So interesting to contemplate! My parents learned a certain communalism due to being raised in the Christian church and in very traditional, patriarchal families, but were also both very individualistic temperamentally. They carried forward a lot of Christian ideas about being of service, and a lot of commitment to family, but they also …
So interesting to contemplate! My parents learned a certain communalism due to being raised in the Christian church and in very traditional, patriarchal families, but were also both very individualistic temperamentally. They carried forward a lot of Christian ideas about being of service, and a lot of commitment to family, but they also roundly rejected a lot of the bigotry and materialism they grew up with. They were also very idealistic people, so they took their Christian ideas about service and community and found a new home in Quakerism, which felt like it wedded their rebellion with their desire for the beloved community.
I would say that I was raised with some support for my individual self, but only insofar as I conformed to their ideas about what was right, what mattered to me, what direction I wanted to take in my life. For all of their personal rebelliousness, neither of them were particularly open to mine. It was an odd, and often infuriating and heartbreaking dissonance.
I don't know that I ever thought of my own desire to allow my children to be who they believe themselves to be even if who that is doesn't entirely make sense to me as "soft" individualism, but perhaps it is. In my own life I have found, ironically, that being seen clearly as a unique individual and loved with an open hand that allows me to grow in the way I am called to rather than trapped in other people's definitions of me makes me more open to connection and obligation, more willing to temper my individual desires to accommodate the needs of others. When I feel silenced or erased I become more defiantly individualistic. So, I have tried to the greatest extent possible to really see my children as their own people in order to facilitate our deeper connection as they move out into the world. I don't know if this underlines their position in the social hierarchy, but it has provided us with a better quality relationship than I ever had with my own parents.
So interesting to contemplate! My parents learned a certain communalism due to being raised in the Christian church and in very traditional, patriarchal families, but were also both very individualistic temperamentally. They carried forward a lot of Christian ideas about being of service, and a lot of commitment to family, but they also roundly rejected a lot of the bigotry and materialism they grew up with. They were also very idealistic people, so they took their Christian ideas about service and community and found a new home in Quakerism, which felt like it wedded their rebellion with their desire for the beloved community.
I would say that I was raised with some support for my individual self, but only insofar as I conformed to their ideas about what was right, what mattered to me, what direction I wanted to take in my life. For all of their personal rebelliousness, neither of them were particularly open to mine. It was an odd, and often infuriating and heartbreaking dissonance.
I don't know that I ever thought of my own desire to allow my children to be who they believe themselves to be even if who that is doesn't entirely make sense to me as "soft" individualism, but perhaps it is. In my own life I have found, ironically, that being seen clearly as a unique individual and loved with an open hand that allows me to grow in the way I am called to rather than trapped in other people's definitions of me makes me more open to connection and obligation, more willing to temper my individual desires to accommodate the needs of others. When I feel silenced or erased I become more defiantly individualistic. So, I have tried to the greatest extent possible to really see my children as their own people in order to facilitate our deeper connection as they move out into the world. I don't know if this underlines their position in the social hierarchy, but it has provided us with a better quality relationship than I ever had with my own parents.