Thank you for covering this topic. One thing I’ll add: It’s also OK to not be friends with your ex. I think the “we consciously uncoupled and still enjoy holidays together” narrative has been idealized. I’m divorcing my husband after discovering his double life as a longtime serial cheater. He was my best friend and now he’s shown himself to be the worst friend I’ve ever had. We are cordial and cooperative for the sake of our daughter, but otherwise breaking contact with him has been the best thing for my mental health.
Totally agree!! And it also extends to being OK to cut ties with other family members or friends. It’s all OK basically as long as it’s for your own well-being, you don’t even need to justify yourself to anyone.
I'm so glad we're having this conversation! I think so much of the discussion re: divorce + kids is related to the potentially negative impacts on children, which I get, but there are also potential positives as well. My parents had a terrible marriage and my father was also the worst but my mom never considered leaving because she was raised to believe that was something that religious people didn't do. I remember as soon as I learned about divorce (thanks Babysitter's Club!) thinking that there was this miraculous option that my mom had but she would never talk about? I expressed to her many times in high school and college that I would take dramatically reduced circumstances with her and my sister any day over persisting in the environment my dad created, but without something like abuse or infidelity to point to, it was like her brain couldn't fathom it. . They finally did divorce almost 30 years of marriage when she learned that there actually had been infidelity, and after the devastation it was like a whole new world opened for her. But by then my sister and I were both out of the house and I couldn't help thinking how different things might have been for us if my mom had left sooner. She was definitely raised to believe that marriage = stability = good for kids, but never examined whether that was actually true in our house. Obviously this is likely more straightforward when one person in the marriage is clearly toxic, but I just wanted to put out there that sometimes! Divorce is something that kids might welcome with open arms.
Yes I was happy when my parents got divorced that my mom would no longer act unhappy all the time and that they wouldn’t fight! It wasn’t all sunshine and roses after but my mom found herself relatively early in life after divorce and she’s never looked back.
Even as a child I could see that my parents were not a good match. My dad was also abusive toward me, my brother, and my sister, and my parents fought so much. I remember there was a time when my mom had to explain to us what divorce was and that my parents might be going through one. I was only about eight years old at the time, but even then, I was pretty happy about the prospect. Sadly, my parents are still together, and while they did have happy times, I think getting a divorce would have forced my mom to grow in so many different ways.
Such an important topic. My advice, as a long divorced and (happily) never remarried person, is always to figure out your shit before jumping into another relationship. And I don’t mean that in an airy, “decorate how you want and discover what you like and learn to love yourself” way, although that’s important too. I mean, do the deep work that allows you to figure out what your patterns are, what your broken bits are that cause you to find corresponding (or clashing) broken bits in your partner. Because humans love patterns, and you are guaranteed to repeat your relationship in one form or another until you figure it out. Being single isn’t a punishment or something to fix. Relax into it and roll up your sleeves.
I agree as well. I spent a solid 18 months between when I left and when I started to date again and (while at times brutal) it was such a great investment.
Really interesting perspectives here. I am 8 years out from a high-conflict divorce from a man who cut off contact (other than Talking Parents) immediately following the separation, started dating his intern, and 3 years later instigated a highly traumatic custody battle over our kids, at the behest of said intern. I have been progressively more financially unstable over the course of those 8 years, mostly due to the custody battle & subsequent health battles. It has been horrifically hard. I just wish someone had warned me that even my mild-mannered Engineer husband could turn into a nightmare co-parent...I really had NO idea any of this was coming. It has been incredibly lonely, difficult, and frustrating.
My advice is to get yourself as financially stable as possible before you leave. Take your time and make a plan. Do not assume things will go well or that your ex will not make relationship decisions that negatively affect you/your finances/the kids. Get a therapist or coach that you trust, reallllly trust, to help you find the core of strength within you. DON’T follow the advice of friends who have no experience navigating these things. If you have to deal with legal stuff, be suuuuuper picky about which lawyer you get to help you. If necessary, call Legal Aid for help.
Above all, I would say try everything you can before you leave. Then at least you can have the peace & integrity of knowing you did your absolute best. I sometimes wish I had tried ONE more time...if anything so we could have parted on better terms. And yes, it will be very hard on your kids, depending on their age and personalities. My kids are so much upset at the divorce as the high-conflict nature of the co-parenting. If your partner is emotionally stuck or immature this will most likely continue to affect your co-parenting after the divorce.
Thanks everyone. I'm on the other side of a difficult separation and divorce, trying to figure out how to reparent myself, be in better relationship with my new + wonderful partner, and survive coparenting. Very grateful to this whole community for showing up.
My parents separated when I was in 13, and my brothers 12 and 17. Due to high rent costs they continued to live together for about a year, which made the custody split confusing for us kids (there was a schedule on the fridge of whose night/morning was whose, for meal-making purposes, etc). But I think they did a great job, and aside from a bit of hassle needing two of every textbook, it was great when they started living separately. They did keep any conflict away from us, and made it very clear that the divorce was not our fault. I know now that my mom was very hurt in the process but she didn't "turn us against our dad" or anything like that. She has shared her experience with me more now that I am older and can hold space for her. For anyone worrying about the impact on their children, I wasn't really upset by it at all. I still felt loved by both parents and did not hear them fighting or talking badly about each other (I think if I had it would have been different).
