This is the midweek edition of Culture Study — the newsletter from Anne Helen Petersen, which you can read about here. If you like it and want more like it in your inbox, consider subscribing. For the newsletter this week, I’m talking with sociologist Jessica Calarco about her recent research on mothers grappling with parenting, partners, anxiety, work, and feelings of failure during the pandemic. She’s whipsmart, as you’ll see below, and I
You know, I've been on a real tear lately with this idea of a budget being a moral document. Like, if you want to know what a family or a city or a country values, look at what they spend money on. What do they consider "essential"? What are they willing to cut out when times are lean? Obviously this isn't a perfect analogy, particularly when dealing with a household budget, but if we assume for the sake of argument that a given household is able to meet its basic needs, look at what they spend their "extra" money on. Maybe its hobbies or fancy coffee or a vacation. Those choices tell you what that person values, because even if we are assuming that basic needs are being met, money is usually finite. If I have $100 extra dollars this month, I can choose to spend it on a nice blanket or I can donate it to charity. Neither choice makes me a "good person" or a "bad person" but it does tell you what I value right now.
By the same token, when a town decides to close schools for children because covid cases are rising instead of closing bars, that tells you what the town values. Both choices are have costs, financial and otherwise. And both choices tell you what the town finds to be important. If we valued school, we would make it work.
So when I think about what we value as a culture, we clearly do not value women's time. Its like that saying about breastfeeding, "Breast-feeding is only free if a woman's time is worth nothing."
All of this, so much. I was literally on a Zoom call with a group of friends last night talking about how close I am to either breaking or walking. I told them I’d been thinking about (probably mostly white) moms in the 60s and 70s who, once they felt they had some window to leave, they did, no matter how much they loved their spouses and kids. Probably the first time I’ve started to feel like I understand how trapped they felt and how few options they had. And no matter how aware I am that the problems I face (which are relatively far less than other moms face) are almost completely systemic, I don’t know what to do about them. Thank you to Jessica Calarco for your research. Reading this might help me not totally fall apart for a while longer 💗
Articles like this one reinforce that not having children was the right decision for my partner and me. And I still feel guilt admitting this, even as someone who is less socially connected and hasn’t had to face overt pressure to have children. With the pandemic here, I am grateful every day to not be going through this with children. No idea how I would cope with worrying about their health and schooling, or manage financially, or divide up household and childcare tasks with my partner who doesn’t have the option to work from home.
This entire interview is cutting and brilliant. It takes the entire patriarchal culture to isolate women and the entire patriarchal weight to crush them. As always, people don't need "tips and tricks" or those addictive fast-fixes...they just need resources and for the weight to be taken off their back for just a few damn minutes.
This article both validated parenting right now and filled me with rage. I've been thinking a lot about how women have been carving out a place for themselves in the workplace but not truly restructuring work to make it actually parenting friendly. A common theme to all of the "women can have it all!" talks that I've attended is that you should pay for people to do the work you don't have time to do. So we have hired childcare, and housekeepers, and house managers, etc (which is a whole other socioeconomic can of worms because who is doing this work). Now, all of a sudden, this isn't feasible. And everything comes crashing down because we never changed the system, we just figured out how to manipulate slightly.
The book Utopia for Realists (by Rutger Bregman) noted that despite universal basic income being overwhelmingly popular in the US among both parties during the Nixon administration, it was ultimately shot down due in part to fears that it would make women too independent. Too independent. So the progressive countries in Europe forged on without us.
Studies have shown that UBI in fact strengthens relationships, and I believe this article gives that impression as well - regarding greater social support in general if not basic income specifically.
Would love to hear about the experiences of Black, Latina, Asian, and Native women, but this was a great read. Many of our problems are sociological not psychological in nature and it's great to see something that gets right at that.
This is one of the best, most accessible things I have read explaining how social pressure enforces norms that harm us. I’m so grateful to read an expert admit that her own mother’s little comments make her doubt herself sometimes too. It’s amazing how, even when we know the problems are structural, it’s so easy to turn blame inward.
I think there is a bigger story here. It is almost a trope to say that this is what mothers and women are going through. It is true. But I find the greater truth is that it is the experience of whomever in the relationship is burdened with the child care. This tends to be the person who is not the bread winner in the family. There are dad's going through much of this same dynamic, and that story goes unrecognized. That both undermines and isolates them, and fails to recognize progress that has been made in shifting dynamics at home and work. The moral truth seems to be that American society hates children, seeking only to provide for children with the least expenditure possible. This is why the police can afford the best and latest riot gear but kids have to buy their own school supplies.
