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Erica's avatar

Thank you for covering this topic. One thing I’ll add: It’s also OK to not be friends with your ex. I think the “we consciously uncoupled and still enjoy holidays together” narrative has been idealized. I’m divorcing my husband after discovering his double life as a longtime serial cheater. He was my best friend and now he’s shown himself to be the worst friend I’ve ever had. We are cordial and cooperative for the sake of our daughter, but otherwise breaking contact with him has been the best thing for my mental health.

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Kelly's avatar

I'm so glad we're having this conversation! I think so much of the discussion re: divorce + kids is related to the potentially negative impacts on children, which I get, but there are also potential positives as well. My parents had a terrible marriage and my father was also the worst but my mom never considered leaving because she was raised to believe that was something that religious people didn't do. I remember as soon as I learned about divorce (thanks Babysitter's Club!) thinking that there was this miraculous option that my mom had but she would never talk about? I expressed to her many times in high school and college that I would take dramatically reduced circumstances with her and my sister any day over persisting in the environment my dad created, but without something like abuse or infidelity to point to, it was like her brain couldn't fathom it. . They finally did divorce almost 30 years of marriage when she learned that there actually had been infidelity, and after the devastation it was like a whole new world opened for her. But by then my sister and I were both out of the house and I couldn't help thinking how different things might have been for us if my mom had left sooner. She was definitely raised to believe that marriage = stability = good for kids, but never examined whether that was actually true in our house. Obviously this is likely more straightforward when one person in the marriage is clearly toxic, but I just wanted to put out there that sometimes! Divorce is something that kids might welcome with open arms.

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