"It also takes just as much work to become friends with yourself. But I have also seen the alternative, and I know you have as well: a sour life, structured by resentment and regret." That honestly brought me to tears. The system we live in leaves so little room for choice, it's good to be reminded to take them where we can, that life is meant to be joyful and we have a right to try to make it so.
That quote stood out to me too. I think resentment is one of the most challenging (and painful) feelings to deal with. If you know and like who you are — because you did the work to make friends with yourself — you'll be more likely to spend time working on relationships that are healthy and meaningful. You'll be less likely to live a "sour life." But as you said, so many people have little room for choice. It's understandable how people get "stuck" with those feelings for years and years. And everyone knows someone in that situation.
When Anne posted the call out for things we had done alone, I couldn't think of anything significant to share. But while reading today, I realized I needed to give myself credit for the list of things I've done alone. I saw the cliff divers of Acapulco alone. I've scoured every corner of the Metropolitan Museum of Art alone. Stayed in hotels. Traveled by train. I've been trying to remember who I used to be before the pandemic. Thank you, Anne, for the desperately needed reminder.
This is a really lovely piece, thank you. And you're right about chosen vs. unchosen solitude. I've done everything alone for many years now, and I'm pretty tired of it — people push me to travel alone, move to a new city alone, I've done all that — a lot. It's hard to still be learning why I felt the need to break off or avoid intimate and important relationships. I'm an introvert by nature, but not a hermit. And how I wish I'd had a mother to whom I could say "I need alone time." I did not have that. I remember when "introvert" entered the mainstream conversation in the early aughts, with an article in The Atlantic called "Caring for Your Introvert." I was delighted to discover that this was a normal framework and it was okay. I excitedly called one of my brothers and said, hey, I'm an introvert, this sounds like me! And his response was "Really? We all thought you were just a bitch." I've never forgotten it.
That reframing!!! (Even as a young child, probably around 7 or 8, I knew the word 'introvert' and that it was what I was — you're right, it was so valuable for me to have that understanding of myself)
yes! I was already over 40 when that term, with an explanation other than the misguided "shy" label, really entered the culture. That's a lot of years of absorbing judgements ("You must need antidepressants! We insist!!). Men could be mysterious and reserved, and only more enticing for it, but for a woman it was scary, maybe a failure to serve up the constant entertainment that people expected.
Holy crap that last line. I can't imagine I would ever forget a response like that either. I wasn't "allowed" to be anything at all in childhood, so I can really relate to that sting. I'm so sorry you have that memory to carry around with you.
When that essay came out, I sent it to my sisters and said, “Doesn’t this describe us perfectly?” and they said, “It describes YOU perfectly.” I still send it to people regularly. It was such a relief to have a way to understand and be understood!
Agree, it was kind of a mind-blowing essay for me at the time - finally a framework that made sense! Still one of the very best things that's been written, I think, about the introvert experience.
this post made me decide I need to learn how to drive. the idea of having the option to drive myself somewhere, anywhere I want, with no accountability to others... it sounds beautiful. I never learned because my relationship with my mom was rocky during the normal learning period, and I live in an area with good public transit, so I could get by. but I own a car now that my partner drives and I wish I could drive myself too.
Love this. Love doing shit alone. When I married my husband Ben, I told him one of the most important things to me was that every year, in perpetuity, we needed to go on trips alone — and that didn't include trips we went on with friends without each other. I love being in my own company so much, and that was a non-negotiable for me.
I've skied alone quite a bit; here's an old story. I had a long layover in Dubai on a sweltering June day, so I went skiing. In a mall. As mall skiing goes, it's pretty good: 200 feet of vertical, decent snow, maybe 28F. You rent ski suits with the other gear, so everyone looks alike. 'Everyone' was mostly groups of laughing (and falling) Arab teenagers. I did notice a couple of old white guys, who seemed to know how to ski, and I timed it so I ended up riding the lift and skiing with them a few runs. Norwegians. After skiing our fill, and after the sun was low enough to go outside, we went for dinner and drinks. They were both insistent that I visit their cabins in fjords, and while I haven't yet, the thought continues to appeal.
