The thing I most wish I'd had (although this is a comparatively small piece of what's needed) is acknowledgement that some people don't want sex. Growing up asexual before most people (including me) even know the word meant all I got was a whole lot of, "Of course you desperately want to do this, but don't do it." The pushing of abstinence gave me a useful shield, but it wasn't worth the deep-down sick feeling of "something is very wrong with me."
YES! I identify as bi and grey-ace and there was just…nothing about sex ed as I received it that made me feel like anything other than an invisible broken alien compared to my peers. And while I love the OWL program mentioned in Claire’s comment, having gone through the parent-version, I’m not sure how affirming an ace kid would find it. I really want there to be sex ed that recognizes asexuality as an equally valid way of existing as an adult.
Couldn't agree more with both of you, and thank you for adding these important points! I think including asexuality in sex ed curricula would help to take some of the unnecessary pressure away from discussions of sex, for ace and allo students alike, by sending the message that not everyone desires sex and that is more than okay. Anne Helen's conversation with Angela Chen is on the syllabus for my intro to sociology students and I find myself returning to it often.
Love this conversation - just wanted to add that I also think learning and thinking about asexuality would help everyone in terms of being able to better parse and articulate desire when it comes to sexual, romantic, aesthetic, etc.
Very curious if you’ve heard about the Our Whole Lives curriculum, developed by the Unitarian Universalist Association. From what I understand, it’s a comprehensive, progressive, radically inclusive sexuality curriculum for grades K-12. I didn’t have the privilege of attending OWL classes myself (it was still called About Your Sexuality in the 90s, and I didn’t have a ride to where it was), but friends who took it came away with the most extraordinary information! Now I’m looking for a local (NYC) offering for my first grader, bc he sure af won’t get anything like it at his school.
I can add that I went through this program back in the 1990s. At the time, we made great fun of all the tasteful charcoal drawings. But I didn't realize quite how revolutionary the education was -- beyond just being queer friendly, it was just plain friendly -- cis-sex education included drawings of elderly couples and couples where one partner was in a wheelchair. The fact that people of all kinds and at all stages of life are sexual beings -- and that's neither weird nor gross -- was a really sweet background message for the program (though, of course, that didn't stop any of the class from being embarrassed by the whole thing -- the program has that in common with every other sex ed curriculum!).
Yes! I also came to the comments to share about Our Whole Lives! I grew up in the UU community in the mid 2000s and didn’t have OWL myself (wasn’t going to church at the time) but teenage friends I made later spoke about it with some reverence and I only later realized how radical it was. Just like we all remember “the banana” from public school, the UU kids ALL remember “the slideshow” - which must be the charcoal drawings Amelia is describing - people of all ages and partner orientations and abilities getting it on. Agreed with “sex is for everyone” being the background message, and I had no idea how powerfully different that was than traditional school or church sex ed.
Thanks, Tyler, for this piece - it was eye opening as someone who received cis-het-normative sex ed. While I had some complaints (little discussion of sex for pleasure, mild scare tactics, etc.) I took for granted that the kind of sex I was likely to have was explicitly sanctioned by the curriculum.... and what that telegraphs to those young people who are left out.
I just found a description on the official Unitarian Universalist association site!! “There are also a set of visuals for the 7-9 grade Our Whole Lives program. These slides, which are probably one of the most controversial parts of the program, are optional and are considered to be part of the religious supplement. A congregation can choose to use Our Whole Lives without ever dealing with the visuals. The slides, which cost about $75, are only available to congregations who have trained leaders for the program. These slides are hand-drawn, are very realistic, explicit, and in Judith's words, "beautiful." They are divided into three parts—Anatomy/Physiology, Lovemaking, and Masturbation. They also are very inclusive and diverse, including racial diversity, different body types, people with disabilities, and people of various ages.” https://www.uua.org/ga/past/1999/owl-7-9 ETA this page is from 1999 … but you get the idea
This is incredible and I'm so happy you were able to receive this kind of sex ed!! I think the teenage cringe is worth it, especially since you're able to look back and reflect on how ahead of its time this program was. Thanks so much for reading :)
I was just coming here to give a shout-out to OWL! We’re UUs and my kid is a 5th grader this year and I’m *so* excited that she’ll get to do OWL this year at church, and I know there are some folks who aren’t part of our church that come just for OWL, too.
