This is the midweek edition of Culture Study — the newsletter from Anne Helen Petersen, which you can read about here. If you like it and want more like it in your inbox, consider subscribing. In the days after my very small Thanksgiving, I was thinking about how part of me misses the elaborate holidays, mini-vacations, and weekends of the past, when you’d throw a group of people, usually some conglomeration of friends plus their partner, in a rented house, cabin, a beach cottage, a tent, an RV, and try to figure out how to have planned fun, as a new or old friend group, away from the confines of home and work. If you’ve ever been on one of these trips, you might know that there’s always a figure that I think of as the Vacation Mom — sometimes literally, oftentimes figuratively — also known as the “Cruise Director.”
I wonder if "Peak Vacation Value" is a uniquely American construct, given that as a society we are afforded significantly less vacation time than pretty much any other major industrial nation.
I don't think people *want* to squeeze as many things in to their time away from work as possible--- they just don't have any other choice.
For example, the pandemic is effectively taking valuable vacation time away from me this year because I probably won't be able to use it to travel. I will find other things to do with that vacation time (use it or lose it!), but I'm going to be upset that these 14 extremely valuable days that I am granted by my employer this year are not going to be spent taking a long road trip or flying to a foreign country.
Sand trickles through the hourglass... only so many vacation days left before you die.
It's hard to think clearly about this right now because PTO feels weird, but I do think that in non-COVID times, there is this idea that you must make your time off *count.*
Absolutely. And I don't know if it's necessarily wrong that we ascribe to that idea given the circumstances. I think if we all had a lot more leisure time we would probably spend more of it doing...nothing.
I think about "wasted time", or at least "used up time", a lot. I hate it when other people waste my time (which can look like a lot of different things to different people). It's okay if "wasting time" is a choice that I'm making for myself, but I don't like it when it's out of my control.
For me, and probably for a lot of people, going to work every day is part of that "used up time". Sitting in traffic for a commute is "used up time". Have we made some money, and perhaps put some food on the table, or put a little money into savings? Maybe. But it doesn't always feel like time "well spent".
And so when we're not having our time used, or wasted, by other obligations, we feel compelled to make our leisure time feel like it's not going to waste. It's a response driven not only by the feeling that we need to make it count, but that we need to give the finger to the people/things that put so many limits on our lives.
"I'm exhausted, but I'm going to finish this book/go to the gym/drive to NYC and back for the weekend because life is short and you can't take *all* of my time from me, dammit!"
I'm definitely finding that with the pandemic, I (along with most of my coworkers) am trying to use up vacation before the end of the year - and it's not restorative at all without the Doing of Things. The kind of time off that might have been pleasantly relaxing last year (sit around the apartment watching TV and playing games) is...not.
I totally agree with the idea of the restorative nature of "doing the things".
I'm someone who always feels the most refreshed when I can fully immerse myself in something, whether it's hobby stuff, yard work, an event, a hike in the woods, books, etc. I like the total and unavoidable distraction of doing things. I think that's part of the appeal of getting "peak vacation value". If we had more leisure time available to restore our mental state we wouldn't have to pack it all in to a smaller window. But that's what we have to do to keep ourselves sane, so we do it.
I think that's true. I get 32 days (UK) and my husband gets 36. We're both happy to take a day here and there to have a rest, do household stuff, etc. And a holiday where we went to a cabin and read books and played board games wouldn't feel like a waste.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around 32 vacation days. My father worked as a white collar businessman his whole life, was the VP of one company and the Controller of another, and I think the most vacation time he ever had was probably 20 days. He certainly never *took* more than 15 in a year in his whole life...
I think the statutory minimum is 28, the 36 includes bank holidays etc, I think. I'm an academic, so typically take 2 weeks at Christmas, and 2 weeks over the summer, and a bit here and there.
Every single paragraph of this speaks to me. I just stayed up until midnight perfecting the damned holiday card (through minted, with foil!) after managing the photographer, the casually coordinating photo outfits, and the kids' damned moods during the pictures. Thank you for naming all of this - recognizing what I'm doing may help me let go of the parts that I don't like.
I'm a young millennial who *loves* going ham on Christmas. And has never had a budget to accommodate that leading to many a year of hand made Christmas cards. I work for a printing company, and last year treated myself to making a very beautiful accordion fold Christmas card (4 panels). Two of the panels were tear away postcards from two trips that I took that year. The other two panels were a card with a quilt I've been working on, on the front and some poems and prose to reflect the postcards and a little missive and picture of me.
So, you know: very simple
But besides the joy of the production and the beauty of it, it was a very nice treat for me not to do individualized letters to every individual on my list (which I'd done until last year).
This year I'm sending a double-sided card. 2020 Doom Bingo and 2020 Making the Best of It Bingo. And a note informing all sendees that if they get bingos I'll donate $5 to a bail fund (Doom) or mutual aid fund (Making the Best of It).
So again, not simple. But it's making my spirit bright. And also as a no kids, yet, single, I report that I haven't felt weird sending it out.