I too did not start doing public things alone until college—I spent a semester in New York City and halfway through the semester realized I'd barely explored the city because I was always waiting around for others to be free at the same time and want to go to the same places.
I first started skiing alone when I lived vanlife (buslife, actually) for a few years and spent a huge majority of my time alone for almost 3 years.
Now, I live in the mountains and cohabitate with my partner and have found myself skiing alone far less than I did in years past. Just this week, I started prioritizing skiing alone again and have been getting up early before work to go to my local hill for an hour or two before the spring break crowds descend. The glory of a mostly-empty mountain, the quiet of the early morning, the joy of going really fucking fast as you say, the play of getting to ski wherever and however you want...it's so good. Reading your descriptions of skiing made my heart sing!
Thank you for empowering people, especially women, to do things alone if they want and to intentionally choose a life and prioritize the things they want and enjoy.
I'm a relatively new subscriber but really enjoying this corner of the internet that you've built :)
"Now I am a person who can ski — not just a run, but an entire day — alone. And that’s meaningful to me, because as I age, I want to continue to be a person who does the things she wants to do, even and especially if no one will do them with me."
I picked up my high school delight of running again at age 51 and for the next six years ran more or less alone. When we moved here a year ago, I picked up with the Evanston Running Club and boy, was that an upgrade. It's not that I don't enjoy running alone (and frankly, my workouts are often so idiosyncratic that some days I absolutely must run alone), but integrating this solitary practice into the shared joy/suffering of a group has been a revelation.
The part you quoted resonated with me, too. I love hiking, but my partner works away during the summer/fall and many friends are busy with little kids or schedules that don’t align. I’m slowly building a community of people who are keen for the same types of all-day adventures that I crave, but last summer I also started going on my own (plus a dog). It was such a good feeling to sit at the top of a ridge and swim in a lake and know that I trusted myself enough to do it alone. I’m excited for more days in the mountains with friends this year, but also for some solo time. Mountain summers are short and I want to make the most of them!
Both of these comments bring in another important dynamic for me. I love hiking alone--a lot!--but I live in grizzly bear and mountain lion country and it is pretty unwise to venture up some of my favorite trails by myself. Then it becomes not just finding people to go with, but finding people I like and who hike well together. It’s hard to share your favorite alone things, but if you have to do it it’s nice to know there are people to share with whose company you enjoy.
(Part of this caution is for the animals’ own protection. Whenever a human is attacked, the individual animals are at risk and I don’t want to contribute to that.)
Something I cut from the section on living in Wyoming was my sadness that I couldn't hike alone because of the bears! (It was fine in the park, but the park was an hour's drive away)
I’ll never forget going with Jerry Reichert on one of his walks in the woods and spotting a bear in the distance. The danger turned out to be at the level of Jim Gaffigan’s bear experience lol … but you never forget the feeling of those evolutionary juices pulsing through you like liquid Benadryl.
This resonates for me, too—I'm in similar country. So far I've specifically chosen solo weekend hikes in areas that are typically somewhat popular, so there's a higher chance of having others around, if not within sight. I also talk loudly to my dog, keep her close, etc., and my head is always on a swivel. But it's definitely a complicating factor, and like you said, it makes it tougher to get out to certain favourites!
I am lucky to have a partner that encourages solo time. Yet I’m tormented by the shitstorm (perceived or actual) that awaits when I return and an uncharacteristic, bewildered dog-circling-bed anxiety in the moment: Who am I? When do I like to eat? Exercise? Do I even LIKE yogurt??
Starting with an activity or time away from a group activity is really, really good advice.
I don't remember if I commented on last week's conversation or not, but it did inspire me to book a solo weekend trip for myself for the first time in five years to NYC! The hardest thing for me is that I feel guilty taking time for myself because time is so limited and precious - I want to spend as much time with family and friends as possible - but I often forget that it's important to become friends with myself, too!!!
