
Totally agree!!
Amy, you are my people.
This was such a thought-provoking read.......and I will admit that a lot of Elissa's experiences feel really different to mine. This line in particular: "It was 2012, and I got these ideas from the broader culture in which motherhood was generally seen as only creatively or intellectually worthy when it was paired with ambivalence, suspicion or rejection." Feels very alien to me. Maybe it's because I was unknowingly part of that culture? Or maybe "that culture" is a very specific slice of culture. Maybe my immigrant family and that cultural influence gave me a different impression. Idk.
What definitely does resonate is the analysis and recognition of the patriarchal influence on why care is undervalued. I'm glad it was addressed in the question about "fetishizing domesticity". The idea that women are by default better at caring and thus by default should be the ones doing it, and being happy to do it, and asking nothing for it - yikes at all of that. When I think about care, I think of it similarly to a lot of other decisions that are sometimes viewed as political statements when made by a women: ultimately, the experience depends a lot on the circumstances, and one of the most important components, to me, is *choice*. (Of course!)
Working in medicine is where I get the most of my exposure to care, and I have seen and experienced so many different dynamics - none of it is simple, it's all terribly messy, but I still feel that boiling it down to choice makes sense to me. Caring for someone because you chose to, out of love or something like it, is so special. I feel that way about whatever version of care I participate in through my job, despite the recipients being strangers most of the time. Caring for someone because you're forced to - particularly when it's unappreciated - that's more draining than enriching. Care can certainly still be hard even when it is chosen, and I recognize there is a lot of gray area in the chosen vs. forced continuum as to how people end up being carers.
Yes this. The choosing vs the forced. I became a mother by choice and all this choice entailed, for better or for worse, was what I signed up for, so to speak.
I became a caregiver for my dad not by choice but by default. His long-term relationship fell apart in the last six months and neither of my sisters is in communication with him. He has no friends and his two (older) sisters live in the other side of the country. So it’s just me.
It does add a different flavor to things. A lot of resentment (towards my sisters/the girlfriend), guilt (‘he’s my father, how can I be so selfish?’), rage (that he is the way he is and thus has no friends/support system whatsoever). I could go on.
He and I had an argument about this card (insurance?) in his wallet. He frustrated with my questions about it, his excuse that his girlfriend took care of ‘that stuff’ so what did he know. Me frustrated because how the hell am I supposed to know anything, without at least asking questions of him. I don’t know about ‘that stuff’ either.
His therapist told me to back off a little, let him take control, what’s the worst that could happen (I guess he’s been complaining). I said ‘what’s the worst that could happen? Um… he could run out of insulin? He could fail to see his cardiologist when he should? He could lose the lab requisition or throw it? He could make an appt with a Dr without considering whether or not I can take him since he didn’t coordinate with me and I have a job?…)
Anything he screws up, I’ll have to jump in, no?
While I enjoyed a lot of this conversation, I am beginning to feel uncomfortable with how centered parenting of non-disabled biological children is becoming in the word and concept of "care." It's important that "caregiving" is an umbrella that can provide allyship between parenthood and other care roles, but continuing to center the struggles of married moms with abled children is perpetuating the invisibility of the rest of care, rather than revealing it.
I honestly do not like lumping the care of children with elder adults. It’s so different. It’s not remotely the same. I work full time, have a 7 year old son, AND help care for my mother in law. I don’t know but it feels like whoever lumps it all together just doesn’t get how different this is. Especially with elder parents, there is an element of grief. But sure, yeah I’m taking off work to take the kid or an adult to the doctor - sort of the same, but 100% not. So let’s call it all care.
Honestly, I think it's mostly a savvy political organizing tactic, to borrow the political power (and energy!) of traditional parents in order to lobby and advocate for caregivers at large - but it is having the slightly alienating effect of collapsing a lot of our needs into "paid caregiving" which yes, everyone should have. My family has access to almost round the clock caregivers who also do housekeeping - if I was a parent to abled kids, that would be literally transformative, like Chrissy Tiegen level capacity. As a solo caregiver to two disabled adults who aren't sick, that takes me out of constant crisis, but the list of things I need to be able to access any joy or meaning in this is much much longer.