I work for a private print shop. I'm drawing up the bingo cards, and then digitizing them and sending it to a coworker.
But a friend who uses an online print company pointed out to me that you can use any image on their cards. (ie you could find a bingo template online, turn it into a .jpg and then have that be the "photo")
Counterpoint on the holiday card: if I didn't have photos taken each year by a professional photographer, there would never be any (nice, non-selfie) photos of me with my husband or children. I'm sure it's just another gendered job for the mom to do, but I am the only one in this household who will think to take candid photos, and I am definitely the only one who can take photos where everyone's eyes are open and feet aren't cut off.
I do send a holiday card, but I've been doing it for 15 years (long before kids), it doesn't always use the pro photos, it's usually a bit cheeky, and most importantly, I enjoy it!(Don't take away my Christmas cards, it's the only sanity I have left this year..../s)
100% this! "if I didn't have photos taken each year by a professional photographer, there would never be any (nice, non-selfie) photos of me with my husband or children"
Yep! We had this realization when my great aunt died that there were no nice photos of all six of them as a family (wife, husband, 4 sons) until they were all adults. Her favorite photo in the world was the only professional photo she ever had done - one that a travelling photographer took of her, my great uncle, and their two oldest sons (the two younger hadn't been born yet) when he came through town in the late 1930s. That picture probably cost her a lot of money, too. She loved taking pictures so even when cameras became affordable it was hard to get her in one!
I'm sure if she was a young mom today who could afford it you better believe she would have gotten everyone dressed up for annual professional Christmas photos, lol!
My mom doesn't like having her picture taken, and we had to straight up tell her that she had to be in some or else when she dies we won't have photos of her. She's doing better about it!
I will never do Christmas cards and this whole newsletter made me feel pretty great about it, thank you! I am an obstinate, contrarian Gen X opt out person by nature, and I have done my level best for my whole life to opt out of any compulsory invisible gendered labor tasks that don't interest me. I love to clean and sew and decorate the house, but cards of any kind are my absolute third rail nightmare. Part of why I wanted to elope (and we did!) was no invites, no thank-you cards, no performance of photography, no gifts. I legit took our wedding photos with a timer and a tripod. However, my husband and I are both total cruise director-types for vacations, holidays, and parties and because we share that compulsion 50/50, our vacations are pretty resentment-free, especially when I direct us to spend an entire afternoon reading for pleasure and enforce that shit for real. Much easier with just two of us, obviously. Group trips are a whole different beast. Planning fun for so many people is challenging, even for this Vacation Mom.
I respect the hell out of your no-frills wedding! We got married before pinterest was a thing, and while there were parts that were performative, it wasn't performative by today's standards.
I think one of the reasons I like our family photos (and I love them when they're done!) is that I wasn't listening to myself and what I wanted for my wedding - family photos are a way of claiming some of that back. I think the key for me is thinking through, what are the parts of this photo session I want (this year we just threw on vaguely matching things that we already had - that felt way better!), and what are the parts I feel COMPELLED to do.
Your forced reading time vacations sound excellent - my current fantasy escape is me solo in a cozy heated cabin with lots and lots of books.
Oh I go ALL OUT when I host the holidays--like, Martha Stewart levels of fuss--so no shade if you love doing the cards and it works for you. I agree it is all about separating out what you like doing vs. what you feel obligated to perform. Obligation bad! Beloved traditions good!
Love it! Holiday hosting stresses me TF out - I adored this year where we did thanksgiving with takeout in PJs then in a camp-chairs, socially-distanced potluck with pod-neighbors. It seems you and I have highly complimentary gender-obligation enjoyment activities. :)
So complimentary! Similarly I gotta say doing distanced camp chair takeout with our pod neighbors has been such a great joy--I love being a baller hostess in normal times, but the low-key pandemic hangs in sweatpants are really growing on me.
On the other hand, my husband and I did make a full elaborate Thanksgiving spread for just us, including a 10 pound turkey, 2 desserts, and a bunch of sides. I dressed up for it. Then he made stock for 2 days.
Oh, I kind of miss being Vacation Mom! I made very elaborate Google Sheets that were productive ways to procrastinate during the workday.
I see your point(s) though. I deeply feel “Is it actually a weekend trip out of the city if you don’t even go on a little hike?!?!”
It reminds me of an old episode of This American Life (I think? I didn’t used to listen to too many other podcasts) about a family that goes on vacation and the dad is so miserable when the tiniest things go wrong that he digs himself into a pile of misery and ruins his own vacation, and his family’s along with it.
I *love* the spreadsheets, I cannot get enough of the spreadsheets & the distraction they provide, I just like the sort of spreadsheet that's a Google Doc that I share with my friends and we share the labor!
I'm definitely the Vacation Mom (and as of this year, Holiday Card organizer) in my relationship, and I find myself missing planning too! Love a good spreadsheet, and a vacation with some activities sketched out but some time to improvise as well. Don't want to be that dad! That said, being in charge doesn't entirely bother me, as I do like to have some control over the schedule — but I don't want to be the only one shouldering that responsibility. And the knowledge that if I don't, vacations won't happen is pretty heavy. At the end of the day, I love vacations, so....I plan. And I resent the pattern.