I entered foster care alone. I went to church alone. I went to college alone. I moved to a new city alone. I hated those experiences, but I am so, so thankful I did them. I just turned 27, and now I am thinking of how I can return to doing new, hard things alone!
I love this piece. I was planning my first big post divorce solo trip when the pandemic derailed my plans. I’ve been really cautious about Covid, but I’ve been thinking about taking the trip this fall. I’ve been hesitating though, partly because of Covid and partly because of my anxiety and worrying about handling things on my own. This post really resonated with me and may be the push I need to finally book my trip! I also really relate to what another commenter said about trying to remember who I was before the pandemic. I used to be pretty independent and do things alone all the time, but I feel like the past few years of staying home my anxiety has increased and the image I have of myself has changed. I’m trying to slowly get back out there and start doing things again.
I would be interested in reading something about whether it's possible for the Covid-cautious to travel safely. I've been extremely careful (I finally got it last year from my husband after he came home from a solo trip to Chicago, speaking of doing things alone...) and still feel more comfortable being masked indoors & eating outdoors, things that seem easier to do in my little Bay Area bubble than in other parts of the country/world.
I think it just depends on the season! When I was in Paris last June, I ate outside for every meal and masked in all the indoor museums (about half the people inside them did as well).
I guess I've been frightened by those viral Twitter threads about people being offered money to take their masks off on airplanes! Glad to hear you had a positive experience. I would love to go back to Paris someday.
What!!!!! That is wild!!! I have worn my mask throughout so many flights (briefly taking off to eat while in air when the air filtration is really doing its thing) and have never had anyone say anything about it, other than grateful looks from other fellow-masking passengers.
I’m planning on masking as much as possible indoors and eating outdoors when possible. If it’s not possible to eat outdoors, I guess I’ll try to eat at an off time that’s less crowded and try not to sit near other people. I worry about the plane though - at some point during a long flight I will need to eat. It’s hard, I live in the Boston area and a lot of my friends are still pretty cautious also so I know what you mean about being in a bubble!
I flew to Paris in January -- I just didn't eat during the flights/in the airport, I took my mask off for quick drinks a handful of times and that's it. I actually ate indoors 4 or 5 times in sometimes-crowded restaurants while there because they were places that didn't have outdoor options and they were favorite places of mine, but otherwise sat outside at cafes and masked on public transit and in crowded indoor places (museums: yes, empty hotel hallways or uncrowded grocery stores: no) and did not get sick. FWIW
As an addendum, it's amazing what things you can weed out when you start asking "am I doing this because I derive enjoyment from it, or am I doing this to show people that I'm doing it?"
Thank you so much for this reminder of how much freedom there is in choosing our life, regardless of whether someone comes with us or not. I love choosing my movie / show etc without considering others and haven't done it for TOO long. This was the post that led me to subscribe & I look forward to hanging out here more 😊🙏🏻
I crave being alone with myself, as the partner of an extrovert and the parent of two extroverts, my solitude is rare. I try to claim it in small ways-- I'll do groceries with earbuds in, I'll take the dog to sniffspots on my own, I'll announce I'm taking a drive and tool around the backroads of the foothills and listen to whatever I want while my mind wanders. I've done hotel weekends alone, I've done day trips through the Cascades or to the Tulip Festival by myself, but it always feels like "I want to be alone" is received by my family as "I don't want to be around you". I DO want to be around my family, but nobody is going to enjoy visiting 10,000 tulips with me except for me. Nobody wants to stop and read all the roadside geologic history signs except for me. When I'm by myself I can do all the weird little things that I love-- listening to a podcast about planners, browsing the romance section at a used bookstore, trying to collect passport stamps from all the lodges in my local national park.
I recently bought a new car and wanted to take it out for a long drive. There are days when I drive into work, and I see the Olympics across the water, and I have the urge to just call out last minute, catch a ferry, and see where the road takes me. Yesterday, I planned to do that-- drive out that way, tool around, come home. But my husband was able to take the day off and offered to come with me, and then I feel like an asshole saying no. We had a great time, but man, if I'd been by myself, I would have taken a different route, I would have gotten home later, I would have eaten somewhere else.