I really appreciate this post. I'm a white guy and I want to send it to all my male friends who have a partner and kids, but I worry that, as someone without kids, it will come across as me prying, or judging or shaming them when I just want to inform them of what might be happening to their partners right in front of them. Also asking them to take 20min to read an email probably won't happen considering how busy they are all the time.
The obvious solution is to just call them and talk to them about it. But I'm at a bit of a loss of how to do that too. Any guys/dads out there who have some advice or a story of what worked on or for you in a similar conversation? Any time a friend asked them about a thing and it made them reconsider how they were behaving? Feedback from women is also obviously welcome, but I'm just trying to work it out amongst ourselves without having to also add 'get moms to tell me how to talk to my friends' to the list of things they have to do.
Loved this article! Forwarding to friends and family - "you are not alone".
I'm a business owner - I've tried to communicate to my team that it's okay to perform differently during the pandemic, and for folks working from home, they may need more flexibility and understanding regarding meetings / deadlines, etc. My primary focus has been to keep our team that needs to remain on-site safe (manufacturing environment). I'd love to hear thoughts on what we can do as business owners to support our teams, and especially working parents.
I think this is true, but I think it’s missing a big component, at least one which I’ve experienced which is the impact of globalization on white collar work. I’ve held a well paying job for 10 yrs and each year there are more layoffs and more jobs shipped overseas. People are helicopter parenting their kids because they want them to get into ivy league schools as a way to maintain their socioeconomic status. Good paying jobs are disappearing and staying in the middle class is becoming more fraught. White men (and our partners) aren’t singularly to blame for this.
Anyone who got jabbed deserves to have their professional license revoked. That includes Trump, Desantis, and this satanic witch posing as a sociologist. You wore the mask in a leadership position, then you deserve to be homeless or worse. Nuremberg Trails 2.0 for the Jab Nazis!!! You committed crimes against Humanity that would even make Hitler blush, yet you show zero remorse. You are evil incarnate. Innocent People were counting on you, but you enabled liers, cheats, and thieves. You killed science, and it will take decades to rebuild trust with academia, because evil disgusting slime balls like you became corrupt long long ago. Shame on you. Do the world a favor and retire. Maybe get a real job instead of destroying society?
much appreciated. Clear and compelling account of the sociological imagination. And this: "What I can’t stop thinking about is how our lack of a social safety net is putting women’s health and relationships at risk. So much of the public conversation has focused on the women who are dropping out of the workforce. Those stories are important, but to me they signal the centrality of capitalism in all of our public concerns." Yes.
"Other countries have social safety nets. The U.S. has women."
You know, I've been on a real tear lately with this idea of a budget being a moral document. Like, if you want to know what a family or a city or a country values, look at what they spend money on. What do they consider "essential"? What are they willing to cut out when times are lean? Obviously this isn't a perfect analogy, particularly when dealing with a household budget, but if we assume for the sake of argument that a given household is able to meet its basic needs, look at what they spend their "extra" money on. Maybe its hobbies or fancy coffee or a vacation. Those choices tell you what that person values, because even if we are assuming that basic needs are being met, money is usually finite. If I have $100 extra dollars this month, I can choose to spend it on a nice blanket or I can donate it to charity. Neither choice makes me a "good person" or a "bad person" but it does tell you what I value right now.
By the same token, when a town decides to close schools for children because covid cases are rising instead of closing bars, that tells you what the town values. Both choices are have costs, financial and otherwise. And both choices tell you what the town finds to be important. If we valued school, we would make it work.
So when I think about what we value as a culture, we clearly do not value women's time. Its like that saying about breastfeeding, "Breast-feeding is only free if a woman's time is worth nothing."
Indeed.
All of this, so much. I was literally on a Zoom call with a group of friends last night talking about how close I am to either breaking or walking. I told them I’d been thinking about (probably mostly white) moms in the 60s and 70s who, once they felt they had some window to leave, they did, no matter how much they loved their spouses and kids. Probably the first time I’ve started to feel like I understand how trapped they felt and how few options they had. And no matter how aware I am that the problems I face (which are relatively far less than other moms face) are almost completely systemic, I don’t know what to do about them. Thank you to Jessica Calarco for your research. Reading this might help me not totally fall apart for a while longer 💗
Articles like this one reinforce that not having children was the right decision for my partner and me. And I still feel guilt admitting this, even as someone who is less socially connected and hasn’t had to face overt pressure to have children. With the pandemic here, I am grateful every day to not be going through this with children. No idea how I would cope with worrying about their health and schooling, or manage financially, or divide up household and childcare tasks with my partner who doesn’t have the option to work from home.
This entire interview is cutting and brilliant. It takes the entire patriarchal culture to isolate women and the entire patriarchal weight to crush them. As always, people don't need "tips and tricks" or those addictive fast-fixes...they just need resources and for the weight to be taken off their back for just a few damn minutes.