Holiday Cards are interesting. We've joked about sending them for the last 4 years when we take an especially funny photo, but never actually did until this year. It was impulsive and we have no good photos to use, because pandemic! But the "proof of life" and I think the desire for some connection to our friends and family made it come together. And by that I mean I came up with a creative format/photo collage/made an address spreadsheet to pull it off. TBD if it feels worth it. As long as partner contributes their addresses I think I'll call it a success.
This is totally the thing! that if planning the vacation (or sending a card, or cooking a meal, or other activity) is an enjoyable thing that brings sparkles of happiness, then embrace the sparkle. :)
I only find that the sparkle is dulled somewhat when it becomes clear that others in the vacation group assume they can add things to Vacation Mom's to-do list (like, someone sends a group email, "we should make sure there's activity xyz" but no one else actually steps up to do so). I'll also never forget the year that one of the add-on dude guests - - not a close friend - - wrote to me after I'd sent around the post-weekend "here's what we all owe" and he wanted to argue that he actually hadn't partaken in certain meals/activities, so shouldn't have to pay for those, and it was this whole awkward thing. (*actually this raises a question for me as to whether Vacation Moms end up covering additional or unexpected financial costs because it's just easier than having to nickel-and-dime everyone else)
Thanks so much for this one - I feel like you shine light into every little corner of the Mom-leisure role. It is useful and affirming to read. For me a lot of these expectations were so naturalized so long ago that unlearning is - for now at least - a continual project. In order to resist falling into old "I must perform domestic/family competence" assumptions, I find myself explaining and re-explaining these dynamics to my spouse and to myself. We're getting better about balancing this stuff, but sometimes it feels like the project is endless. You say so much so clearly here, this one is getting shared with my spouse for sure.
I particularly appreciate that you mention the class aspect of Mom roles and performances. I think about this a lot, I feel it in my own habits and feelings about what is expected of me, and I try to thwart it in small ways. But it's a real puzzle, and maybe even a red herring(?). Job, neighbors, kid's school, lack of leisure time, income - the factors that keep people Mom-laboring to fit in, they are an enormous influence on all this. They show up sooner or later in every small Mom-decision, but to what degree can small resistances push back?
Hah! It is a project. This is a turbulent moment for it too. Things are shifting so quickly, it sometimes feels like our ideologies are struggling to keep up...
Okay, I don’t really disagree with anything in this piece, re: holiday cards. It’s all pretty gendered and the lengths taken can be a bit of an eye roll. Certainly a lot of the things are just too cutesy and too much work - I don’t begrudge opting out.
But, but...what about the demand/recipient side of things? As a social media-less millennial male, I actually do appreciate receiving holiday cards from any friend or family who sends. As a somewhat globetrotting parent, I can imagine my family appreciates the (basic, Albertsons gloss 4x6 tucked into a) holiday card we usually send. My cynical heart races at the (however professionally prepared) card I might get in the mail from an old high school friend with kids.
Oh man I have definitely (jokingly?) called myself both Vacation Mom and Cruise Director out loud while on trips at several points in my life. I’m not a very demonstrative person and I think these activities - making pancakes for everyone! Pulling together the spreadsheet and making the campground reservation! - were always my awkward introvert way of being like “hey friends! I love u, let’s hang out!” I did for awhile get roped into planning a yearly tradition trip that started to feel like work so one year I just let the ball drop and lo and behold no one else took over.
Funnily enough as I drifted away from that group I was lucky to make some friends in my mid 20s where I think we all bring just enough Mom to the table and we still travel together semi regularly. Now that I am an actual mom I appreciate that even more! There’s no denying the gendered nature of so many of these things and I find I’m constantly running up against new ones ...who plans the holiday gift for the daycare teachers? Etc
The best and only answer I’ve found for it is just not doing the ones I don’t like, or being very clear with my partner that said gifting is not somehow uniquely on me when I can’t.
We did do a holiday photo card this year. We bought a house and our realtor surprised us with a gift mini photo session with a photographer friend of his. I never would have had the mental bandwidth to organize it myself but I’m actually really happy to have a photo of my whole family together because (as mom!) I’m literally never in photos as I’m always behind the camera. It does feel especially nice to have in this particular year though when we probably won’t get to see any family or friends at Christmas either. At least there was this one little silly moment where we got to be laughing and normal? And I do feel like personal mail feels nice in this year of distancing. I just hope me sending it does not then feel to my friends like a chore they have to reciprocate.
Aside from the whole Vacation Mom/Christmas card thing, this sentence just sums up so much of my life that it hurts: "And a lot of it is performing, just generally, for everyone else — trying to meet and exceed their expectations, and trying not to make anyone mad at me, things I feel like I’ve never not been doing." Yep. Yep yep yep.