This speaks to me so much. The pandemic and having a remote, time-consuming job has made me into a bit of a hermit. My husband complains that we don’t do enough things together anymore. I’m tired on weekends, so I really only have the energy to do one outing. And I feel this pressure to include him, even if it’s just running errands or buying groceries or going for a walk down the road. I rarely get the chance to just daydream while driving or quietly watch people while eating lunch somewhere. He’s willing to go anywhere I want, so I can’t use the excuse that it’s something only I would like. He also works only part-time, so he has far more leisure time than me and does lots of things without me (like overnight ski trips). I’m at a loss for how to get out the house more on my own, with the energy levels that I have, while nurturing my marriage as well. Hopefully as spring arrives I will find the energy to do more small outings on my own while also spending time with my husband.
I try to spend my evenings with him— even if we are just sitting in the same room doing different things. I am vocal about loving him and making sure there’s a lot of small touches and reassurance that I care. I’ve also worked on being explicit that I need time alone— yesterday I took a two hour bath in the middle of the afternoon, and didn’t get out until I felt like it. I then spent the evening happily social, but I had pre-charged by reading romance in the tub.
The timing of this post is great. Next week is my employer's spring break, while my spouse is working and kid is in daycare. My plan already had been a nebulous "rediscover what I like to do" and now I feel even more empowered to do it on my own
"It also takes just as much work to become friends with yourself. But I have also seen the alternative, and I know you have as well: a sour life, structured by resentment and regret." That honestly brought me to tears. The system we live in leaves so little room for choice, it's good to be reminded to take them where we can, that life is meant to be joyful and we have a right to try to make it so.
That quote stood out to me too. I think resentment is one of the most challenging (and painful) feelings to deal with. If you know and like who you are — because you did the work to make friends with yourself — you'll be more likely to spend time working on relationships that are healthy and meaningful. You'll be less likely to live a "sour life." But as you said, so many people have little room for choice. It's understandable how people get "stuck" with those feelings for years and years. And everyone knows someone in that situation.
Yes. 100%.
Yes!
🧡🧡🧡
When Anne posted the call out for things we had done alone, I couldn't think of anything significant to share. But while reading today, I realized I needed to give myself credit for the list of things I've done alone. I saw the cliff divers of Acapulco alone. I've scoured every corner of the Metropolitan Museum of Art alone. Stayed in hotels. Traveled by train. I've been trying to remember who I used to be before the pandemic. Thank you, Anne, for the desperately needed reminder.
This is a really lovely piece, thank you. And you're right about chosen vs. unchosen solitude. I've done everything alone for many years now, and I'm pretty tired of it — people push me to travel alone, move to a new city alone, I've done all that — a lot. It's hard to still be learning why I felt the need to break off or avoid intimate and important relationships. I'm an introvert by nature, but not a hermit. And how I wish I'd had a mother to whom I could say "I need alone time." I did not have that. I remember when "introvert" entered the mainstream conversation in the early aughts, with an article in The Atlantic called "Caring for Your Introvert." I was delighted to discover that this was a normal framework and it was okay. I excitedly called one of my brothers and said, hey, I'm an introvert, this sounds like me! And his response was "Really? We all thought you were just a bitch." I've never forgotten it.
That reframing!!! (Even as a young child, probably around 7 or 8, I knew the word 'introvert' and that it was what I was — you're right, it was so valuable for me to have that understanding of myself)
yes! I was already over 40 when that term, with an explanation other than the misguided "shy" label, really entered the culture. That's a lot of years of absorbing judgements ("You must need antidepressants! We insist!!). Men could be mysterious and reserved, and only more enticing for it, but for a woman it was scary, maybe a failure to serve up the constant entertainment that people expected.