During the part of the pandemic when everything was on Zoom, our church teamed up with another UU church to offer OWL for parents (I think it was called something like “Parents as sexuality educators”; it definitely had a formal curriculum, wasn’t an ad hoc thing). I got *so* much from it, including a whole lot more compassion for my baby queer self who never got the kind of inclusive education that my kid’s gonna get and always felt like an invisible alien in sex ed. But I will say that as someone who’s both bi and grey-ace, I felt like the ace side of things was still not well-included comparatively.
This is new to me, thank you so much for sharing! Best of luck finding something similar in NYC, he's very lucky to have a parent who cares about getting ahead of these things :)
Sexual education is essential for everyone; I cannot imagine how awful it is for a queer person. In 1960, in a Catholic high school, a PRIEST! spoke to my class. I never had an honest idea of human anatomy until enrolled a nonreligious college. A terrible psychological bent on an essential human act.
I hope that your message succeeds, and that you succeed as well. My Philly high school no longer exists. Thank god!!!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I'm so glad you were eventually able to learn what you needed to. As a current Philadelphia resident, I hope today's students are receiving a much more inclusive and anatomically correct sex ed :)
I came out much later in life and after I already had a daughter. I also came out as bi - so the combination of having a daughter (aka being a breeder) and identifying as bi made it really hard to date (in Boston in the early 2,000’s). Adding to that the fact that I had zero idea about girl-on-girl sex and the only options for learning about it seemed to be very male gaze centric ... to say my anxiety was at a high would be an understatement.
And it’s something that has never left me. Living much of the last decade in the south, in mostly smallish towns, where it’s tough to meet other queer people, I haven’t exactly gained the experience I might otherwise have. Now I’m close to 50 and still feel insecure about girl-sex, even tho most days I’m fairly certain I’ve only identified as bi (as opposed to a lesbian) because it meant I could still date and/or hookup.
While I can’t imagine a sex ed class being the thing that filled this gap, I definitely think a more comprehensive approach, such as you discuss, would normalize so much and make it easier for people to explore and ask questions.
I wish I could love your comment 100 times. I'm bi and polyamorous and think it's no coincidence that all of my serious partners over the years have had penises. Like you, I have no idea how to gain experience with people with vaginas.
This was an arresting piece. Thanks much for posting it. Being many years past secondary school, I was immediately struck by the rightness of your thinking and by the image of the mumbling, embarrassed and very old-fashioned gym teacher who taught us sex ed. How sad that so little has changed since my school days. I’m looking forward to your next posts.
In Britain we had Section 28 laws for some of my secondary/high school education, basically the same as the Don’t Say Gay stuff, so not only was my school’s sex education not at all queer, it was actively homophobic (I’ve known I was queer since I was 14).
Oof I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you were able to access other, more affirming resources throughout your adolescence. Thanks so much for reading :)
Thanks so much for both of these posts - they gave me the needed kick in the pants to email my kid's school to find out about their curriculum and contact the local UUs to figure out how to get on their list for OWL. We've done our best to be open and chill about all things body related (I have vivid memories of reading the "menstruation" section of one of those It's So Amazing books to my kids at bedtime - their choice!) but I'd like to be more intentionally inclusive and cover queer experiences more accurately and helpfully.
The thing I most wish I'd had (although this is a comparatively small piece of what's needed) is acknowledgement that some people don't want sex. Growing up asexual before most people (including me) even know the word meant all I got was a whole lot of, "Of course you desperately want to do this, but don't do it." The pushing of abstinence gave me a useful shield, but it wasn't worth the deep-down sick feeling of "something is very wrong with me."