Oh wow. There’s so much here! My closest friends and I go camping with our families every summer and somehow the women ended up with “camp names.” Mine is “Mom to All.” Somehow it made me sad and yet it’s true? I don’t do any of the cruise-style planning but just care for everyone throughout. Like stick with kids whose paddleboards are lagging behind, that kind of thing.
I do an end-of-year card with photos, though just random photos not professional. I started it because my husband’s company moved us about every two years and it felt like a natural way to keep in touch with friends we valued. That was pre-social media but it’s come to feel valuable to relationships that might slip away. It’s a very gendered thing in our house. I think of it as part of that uncompensated emotional labor that also maintains social connections. Necessary? No. But I hear from a number of my own old college friends that they really appreciate it. Maybe it’s non-categorizable.
I just read this right in tandem with Lyz Lenz's substack on a similar theme, and I realized that the way I have managed to both embrace my need to be the Vacation Mom and my anger at having to PERFORM Vacation Mom is to keep only the *private* elements of it. So, yes to being the one who sets up holiday decor and arranges to get a tree, because those are for *us*. But I just won't do holiday cards (I did buy a small pack of little "peace on earth" ones to send to family I won't see this year, but not the zeitgeisty photo ones), or make our camping trips more exciting than they need to be? I do try to remind myself that boredom is good for us all, which helps.
It does take a lot of mental effort to opt out, though.
Love love love this dispatch. In the early days of our parenting adventure, my husband and I had a yearly fight about Christmas card planning and execution. EVERY YEAR between 2008 and 2019. It mattered to him, but I was the one putting in all the work in the midst of producing holiday magic. Never mind my day-to-day exhaustion from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve, followed by a yearly viral hit post-Christmas that could take me out of commission into the New Year.
I'm playing the long game on Christmas cards. I'm one year away from rolling out my Christmas card retrospective. I've saved every Christmas card we've received from 2011 onward, and plan to send notes to all my mom friends who did all the invisible work. A little dividend on past investment, if you will. I see them. I am them. We're in this together. And now it's basically a group art project I plan to roll with until I'm old and gray.
And one postscript to add after reading the 40ish comments: I can't believe nobody included the Elf on the Shelf as an obvious symptom of Holiday Mom. I have yet to hear of male friends to drag themselves out of bed because they forgot to move the elf. (We had planned to lose Elfie this year due to quarantine, but unfortunately my 6 year old "rescued" him from one of the Christmas boxes before I could jettison him. Now Elfie's slowly re-gaining his will to move again...ugh.
one thing that strikes me looking back at my own childhood "holiday magic" memories and current parents' holiday stress is how much my mom seemed to enjoy doing them? she'd put up decorations she loves, sing her favorite songs, and bake the same cookies she still bakes with no kids to give them to. i'm trying to think of anything that was as much *just* work for the parent and magic for the kid as the Elf is. there was certainly plenty of work involved in making the holiday festivities happen, but not the level of "I hate this but we have to do it for the children" I hear my parent friends vent about.
Vacation Mom and Card-Maker here. We’ve never done the professional-photographer type of card, but until this year, we always had vacation photos to use. Even in years when we were too busy for big trips, we visited family for a week and went to the beach or on a hike and took lots of pictures. Then this year, nothing. No travel, no family visits, and kids at the refusing-pictures age. I thought about bailing on holiday cards, then decided to use baby pictures of each of us. Somehow, this STILL took multiple hours. For my next trick, I will try to find a rental house for spring break that is within driving distance and close enough to restaurants and (outdoor) activities, but not TOO close. Whee!
Is this why everyone I know has done fancy photo shoots this fall?! All the pictures look alike (sorry) and it may be that I've tipped over into a new demographic with friends who have young kids, new milestones, etc...or maybe it's because no one has any other photos from the year and wanted to change that.
Maybe? For us, fall is when the kids' birthdays are, so it lined up with "a year from the newborn pics" (damn, I'm a type). I also SUPER love the fall and couldn't get married in the fall due to grad school obligations (maybe self-imposed - cringe). Plus, sweaters! Layers! Gorgeous colors! But also when the kid are little, 6 months really matters, so if you want to share recent pics, taking them closer to when you send them makes sense.
That all makes sense! The fall weather, cute outfits, proximity to holiday, and a pile of personal reasons make it perfect for you. I wasn't super coherent, my brain just exploded when I connected the idea that a lot of friends who haven't done one before all doing them this year with the possible reason being holiday cards. A lil splurge and memory of a year that has just slipped by kind of does make sense.
We live outside DC, so probably somewhere on the coast between Hilton Head and St. Simon’s Island, although I hear many houses have already been snapped up. My last trip more than ten miles from my house was to NYC in late February, so I spent this whole year feeling like I dodged a bullet, which made me perfectly happy to stay at home. But I really am getting the itch to get fresh air somewhere else, if it can be done safely.
I live in GA now, but before I moved I spent a really lovely (very much sand, read, swim, repeat) trip with my mom on Pawley's Island (further north/easier drive from DC). And I enjoyed Jekyll Island (slightly south of where you're looking) on a day trip from Hostel in the Forest (closed because of COVID) in Brunswick.