I haven't had to do elder caregiving but yes, they feel very different.
I understand -- there are risks to talking about care as one thing, and risks to not talking about it that way. I have stories of parents who care for disabled children in the book, as well many other types of care stories -- so it's not just my personal experience FWIW. Also, I really love the work of Jessica Patay and Kelley Colman who are parents of disabled children and I want to spread the word about their books, which are wonderful. As are they! https://www.wearebravetogether.org/ https://www.kelleycoleman.com/
Strongly agree. I am not a mother but was my recently passed elderly fathers main family caregiver for the last several years of his life. I am now seeing my stepfather and mother requiring similar care soon. As others in this thread have pointed out, the experience of eldercare is radically different and caregiving conversations dominated by caring for small children often feels very different for many reasons.
Agreed.
Thanks for this interview and book rec!
What I experience in “the culture” is more broadly a deep resentment and antagonism to obligation to anyone other than the self. And finding meaning as a culture/species in caring for others is very very hard when it has to first meet the requirement that it is providing something wanted/desired for the self right here on earth now.
Interesting stuff.
I am Gen X and have SO MANY friends who are currently caregiving for their parents (and sometimes their kids). Two of my close friends have completely disrupted their careers and another is currently taking a leave of absence from her job as a CEO. I definitely see some patterns in this: two of them are Asian and say their culture factors into it. One, in fact, has a father who is capable of taking care of the mother but...just won't. And the parents live in a rural town and they tell me there are no caregivers for hire there. That seems odd to me but I don't see why they'd lie.
The other friend is white, but she is the only unmarried daughter out of all her sisters so it falls on her. It seems to have completely undermined her financial stability, too.
And my teenager would LOVE to babysit, but no one will hire her. In my area, it seems like parents only want babysitters who are middle-aged women who work as nannies. I hired teens to babysit my daughter after school when I worked and I feel like she loved knowing older girls who were doing things like buying prom dresses and figuring out the world.
I once hired a 13-year-old to walk her 4 blocks home from pre-K and hang out with her for an hour until we got home and her school acted like I had hired a serial killer. I had to sign a WAIVER beyond the typical one to let this occur. It was insane and, to be frank, a bit insulting like I couldn't make good parenting decisions.
We LOVE our rotation of teenage babysitters. My neighbor definitely did think I was nuts when I told her we’d started occasionally leaving our baby with a babysitter at around 6 months old. And she definitely thought I was even more nuts when I told her the babysitter was a 15 year old neighborhood girl who we’d met 2 weeks prior. But I literally feel like finding a few local teenage babysitters who we like and trust is the best decision we’ve made for our family since the baby was born. Teenage babysitters are out here doing God’s work and I will absolutely die on that hill.
I love my daughter’s teenage babysitters and so does she! I feel like I got lucky in finding them though (they’re my friend’s teenage daughter and her best friend), I wouldn’t know where to find other teen babysitters. I’m thinking it’s easier if you are part of a church or other community group with a lot of people of different ages.
I loved this. We pay so much for care -- literally and emotionally -- that we're usually left with no space to think about what else it might look like. But if care, as opposed to individuality/independence, could be the basis of our systems, think of how much could change!
yes! there are so many economists, philosophers, theologians etc. trying to do just this...but, are they being listened to enough? I personally don't think so....but I'm trying to shine the light!
You ARE shining the light! I'm writing an essay right now about the downsides of "aging in place" as policy, and one of the eldercare specialists I read, Ashton Applewhite, said something amazing: they want to eliminate the word "independence" from all discussions of aging, because it reinforces personal responsibility, when really;y we should be thinking about more communitarian models of care.
I love this discussion! I was a summer nanny between high school and college. I had previously envisioned myself as a stay-at-home-mom until that summer taught me that no matter how cute the kids were, I was not going to want to watch kids full time. Alternatively, my sister started out college having a little bit of a hard time “finding herself” until she stumbled upon a part-time job providing respite care for an adult man with low-functioning autism. That job was absolutely transformational for her — she found so much purpose and meaning in it, and it really leveled her up into a truer version of herself. It also paid well, which I think taught all of us around her to start properly valuing care work. I sometimes think about how the world would be different if young people were encouraged to do care work as often as they are encouraged to do, say, a study abroad.