YES! I identify as bi and grey-ace and there was just…nothing about sex ed as I received it that made me feel like anything other than an invisible broken alien compared to my peers. And while I love the OWL program mentioned in Claire’s comment, having gone through the parent-version, I’m not sure how affirming an ace kid would find it. I really want there to be sex ed that recognizes asexuality as an equally valid way of existing as an adult.
Couldn't agree more with both of you, and thank you for adding these important points! I think including asexuality in sex ed curricula would help to take some of the unnecessary pressure away from discussions of sex, for ace and allo students alike, by sending the message that not everyone desires sex and that is more than okay. Anne Helen's conversation with Angela Chen is on the syllabus for my intro to sociology students and I find myself returning to it often.
Love this conversation - just wanted to add that I also think learning and thinking about asexuality would help everyone in terms of being able to better parse and articulate desire when it comes to sexual, romantic, aesthetic, etc.
Very curious if you’ve heard about the Our Whole Lives curriculum, developed by the Unitarian Universalist Association. From what I understand, it’s a comprehensive, progressive, radically inclusive sexuality curriculum for grades K-12. I didn’t have the privilege of attending OWL classes myself (it was still called About Your Sexuality in the 90s, and I didn’t have a ride to where it was), but friends who took it came away with the most extraordinary information! Now I’m looking for a local (NYC) offering for my first grader, bc he sure af won’t get anything like it at his school.
I can add that I went through this program back in the 1990s. At the time, we made great fun of all the tasteful charcoal drawings. But I didn't realize quite how revolutionary the education was -- beyond just being queer friendly, it was just plain friendly -- cis-sex education included drawings of elderly couples and couples where one partner was in a wheelchair. The fact that people of all kinds and at all stages of life are sexual beings -- and that's neither weird nor gross -- was a really sweet background message for the program (though, of course, that didn't stop any of the class from being embarrassed by the whole thing -- the program has that in common with every other sex ed curriculum!).
Yes! I also came to the comments to share about Our Whole Lives! I grew up in the UU community in the mid 2000s and didn’t have OWL myself (wasn’t going to church at the time) but teenage friends I made later spoke about it with some reverence and I only later realized how radical it was. Just like we all remember “the banana” from public school, the UU kids ALL remember “the slideshow” - which must be the charcoal drawings Amelia is describing - people of all ages and partner orientations and abilities getting it on. Agreed with “sex is for everyone” being the background message, and I had no idea how powerfully different that was than traditional school or church sex ed.
Thanks, Tyler, for this piece - it was eye opening as someone who received cis-het-normative sex ed. While I had some complaints (little discussion of sex for pleasure, mild scare tactics, etc.) I took for granted that the kind of sex I was likely to have was explicitly sanctioned by the curriculum.... and what that telegraphs to those young people who are left out.
Thanks so much for reading :) I gotta get my hands on this slideshow lol
I just found a description on the official Unitarian Universalist association site!! “There are also a set of visuals for the 7-9 grade Our Whole Lives program. These slides, which are probably one of the most controversial parts of the program, are optional and are considered to be part of the religious supplement. A congregation can choose to use Our Whole Lives without ever dealing with the visuals. The slides, which cost about $75, are only available to congregations who have trained leaders for the program. These slides are hand-drawn, are very realistic, explicit, and in Judith's words, "beautiful." They are divided into three parts—Anatomy/Physiology, Lovemaking, and Masturbation. They also are very inclusive and diverse, including racial diversity, different body types, people with disabilities, and people of various ages.” https://www.uua.org/ga/past/1999/owl-7-9 ETA this page is from 1999 … but you get the idea
I appreciate their honesty about them being controversial... and the fact that Judith thinks they're beautiful hahaha
This is incredible and I'm so happy you were able to receive this kind of sex ed!! I think the teenage cringe is worth it, especially since you're able to look back and reflect on how ahead of its time this program was. Thanks so much for reading :)
I was just coming here to give a shout-out to OWL! We’re UUs and my kid is a 5th grader this year and I’m *so* excited that she’ll get to do OWL this year at church, and I know there are some folks who aren’t part of our church that come just for OWL, too.