I wonder if "Peak Vacation Value" is a uniquely American construct, given that as a society we are afforded significantly less vacation time than pretty much any other major industrial nation.
I don't think people *want* to squeeze as many things in to their time away from work as possible--- they just don't have any other choice.
For example, the pandemic is effectively taking valuable vacation time away from me this year because I probably won't be able to use it to travel. I will find other things to do with that vacation time (use it or lose it!), but I'm going to be upset that these 14 extremely valuable days that I am granted by my employer this year are not going to be spent taking a long road trip or flying to a foreign country.
Sand trickles through the hourglass... only so many vacation days left before you die.
It's hard to think clearly about this right now because PTO feels weird, but I do think that in non-COVID times, there is this idea that you must make your time off *count.*
Absolutely. And I don't know if it's necessarily wrong that we ascribe to that idea given the circumstances. I think if we all had a lot more leisure time we would probably spend more of it doing...nothing.
I think about "wasted time", or at least "used up time", a lot. I hate it when other people waste my time (which can look like a lot of different things to different people). It's okay if "wasting time" is a choice that I'm making for myself, but I don't like it when it's out of my control.
For me, and probably for a lot of people, going to work every day is part of that "used up time". Sitting in traffic for a commute is "used up time". Have we made some money, and perhaps put some food on the table, or put a little money into savings? Maybe. But it doesn't always feel like time "well spent".
And so when we're not having our time used, or wasted, by other obligations, we feel compelled to make our leisure time feel like it's not going to waste. It's a response driven not only by the feeling that we need to make it count, but that we need to give the finger to the people/things that put so many limits on our lives.
"I'm exhausted, but I'm going to finish this book/go to the gym/drive to NYC and back for the weekend because life is short and you can't take *all* of my time from me, dammit!"
I'm definitely finding that with the pandemic, I (along with most of my coworkers) am trying to use up vacation before the end of the year - and it's not restorative at all without the Doing of Things. The kind of time off that might have been pleasantly relaxing last year (sit around the apartment watching TV and playing games) is...not.
I totally agree with the idea of the restorative nature of "doing the things".
I'm someone who always feels the most refreshed when I can fully immerse myself in something, whether it's hobby stuff, yard work, an event, a hike in the woods, books, etc. I like the total and unavoidable distraction of doing things. I think that's part of the appeal of getting "peak vacation value". If we had more leisure time available to restore our mental state we wouldn't have to pack it all in to a smaller window. But that's what we have to do to keep ourselves sane, so we do it.
I think that's true. I get 32 days (UK) and my husband gets 36. We're both happy to take a day here and there to have a rest, do household stuff, etc. And a holiday where we went to a cabin and read books and played board games wouldn't feel like a waste.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around 32 vacation days. My father worked as a white collar businessman his whole life, was the VP of one company and the Controller of another, and I think the most vacation time he ever had was probably 20 days. He certainly never *took* more than 15 in a year in his whole life...
I think the statutory minimum is 28, the 36 includes bank holidays etc, I think. I'm an academic, so typically take 2 weeks at Christmas, and 2 weeks over the summer, and a bit here and there.
Would you consider adopting me as your 33 year old son so that I might move to the UK? :)
Every single paragraph of this speaks to me. I just stayed up until midnight perfecting the damned holiday card (through minted, with foil!) after managing the photographer, the casually coordinating photo outfits, and the kids' damned moods during the pictures. Thank you for naming all of this - recognizing what I'm doing may help me let go of the parts that I don't like.
the "with foil" killed me
I'm a young millennial who *loves* going ham on Christmas. And has never had a budget to accommodate that leading to many a year of hand made Christmas cards. I work for a printing company, and last year treated myself to making a very beautiful accordion fold Christmas card (4 panels). Two of the panels were tear away postcards from two trips that I took that year. The other two panels were a card with a quilt I've been working on, on the front and some poems and prose to reflect the postcards and a little missive and picture of me.
So, you know: very simple
But besides the joy of the production and the beauty of it, it was a very nice treat for me not to do individualized letters to every individual on my list (which I'd done until last year).
This year I'm sending a double-sided card. 2020 Doom Bingo and 2020 Making the Best of It Bingo. And a note informing all sendees that if they get bingos I'll donate $5 to a bail fund (Doom) or mutual aid fund (Making the Best of It).
So again, not simple. But it's making my spirit bright. And also as a no kids, yet, single, I report that I haven't felt weird sending it out.
This is amazing! Where are you getting them made? You came up with the bingo content yourself?
Also, thank you!
I work for a private print shop. I'm drawing up the bingo cards, and then digitizing them and sending it to a coworker.
But a friend who uses an online print company pointed out to me that you can use any image on their cards. (ie you could find a bingo template online, turn it into a .jpg and then have that be the "photo")
Hope that helps.
Thank you! You inspired me - so fun!
My heart is warmed. Thank you!