The closest I've come in some time to someone else verbalising what feels like my personal manifesto! I feel very 'seen'. Thank you, Elissa (and than you AHP for making the space) - haven't checked UK availability but I will be seeking this out ASAP.
ah, thank you! if you do get around to reading it, please reach out and let me know what you think. What I want more than anything is to inspire a richer conversation about care...and I certainly do not have all the answers myself.
Such a thought-provoking read! I'm chewing on the idea of care as a set of valuable skills that improve both ourselves and others in arenas outside of caregiving: "Care is also what shaped us for the better, and made us more empathetic, relational and willing to accept that humans are needy, vulnerable, fragile and dependent beings. Men could have used more of this type of cultivation." This shows up a lot as a professor -- there's a lot of handwringing from my middle-aged male colleagues about how 'needy' college students have become, and a real resistance to "meeting students where they are", like this is somehow a lowering of 'meritocratic' 'standards' (ooh my scare-quote fingers are getting a workout today).
I think they want to go back to the semi-mythical days when we would just dump knowledge into compliant full-time students whose only job was to study and learn from experts, but that's just not all that is asked of us any more as educators and I don't actually think that's a bad thing. I find that since becoming a parent I'm actually so much better at setting gentle-but-firm expectations with my college students (I hope they don't realize how similarly I sometimes talk to them and to my 5-year old! But it works!) and I'm much looser about deadlines, punctuality, absences, etc. since the pandemic made us all realize that while everyone is working hard, some folks' lives are wildly more complex than others. I give a lot of grace and rarely feel like it is being taken advantage of, and to me this feels like the biggest avenue where care has informed pedagogy in a positive way.
(of course, the fact that it's my female colleagues who have implemented these practices and my male colleagues who have dug in their heels is a whole different conversation...)
"I got these ideas from the broader culture in which motherhood was generally seen as only creatively or intellectually worthy when it was paired with ambivalence, suspicion or rejection."
-- It is so fascinating to me to hear about experienced like this. I grew up in the extreme right, where motherhood was presented as the only option. You were supposed to quit your job when you got married because only bad moms worked, used daycare, or hired nannies.
I appreciate the discussion about separating care from patriarchy, because I definitely experience and perceive intense caregiving as oppression -- on the extreme right, that's often what it is.
I look forward to reading this book!
I appreciated this, thank you. I'm a Millennial mother to four young children (six and under), and motherhood has always been my dream. Previous to becoming a stay-at-home-mom, I had a career in photography with some occasional writing on the side. Personally I've found that it has been relatively easy to merge my hobbies and interests from my before motherhood life into motherhood. Motherhood is so inspiring, it is the pinnacle-- my children and caring for them inspires me and gives me so much purpose. I've never understood the way I hear society discuss care work, because I find deep meaning in it.
Like others who have commented here, I have never felt conflicted about caretaking. Many of the same traits and skills come forward in care-taking and the trouble-shooting that involves, the listening, the compromises, the patience, are the same upon which I have drawn in my work outside of the care-taking dimensions. There may be generational or cultural underpinnings in how we feel about being both a caretaking person and someone who does ostensibly separate work in the world beyond the home.
It is important to respect the fact that we bring different feelings and resources to caring, and what may feel threatening to one person just doesn't to another. I agree too that caring of able-bodied children is very different in many ways from caring for elder adults or for chronically sick or disabled people. If you are taking care of a very disabled child, a mentally ill person of any age, or an aging parent with health issues or dementia, please know that you are seen. I know all these aspects of caring intimately, and I, for one, see you.
One thing that has bothered me is when people have looked at the hand I have been dealt and sympathize with me using words like tragedy and grief. I feel with a whole heart but feel neither of these things.
On the other hand I do think there is some tragedy when people walk away from those with complex care-taking responsibilities because it makes their lives easier to look the other way.
I love this -- thanks for sharing. I think people still so easily slot care into either the fairy tale or nightmare/ tragedy narrative...when most of us know it is WAY more complicated than that. It's not happily ever after, or the beginning of the end. It's a crazy fleshy wild sometimes maddening sometimes transcendent journey (all in different proportions for different people) that needs to be acknowledged!