Holy crap that last line. I can't imagine I would ever forget a response like that either. I wasn't "allowed" to be anything at all in childhood, so I can really relate to that sting. I'm so sorry you have that memory to carry around with you.
And the same for you, Nicole - thank you for those kind words.
When that essay came out, I sent it to my sisters and said, “Doesn’t this describe us perfectly?” and they said, “It describes YOU perfectly.” I still send it to people regularly. It was such a relief to have a way to understand and be understood!
Agree, it was kind of a mind-blowing essay for me at the time - finally a framework that made sense! Still one of the very best things that's been written, I think, about the introvert experience.
SAME. Second-best thing I’ve ever seen was the cartoon comparing introverts to a hamster ball. If you haven’t seen it: https://keripeardon.wordpress.com/tag/hamster-ball-of-personal-space/
this post made me decide I need to learn how to drive. the idea of having the option to drive myself somewhere, anywhere I want, with no accountability to others... it sounds beautiful. I never learned because my relationship with my mom was rocky during the normal learning period, and I live in an area with good public transit, so I could get by. but I own a car now that my partner drives and I wish I could drive myself too.
Love this. Love doing shit alone. When I married my husband Ben, I told him one of the most important things to me was that every year, in perpetuity, we needed to go on trips alone — and that didn't include trips we went on with friends without each other. I love being in my own company so much, and that was a non-negotiable for me.
I've skied alone quite a bit; here's an old story. I had a long layover in Dubai on a sweltering June day, so I went skiing. In a mall. As mall skiing goes, it's pretty good: 200 feet of vertical, decent snow, maybe 28F. You rent ski suits with the other gear, so everyone looks alike. 'Everyone' was mostly groups of laughing (and falling) Arab teenagers. I did notice a couple of old white guys, who seemed to know how to ski, and I timed it so I ended up riding the lift and skiing with them a few runs. Norwegians. After skiing our fill, and after the sun was low enough to go outside, we went for dinner and drinks. They were both insistent that I visit their cabins in fjords, and while I haven't yet, the thought continues to appeal.
This is a very Charley story!
I relate to this essay so much.
I too did not start doing public things alone until college—I spent a semester in New York City and halfway through the semester realized I'd barely explored the city because I was always waiting around for others to be free at the same time and want to go to the same places.
I first started skiing alone when I lived vanlife (buslife, actually) for a few years and spent a huge majority of my time alone for almost 3 years.
Now, I live in the mountains and cohabitate with my partner and have found myself skiing alone far less than I did in years past. Just this week, I started prioritizing skiing alone again and have been getting up early before work to go to my local hill for an hour or two before the spring break crowds descend. The glory of a mostly-empty mountain, the quiet of the early morning, the joy of going really fucking fast as you say, the play of getting to ski wherever and however you want...it's so good. Reading your descriptions of skiing made my heart sing!
Thank you for empowering people, especially women, to do things alone if they want and to intentionally choose a life and prioritize the things they want and enjoy.
I'm a relatively new subscriber but really enjoying this corner of the internet that you've built :)
I love that the first thing this description made me want to do is ski together! (And then we can go ski alone again, lol)
Yes!! That's exactly what your newsletter made me want to do. I didn't go today and I'm itching to get out there!
Nice new logo!! Re this,
"Now I am a person who can ski — not just a run, but an entire day — alone. And that’s meaningful to me, because as I age, I want to continue to be a person who does the things she wants to do, even and especially if no one will do them with me."
I picked up my high school delight of running again at age 51 and for the next six years ran more or less alone. When we moved here a year ago, I picked up with the Evanston Running Club and boy, was that an upgrade. It's not that I don't enjoy running alone (and frankly, my workouts are often so idiosyncratic that some days I absolutely must run alone), but integrating this solitary practice into the shared joy/suffering of a group has been a revelation.