Your bingo idea is fantastic, I would be so thrilled to receive that Christmas card
Counterpoint on the holiday card: if I didn't have photos taken each year by a professional photographer, there would never be any (nice, non-selfie) photos of me with my husband or children. I'm sure it's just another gendered job for the mom to do, but I am the only one in this household who will think to take candid photos, and I am definitely the only one who can take photos where everyone's eyes are open and feet aren't cut off.
I do send a holiday card, but I've been doing it for 15 years (long before kids), it doesn't always use the pro photos, it's usually a bit cheeky, and most importantly, I enjoy it!(Don't take away my Christmas cards, it's the only sanity I have left this year..../s)
100% this! "if I didn't have photos taken each year by a professional photographer, there would never be any (nice, non-selfie) photos of me with my husband or children"
Yep! We had this realization when my great aunt died that there were no nice photos of all six of them as a family (wife, husband, 4 sons) until they were all adults. Her favorite photo in the world was the only professional photo she ever had done - one that a travelling photographer took of her, my great uncle, and their two oldest sons (the two younger hadn't been born yet) when he came through town in the late 1930s. That picture probably cost her a lot of money, too. She loved taking pictures so even when cameras became affordable it was hard to get her in one!
I'm sure if she was a young mom today who could afford it you better believe she would have gotten everyone dressed up for annual professional Christmas photos, lol!
My mom doesn't like having her picture taken, and we had to straight up tell her that she had to be in some or else when she dies we won't have photos of her. She's doing better about it!
I will never do Christmas cards and this whole newsletter made me feel pretty great about it, thank you! I am an obstinate, contrarian Gen X opt out person by nature, and I have done my level best for my whole life to opt out of any compulsory invisible gendered labor tasks that don't interest me. I love to clean and sew and decorate the house, but cards of any kind are my absolute third rail nightmare. Part of why I wanted to elope (and we did!) was no invites, no thank-you cards, no performance of photography, no gifts. I legit took our wedding photos with a timer and a tripod. However, my husband and I are both total cruise director-types for vacations, holidays, and parties and because we share that compulsion 50/50, our vacations are pretty resentment-free, especially when I direct us to spend an entire afternoon reading for pleasure and enforce that shit for real. Much easier with just two of us, obviously. Group trips are a whole different beast. Planning fun for so many people is challenging, even for this Vacation Mom.
PLANNING FUN IS CHALLENGING, yep this is it
Yes! So many people to please in so many ways at once! Especially at mealtimes.
I respect the hell out of your no-frills wedding! We got married before pinterest was a thing, and while there were parts that were performative, it wasn't performative by today's standards.
I think one of the reasons I like our family photos (and I love them when they're done!) is that I wasn't listening to myself and what I wanted for my wedding - family photos are a way of claiming some of that back. I think the key for me is thinking through, what are the parts of this photo session I want (this year we just threw on vaguely matching things that we already had - that felt way better!), and what are the parts I feel COMPELLED to do.
Your forced reading time vacations sound excellent - my current fantasy escape is me solo in a cozy heated cabin with lots and lots of books.
Oh I go ALL OUT when I host the holidays--like, Martha Stewart levels of fuss--so no shade if you love doing the cards and it works for you. I agree it is all about separating out what you like doing vs. what you feel obligated to perform. Obligation bad! Beloved traditions good!
Love it! Holiday hosting stresses me TF out - I adored this year where we did thanksgiving with takeout in PJs then in a camp-chairs, socially-distanced potluck with pod-neighbors. It seems you and I have highly complimentary gender-obligation enjoyment activities. :)
So complimentary! Similarly I gotta say doing distanced camp chair takeout with our pod neighbors has been such a great joy--I love being a baller hostess in normal times, but the low-key pandemic hangs in sweatpants are really growing on me.
On the other hand, my husband and I did make a full elaborate Thanksgiving spread for just us, including a 10 pound turkey, 2 desserts, and a bunch of sides. I dressed up for it. Then he made stock for 2 days.
I guess we contain multitudes? HA.
Oh, I kind of miss being Vacation Mom! I made very elaborate Google Sheets that were productive ways to procrastinate during the workday.
I see your point(s) though. I deeply feel “Is it actually a weekend trip out of the city if you don’t even go on a little hike?!?!”
It reminds me of an old episode of This American Life (I think? I didn’t used to listen to too many other podcasts) about a family that goes on vacation and the dad is so miserable when the tiniest things go wrong that he digs himself into a pile of misery and ruins his own vacation, and his family’s along with it.
I *love* the spreadsheets, I cannot get enough of the spreadsheets & the distraction they provide, I just like the sort of spreadsheet that's a Google Doc that I share with my friends and we share the labor!
Remember having to be in the car or tune in at home at the right time on the weekend to catch TAL? Remember "tuning in"?!
I'm definitely the Vacation Mom (and as of this year, Holiday Card organizer) in my relationship, and I find myself missing planning too! Love a good spreadsheet, and a vacation with some activities sketched out but some time to improvise as well. Don't want to be that dad! That said, being in charge doesn't entirely bother me, as I do like to have some control over the schedule — but I don't want to be the only one shouldering that responsibility. And the knowledge that if I don't, vacations won't happen is pretty heavy. At the end of the day, I love vacations, so....I plan. And I resent the pattern.