During the part of the pandemic when everything was on Zoom, our church teamed up with another UU church to offer OWL for parents (I think it was called something like “Parents as sexuality educators”; it definitely had a formal curriculum, wasn’t an ad hoc thing). I got *so* much from it, including a whole lot more compassion for my baby queer self who never got the kind of inclusive education that my kid’s gonna get and always felt like an invisible alien in sex ed. But I will say that as someone who’s both bi and grey-ace, I felt like the ace side of things was still not well-included comparatively.
This is new to me, thank you so much for sharing! Best of luck finding something similar in NYC, he's very lucky to have a parent who cares about getting ahead of these things :)
Sexual education is essential for everyone; I cannot imagine how awful it is for a queer person. In 1960, in a Catholic high school, a PRIEST! spoke to my class. I never had an honest idea of human anatomy until enrolled a nonreligious college. A terrible psychological bent on an essential human act.
I hope that your message succeeds, and that you succeed as well. My Philly high school no longer exists. Thank god!!!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I'm so glad you were eventually able to learn what you needed to. As a current Philadelphia resident, I hope today's students are receiving a much more inclusive and anatomically correct sex ed :)
I came out much later in life and after I already had a daughter. I also came out as bi - so the combination of having a daughter (aka being a breeder) and identifying as bi made it really hard to date (in Boston in the early 2,000’s). Adding to that the fact that I had zero idea about girl-on-girl sex and the only options for learning about it seemed to be very male gaze centric ... to say my anxiety was at a high would be an understatement.
And it’s something that has never left me. Living much of the last decade in the south, in mostly smallish towns, where it’s tough to meet other queer people, I haven’t exactly gained the experience I might otherwise have. Now I’m close to 50 and still feel insecure about girl-sex, even tho most days I’m fairly certain I’ve only identified as bi (as opposed to a lesbian) because it meant I could still date and/or hookup.
While I can’t imagine a sex ed class being the thing that filled this gap, I definitely think a more comprehensive approach, such as you discuss, would normalize so much and make it easier for people to explore and ask questions.
I wish I could love your comment 100 times. I'm bi and polyamorous and think it's no coincidence that all of my serious partners over the years have had penises. Like you, I have no idea how to gain experience with people with vaginas.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing! I agree that it all comes down to normalization, no matter the venue.
Tyler, thank you for writing such a thoughtful piece. Looking forward to spending more time with you here this week!
Thanks so much for reading, Amy! :)
This was an arresting piece. Thanks much for posting it. Being many years past secondary school, I was immediately struck by the rightness of your thinking and by the image of the mumbling, embarrassed and very old-fashioned gym teacher who taught us sex ed. How sad that so little has changed since my school days. I’m looking forward to your next posts.
Thank you very much for reading! :)
In Britain we had Section 28 laws for some of my secondary/high school education, basically the same as the Don’t Say Gay stuff, so not only was my school’s sex education not at all queer, it was actively homophobic (I’ve known I was queer since I was 14).
Oof I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you were able to access other, more affirming resources throughout your adolescence. Thanks so much for reading :)
Thanks so much for both of these posts - they gave me the needed kick in the pants to email my kid's school to find out about their curriculum and contact the local UUs to figure out how to get on their list for OWL. We've done our best to be open and chill about all things body related (I have vivid memories of reading the "menstruation" section of one of those It's So Amazing books to my kids at bedtime - their choice!) but I'd like to be more intentionally inclusive and cover queer experiences more accurately and helpfully.