The part you quoted resonated with me, too. I love hiking, but my partner works away during the summer/fall and many friends are busy with little kids or schedules that don’t align. I’m slowly building a community of people who are keen for the same types of all-day adventures that I crave, but last summer I also started going on my own (plus a dog). It was such a good feeling to sit at the top of a ridge and swim in a lake and know that I trusted myself enough to do it alone. I’m excited for more days in the mountains with friends this year, but also for some solo time. Mountain summers are short and I want to make the most of them!
Both of these comments bring in another important dynamic for me. I love hiking alone--a lot!--but I live in grizzly bear and mountain lion country and it is pretty unwise to venture up some of my favorite trails by myself. Then it becomes not just finding people to go with, but finding people I like and who hike well together. It’s hard to share your favorite alone things, but if you have to do it it’s nice to know there are people to share with whose company you enjoy.
(Part of this caution is for the animals’ own protection. Whenever a human is attacked, the individual animals are at risk and I don’t want to contribute to that.)
Something I cut from the section on living in Wyoming was my sadness that I couldn't hike alone because of the bears! (It was fine in the park, but the park was an hour's drive away)
I’ll never forget going with Jerry Reichert on one of his walks in the woods and spotting a bear in the distance. The danger turned out to be at the level of Jim Gaffigan’s bear experience lol … but you never forget the feeling of those evolutionary juices pulsing through you like liquid Benadryl.
This resonates for me, too—I'm in similar country. So far I've specifically chosen solo weekend hikes in areas that are typically somewhat popular, so there's a higher chance of having others around, if not within sight. I also talk loudly to my dog, keep her close, etc., and my head is always on a swivel. But it's definitely a complicating factor, and like you said, it makes it tougher to get out to certain favourites!
I am lucky to have a partner that encourages solo time. Yet I’m tormented by the shitstorm (perceived or actual) that awaits when I return and an uncharacteristic, bewildered dog-circling-bed anxiety in the moment: Who am I? When do I like to eat? Exercise? Do I even LIKE yogurt??
Starting with an activity or time away from a group activity is really, really good advice.
“Do I even like yogurt?” Made me laugh out loud. Too real 😂
I don't remember if I commented on last week's conversation or not, but it did inspire me to book a solo weekend trip for myself for the first time in five years to NYC! The hardest thing for me is that I feel guilty taking time for myself because time is so limited and precious - I want to spend as much time with family and friends as possible - but I often forget that it's important to become friends with myself, too!!!
I entered foster care alone. I went to church alone. I went to college alone. I moved to a new city alone. I hated those experiences, but I am so, so thankful I did them. I just turned 27, and now I am thinking of how I can return to doing new, hard things alone!
I love this piece. I was planning my first big post divorce solo trip when the pandemic derailed my plans. I’ve been really cautious about Covid, but I’ve been thinking about taking the trip this fall. I’ve been hesitating though, partly because of Covid and partly because of my anxiety and worrying about handling things on my own. This post really resonated with me and may be the push I need to finally book my trip! I also really relate to what another commenter said about trying to remember who I was before the pandemic. I used to be pretty independent and do things alone all the time, but I feel like the past few years of staying home my anxiety has increased and the image I have of myself has changed. I’m trying to slowly get back out there and start doing things again.
I would be interested in reading something about whether it's possible for the Covid-cautious to travel safely. I've been extremely careful (I finally got it last year from my husband after he came home from a solo trip to Chicago, speaking of doing things alone...) and still feel more comfortable being masked indoors & eating outdoors, things that seem easier to do in my little Bay Area bubble than in other parts of the country/world.
I think it just depends on the season! When I was in Paris last June, I ate outside for every meal and masked in all the indoor museums (about half the people inside them did as well).
I guess I've been frightened by those viral Twitter threads about people being offered money to take their masks off on airplanes! Glad to hear you had a positive experience. I would love to go back to Paris someday.
What!!!!! That is wild!!! I have worn my mask throughout so many flights (briefly taking off to eat while in air when the air filtration is really doing its thing) and have never had anyone say anything about it, other than grateful looks from other fellow-masking passengers.