Holiday Cards are interesting. We've joked about sending them for the last 4 years when we take an especially funny photo, but never actually did until this year. It was impulsive and we have no good photos to use, because pandemic! But the "proof of life" and I think the desire for some connection to our friends and family made it come together. And by that I mean I came up with a creative format/photo collage/made an address spreadsheet to pull it off. TBD if it feels worth it. As long as partner contributes their addresses I think I'll call it a success.
Yes, the Proof of Life can take on multiple weird valances this year — so, so weird
This is totally the thing! that if planning the vacation (or sending a card, or cooking a meal, or other activity) is an enjoyable thing that brings sparkles of happiness, then embrace the sparkle. :)
I only find that the sparkle is dulled somewhat when it becomes clear that others in the vacation group assume they can add things to Vacation Mom's to-do list (like, someone sends a group email, "we should make sure there's activity xyz" but no one else actually steps up to do so). I'll also never forget the year that one of the add-on dude guests - - not a close friend - - wrote to me after I'd sent around the post-weekend "here's what we all owe" and he wanted to argue that he actually hadn't partaken in certain meals/activities, so shouldn't have to pay for those, and it was this whole awkward thing. (*actually this raises a question for me as to whether Vacation Moms end up covering additional or unexpected financial costs because it's just easier than having to nickel-and-dime everyone else)
Thanks so much for this one - I feel like you shine light into every little corner of the Mom-leisure role. It is useful and affirming to read. For me a lot of these expectations were so naturalized so long ago that unlearning is - for now at least - a continual project. In order to resist falling into old "I must perform domestic/family competence" assumptions, I find myself explaining and re-explaining these dynamics to my spouse and to myself. We're getting better about balancing this stuff, but sometimes it feels like the project is endless. You say so much so clearly here, this one is getting shared with my spouse for sure.
I particularly appreciate that you mention the class aspect of Mom roles and performances. I think about this a lot, I feel it in my own habits and feelings about what is expected of me, and I try to thwart it in small ways. But it's a real puzzle, and maybe even a red herring(?). Job, neighbors, kid's school, lack of leisure time, income - the factors that keep people Mom-laboring to fit in, they are an enormous influence on all this. They show up sooner or later in every small Mom-decision, but to what degree can small resistances push back?
It's so frustrating that we spend our lives internalizing ideologies while also trying to un-internalize them, isn't it?
Hah! It is a project. This is a turbulent moment for it too. Things are shifting so quickly, it sometimes feels like our ideologies are struggling to keep up...
I resemble this entire article. Glad I'm not alone!
Okay, I don’t really disagree with anything in this piece, re: holiday cards. It’s all pretty gendered and the lengths taken can be a bit of an eye roll. Certainly a lot of the things are just too cutesy and too much work - I don’t begrudge opting out.
But, but...what about the demand/recipient side of things? As a social media-less millennial male, I actually do appreciate receiving holiday cards from any friend or family who sends. As a somewhat globetrotting parent, I can imagine my family appreciates the (basic, Albertsons gloss 4x6 tucked into a) holiday card we usually send. My cynical heart races at the (however professionally prepared) card I might get in the mail from an old high school friend with kids.
Oh man I have definitely (jokingly?) called myself both Vacation Mom and Cruise Director out loud while on trips at several points in my life. I’m not a very demonstrative person and I think these activities - making pancakes for everyone! Pulling together the spreadsheet and making the campground reservation! - were always my awkward introvert way of being like “hey friends! I love u, let’s hang out!” I did for awhile get roped into planning a yearly tradition trip that started to feel like work so one year I just let the ball drop and lo and behold no one else took over.
Funnily enough as I drifted away from that group I was lucky to make some friends in my mid 20s where I think we all bring just enough Mom to the table and we still travel together semi regularly. Now that I am an actual mom I appreciate that even more! There’s no denying the gendered nature of so many of these things and I find I’m constantly running up against new ones ...who plans the holiday gift for the daycare teachers? Etc
The best and only answer I’ve found for it is just not doing the ones I don’t like, or being very clear with my partner that said gifting is not somehow uniquely on me when I can’t.
We did do a holiday photo card this year. We bought a house and our realtor surprised us with a gift mini photo session with a photographer friend of his. I never would have had the mental bandwidth to organize it myself but I’m actually really happy to have a photo of my whole family together because (as mom!) I’m literally never in photos as I’m always behind the camera. It does feel especially nice to have in this particular year though when we probably won’t get to see any family or friends at Christmas either. At least there was this one little silly moment where we got to be laughing and normal? And I do feel like personal mail feels nice in this year of distancing. I just hope me sending it does not then feel to my friends like a chore they have to reciprocate.
Aside from the whole Vacation Mom/Christmas card thing, this sentence just sums up so much of my life that it hurts: "And a lot of it is performing, just generally, for everyone else — trying to meet and exceed their expectations, and trying not to make anyone mad at me, things I feel like I’ve never not been doing." Yep. Yep yep yep.