Thank you for covering this topic. One thing I’ll add: It’s also OK to not be friends with your ex. I think the “we consciously uncoupled and still enjoy holidays together” narrative has been idealized. I’m divorcing my husband after discovering his double life as a longtime serial cheater. He was my best friend and now he’s shown himself to be the worst friend I’ve ever had. We are cordial and cooperative for the sake of our daughter, but otherwise breaking contact with him has been the best thing for my mental health.
Totally agree!! And it also extends to being OK to cut ties with other family members or friends. It’s all OK basically as long as it’s for your own well-being, you don’t even need to justify yourself to anyone.
I'm so glad we're having this conversation! I think so much of the discussion re: divorce + kids is related to the potentially negative impacts on children, which I get, but there are also potential positives as well. My parents had a terrible marriage and my father was also the worst but my mom never considered leaving because she was raised to believe that was something that religious people didn't do. I remember as soon as I learned about divorce (thanks Babysitter's Club!) thinking that there was this miraculous option that my mom had but she would never talk about? I expressed to her many times in high school and college that I would take dramatically reduced circumstances with her and my sister any day over persisting in the environment my dad created, but without something like abuse or infidelity to point to, it was like her brain couldn't fathom it. . They finally did divorce almost 30 years of marriage when she learned that there actually had been infidelity, and after the devastation it was like a whole new world opened for her. But by then my sister and I were both out of the house and I couldn't help thinking how different things might have been for us if my mom had left sooner. She was definitely raised to believe that marriage = stability = good for kids, but never examined whether that was actually true in our house. Obviously this is likely more straightforward when one person in the marriage is clearly toxic, but I just wanted to put out there that sometimes! Divorce is something that kids might welcome with open arms.
Yes I was happy when my parents got divorced that my mom would no longer act unhappy all the time and that they wouldn’t fight! It wasn’t all sunshine and roses after but my mom found herself relatively early in life after divorce and she’s never looked back.
Even as a child I could see that my parents were not a good match. My dad was also abusive toward me, my brother, and my sister, and my parents fought so much. I remember there was a time when my mom had to explain to us what divorce was and that my parents might be going through one. I was only about eight years old at the time, but even then, I was pretty happy about the prospect. Sadly, my parents are still together, and while they did have happy times, I think getting a divorce would have forced my mom to grow in so many different ways.
Such an important topic. My advice, as a long divorced and (happily) never remarried person, is always to figure out your shit before jumping into another relationship. And I don’t mean that in an airy, “decorate how you want and discover what you like and learn to love yourself” way, although that’s important too. I mean, do the deep work that allows you to figure out what your patterns are, what your broken bits are that cause you to find corresponding (or clashing) broken bits in your partner. Because humans love patterns, and you are guaranteed to repeat your relationship in one form or another until you figure it out. Being single isn’t a punishment or something to fix. Relax into it and roll up your sleeves.
I agree as well. I spent a solid 18 months between when I left and when I started to date again and (while at times brutal) it was such a great investment.
I'm a happily remarried person, and I wholeheartedly agree with this.
Really interesting perspectives here. I am 8 years out from a high-conflict divorce from a man who cut off contact (other than Talking Parents) immediately following the separation, started dating his intern, and 3 years later instigated a highly traumatic custody battle over our kids, at the behest of said intern. I have been progressively more financially unstable over the course of those 8 years, mostly due to the custody battle & subsequent health battles. It has been horrifically hard. I just wish someone had warned me that even my mild-mannered Engineer husband could turn into a nightmare co-parent...I really had NO idea any of this was coming. It has been incredibly lonely, difficult, and frustrating.
My advice is to get yourself as financially stable as possible before you leave. Take your time and make a plan. Do not assume things will go well or that your ex will not make relationship decisions that negatively affect you/your finances/the kids. Get a therapist or coach that you trust, reallllly trust, to help you find the core of strength within you. DON’T follow the advice of friends who have no experience navigating these things. If you have to deal with legal stuff, be suuuuuper picky about which lawyer you get to help you. If necessary, call Legal Aid for help.
Above all, I would say try everything you can before you leave. Then at least you can have the peace & integrity of knowing you did your absolute best. I sometimes wish I had tried ONE more time...if anything so we could have parted on better terms. And yes, it will be very hard on your kids, depending on their age and personalities. My kids are so much upset at the divorce as the high-conflict nature of the co-parenting. If your partner is emotionally stuck or immature this will most likely continue to affect your co-parenting after the divorce.
Thanks everyone. I'm on the other side of a difficult separation and divorce, trying to figure out how to reparent myself, be in better relationship with my new + wonderful partner, and survive coparenting. Very grateful to this whole community for showing up.
My parents separated when I was in 13, and my brothers 12 and 17. Due to high rent costs they continued to live together for about a year, which made the custody split confusing for us kids (there was a schedule on the fridge of whose night/morning was whose, for meal-making purposes, etc). But I think they did a great job, and aside from a bit of hassle needing two of every textbook, it was great when they started living separately. They did keep any conflict away from us, and made it very clear that the divorce was not our fault. I know now that my mom was very hurt in the process but she didn't "turn us against our dad" or anything like that. She has shared her experience with me more now that I am older and can hold space for her. For anyone worrying about the impact on their children, I wasn't really upset by it at all. I still felt loved by both parents and did not hear them fighting or talking badly about each other (I think if I had it would have been different).
Thanks for this, AHP and everyone who wrote in or responded. It sucks that the topic is taboo considering that 50% of marriages end in divorce