Here's the story I was thinking of! https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/anti-vaxxer-millionaire-delta-flight-face-mask-b2299640.html
I’m planning on masking as much as possible indoors and eating outdoors when possible. If it’s not possible to eat outdoors, I guess I’ll try to eat at an off time that’s less crowded and try not to sit near other people. I worry about the plane though - at some point during a long flight I will need to eat. It’s hard, I live in the Boston area and a lot of my friends are still pretty cautious also so I know what you mean about being in a bubble!
I flew to Paris in January -- I just didn't eat during the flights/in the airport, I took my mask off for quick drinks a handful of times and that's it. I actually ate indoors 4 or 5 times in sometimes-crowded restaurants while there because they were places that didn't have outdoor options and they were favorite places of mine, but otherwise sat outside at cafes and masked on public transit and in crowded indoor places (museums: yes, empty hotel hallways or uncrowded grocery stores: no) and did not get sick. FWIW
"spend enough time in one’s mind to recognize its actual cravings"
YUUUUPPPPP
As an addendum, it's amazing what things you can weed out when you start asking "am I doing this because I derive enjoyment from it, or am I doing this to show people that I'm doing it?"
Thank you so much for this reminder of how much freedom there is in choosing our life, regardless of whether someone comes with us or not. I love choosing my movie / show etc without considering others and haven't done it for TOO long. This was the post that led me to subscribe & I look forward to hanging out here more 😊🙏🏻
I crave being alone with myself, as the partner of an extrovert and the parent of two extroverts, my solitude is rare. I try to claim it in small ways-- I'll do groceries with earbuds in, I'll take the dog to sniffspots on my own, I'll announce I'm taking a drive and tool around the backroads of the foothills and listen to whatever I want while my mind wanders. I've done hotel weekends alone, I've done day trips through the Cascades or to the Tulip Festival by myself, but it always feels like "I want to be alone" is received by my family as "I don't want to be around you". I DO want to be around my family, but nobody is going to enjoy visiting 10,000 tulips with me except for me. Nobody wants to stop and read all the roadside geologic history signs except for me. When I'm by myself I can do all the weird little things that I love-- listening to a podcast about planners, browsing the romance section at a used bookstore, trying to collect passport stamps from all the lodges in my local national park.
I recently bought a new car and wanted to take it out for a long drive. There are days when I drive into work, and I see the Olympics across the water, and I have the urge to just call out last minute, catch a ferry, and see where the road takes me. Yesterday, I planned to do that-- drive out that way, tool around, come home. But my husband was able to take the day off and offered to come with me, and then I feel like an asshole saying no. We had a great time, but man, if I'd been by myself, I would have taken a different route, I would have gotten home later, I would have eaten somewhere else.
This speaks to me so much. The pandemic and having a remote, time-consuming job has made me into a bit of a hermit. My husband complains that we don’t do enough things together anymore. I’m tired on weekends, so I really only have the energy to do one outing. And I feel this pressure to include him, even if it’s just running errands or buying groceries or going for a walk down the road. I rarely get the chance to just daydream while driving or quietly watch people while eating lunch somewhere. He’s willing to go anywhere I want, so I can’t use the excuse that it’s something only I would like. He also works only part-time, so he has far more leisure time than me and does lots of things without me (like overnight ski trips). I’m at a loss for how to get out the house more on my own, with the energy levels that I have, while nurturing my marriage as well. Hopefully as spring arrives I will find the energy to do more small outings on my own while also spending time with my husband.
I try to spend my evenings with him— even if we are just sitting in the same room doing different things. I am vocal about loving him and making sure there’s a lot of small touches and reassurance that I care. I’ve also worked on being explicit that I need time alone— yesterday I took a two hour bath in the middle of the afternoon, and didn’t get out until I felt like it. I then spent the evening happily social, but I had pre-charged by reading romance in the tub.
Great advice. Thank you!
The timing of this post is great. Next week is my employer's spring break, while my spouse is working and kid is in daycare. My plan already had been a nebulous "rediscover what I like to do" and now I feel even more empowered to do it on my own