This article both validated parenting right now and filled me with rage. I've been thinking a lot about how women have been carving out a place for themselves in the workplace but not truly restructuring work to make it actually parenting friendly. A common theme to all of the "women can have it all!" talks that I've attended is that you should pay for people to do the work you don't have time to do. So we have hired childcare, and housekeepers, and house managers, etc (which is a whole other socioeconomic can of worms because who is doing this work). Now, all of a sudden, this isn't feasible. And everything comes crashing down because we never changed the system, we just figured out how to manipulate slightly.
The book Utopia for Realists (by Rutger Bregman) noted that despite universal basic income being overwhelmingly popular in the US among both parties during the Nixon administration, it was ultimately shot down due in part to fears that it would make women too independent. Too independent. So the progressive countries in Europe forged on without us.
Studies have shown that UBI in fact strengthens relationships, and I believe this article gives that impression as well - regarding greater social support in general if not basic income specifically.
Would love to hear about the experiences of Black, Latina, Asian, and Native women, but this was a great read. Many of our problems are sociological not psychological in nature and it's great to see something that gets right at that.
Oof, that subject line quote is a gut-punch. Thank you for staying on top of this story from the beginning.
This is a really important article, and super-validating to me as a full-time working mom (currently from home). This pandemic sucks!
This is one of the best, most accessible things I have read explaining how social pressure enforces norms that harm us. I’m so grateful to read an expert admit that her own mother’s little comments make her doubt herself sometimes too. It’s amazing how, even when we know the problems are structural, it’s so easy to turn blame inward.
I think there is a bigger story here. It is almost a trope to say that this is what mothers and women are going through. It is true. But I find the greater truth is that it is the experience of whomever in the relationship is burdened with the child care. This tends to be the person who is not the bread winner in the family. There are dad's going through much of this same dynamic, and that story goes unrecognized. That both undermines and isolates them, and fails to recognize progress that has been made in shifting dynamics at home and work. The moral truth seems to be that American society hates children, seeking only to provide for children with the least expenditure possible. This is why the police can afford the best and latest riot gear but kids have to buy their own school supplies.
I really appreciate this post. I'm a white guy and I want to send it to all my male friends who have a partner and kids, but I worry that, as someone without kids, it will come across as me prying, or judging or shaming them when I just want to inform them of what might be happening to their partners right in front of them. Also asking them to take 20min to read an email probably won't happen considering how busy they are all the time.
The obvious solution is to just call them and talk to them about it. But I'm at a bit of a loss of how to do that too. Any guys/dads out there who have some advice or a story of what worked on or for you in a similar conversation? Any time a friend asked them about a thing and it made them reconsider how they were behaving? Feedback from women is also obviously welcome, but I'm just trying to work it out amongst ourselves without having to also add 'get moms to tell me how to talk to my friends' to the list of things they have to do.
Loved this article! Forwarding to friends and family - "you are not alone".
I'm a business owner - I've tried to communicate to my team that it's okay to perform differently during the pandemic, and for folks working from home, they may need more flexibility and understanding regarding meetings / deadlines, etc. My primary focus has been to keep our team that needs to remain on-site safe (manufacturing environment). I'd love to hear thoughts on what we can do as business owners to support our teams, and especially working parents.
I think this is true, but I think it’s missing a big component, at least one which I’ve experienced which is the impact of globalization on white collar work. I’ve held a well paying job for 10 yrs and each year there are more layoffs and more jobs shipped overseas. People are helicopter parenting their kids because they want them to get into ivy league schools as a way to maintain their socioeconomic status. Good paying jobs are disappearing and staying in the middle class is becoming more fraught. White men (and our partners) aren’t singularly to blame for this.
Anyone who got jabbed deserves to have their professional license revoked. That includes Trump, Desantis, and this satanic witch posing as a sociologist. You wore the mask in a leadership position, then you deserve to be homeless or worse. Nuremberg Trails 2.0 for the Jab Nazis!!! You committed crimes against Humanity that would even make Hitler blush, yet you show zero remorse. You are evil incarnate. Innocent People were counting on you, but you enabled liers, cheats, and thieves. You killed science, and it will take decades to rebuild trust with academia, because evil disgusting slime balls like you became corrupt long long ago. Shame on you. Do the world a favor and retire. Maybe get a real job instead of destroying society?
much appreciated. Clear and compelling account of the sociological imagination. And this: "What I can’t stop thinking about is how our lack of a social safety net is putting women’s health and relationships at risk. So much of the public conversation has focused on the women who are dropping out of the workforce. Those stories are important, but to me they signal the centrality of capitalism in all of our public concerns." Yes.