Oh wow. There’s so much here! My closest friends and I go camping with our families every summer and somehow the women ended up with “camp names.” Mine is “Mom to All.” Somehow it made me sad and yet it’s true? I don’t do any of the cruise-style planning but just care for everyone throughout. Like stick with kids whose paddleboards are lagging behind, that kind of thing.
I do an end-of-year card with photos, though just random photos not professional. I started it because my husband’s company moved us about every two years and it felt like a natural way to keep in touch with friends we valued. That was pre-social media but it’s come to feel valuable to relationships that might slip away. It’s a very gendered thing in our house. I think of it as part of that uncompensated emotional labor that also maintains social connections. Necessary? No. But I hear from a number of my own old college friends that they really appreciate it. Maybe it’s non-categorizable.
I just read this right in tandem with Lyz Lenz's substack on a similar theme, and I realized that the way I have managed to both embrace my need to be the Vacation Mom and my anger at having to PERFORM Vacation Mom is to keep only the *private* elements of it. So, yes to being the one who sets up holiday decor and arranges to get a tree, because those are for *us*. But I just won't do holiday cards (I did buy a small pack of little "peace on earth" ones to send to family I won't see this year, but not the zeitgeisty photo ones), or make our camping trips more exciting than they need to be? I do try to remind myself that boredom is good for us all, which helps.
It does take a lot of mental effort to opt out, though.
I read Lyz's letter right before this too! I like the idea of keeping the private elements that really are just for you and yours.
Love love love this dispatch. In the early days of our parenting adventure, my husband and I had a yearly fight about Christmas card planning and execution. EVERY YEAR between 2008 and 2019. It mattered to him, but I was the one putting in all the work in the midst of producing holiday magic. Never mind my day-to-day exhaustion from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve, followed by a yearly viral hit post-Christmas that could take me out of commission into the New Year.
I'm playing the long game on Christmas cards. I'm one year away from rolling out my Christmas card retrospective. I've saved every Christmas card we've received from 2011 onward, and plan to send notes to all my mom friends who did all the invisible work. A little dividend on past investment, if you will. I see them. I am them. We're in this together. And now it's basically a group art project I plan to roll with until I'm old and gray.
And one postscript to add after reading the 40ish comments: I can't believe nobody included the Elf on the Shelf as an obvious symptom of Holiday Mom. I have yet to hear of male friends to drag themselves out of bed because they forgot to move the elf. (We had planned to lose Elfie this year due to quarantine, but unfortunately my 6 year old "rescued" him from one of the Christmas boxes before I could jettison him. Now Elfie's slowly re-gaining his will to move again...ugh.
Oh, yes, that damn elf will NEVER gain entry to my household.
one thing that strikes me looking back at my own childhood "holiday magic" memories and current parents' holiday stress is how much my mom seemed to enjoy doing them? she'd put up decorations she loves, sing her favorite songs, and bake the same cookies she still bakes with no kids to give them to. i'm trying to think of anything that was as much *just* work for the parent and magic for the kid as the Elf is. there was certainly plenty of work involved in making the holiday festivities happen, but not the level of "I hate this but we have to do it for the children" I hear my parent friends vent about.
My parents never did Christmas cards and felt kind of bad about it - I am determined to never do Christmas cards and to feel good about it.
Vacation Mom and Card-Maker here. We’ve never done the professional-photographer type of card, but until this year, we always had vacation photos to use. Even in years when we were too busy for big trips, we visited family for a week and went to the beach or on a hike and took lots of pictures. Then this year, nothing. No travel, no family visits, and kids at the refusing-pictures age. I thought about bailing on holiday cards, then decided to use baby pictures of each of us. Somehow, this STILL took multiple hours. For my next trick, I will try to find a rental house for spring break that is within driving distance and close enough to restaurants and (outdoor) activities, but not TOO close. Whee!
Is this why everyone I know has done fancy photo shoots this fall?! All the pictures look alike (sorry) and it may be that I've tipped over into a new demographic with friends who have young kids, new milestones, etc...or maybe it's because no one has any other photos from the year and wanted to change that.
Maybe? For us, fall is when the kids' birthdays are, so it lined up with "a year from the newborn pics" (damn, I'm a type). I also SUPER love the fall and couldn't get married in the fall due to grad school obligations (maybe self-imposed - cringe). Plus, sweaters! Layers! Gorgeous colors! But also when the kid are little, 6 months really matters, so if you want to share recent pics, taking them closer to when you send them makes sense.
That all makes sense! The fall weather, cute outfits, proximity to holiday, and a pile of personal reasons make it perfect for you. I wasn't super coherent, my brain just exploded when I connected the idea that a lot of friends who haven't done one before all doing them this year with the possible reason being holiday cards. A lil splurge and memory of a year that has just slipped by kind of does make sense.
Where are you headed in the spring, Card-Maker?
We live outside DC, so probably somewhere on the coast between Hilton Head and St. Simon’s Island, although I hear many houses have already been snapped up. My last trip more than ten miles from my house was to NYC in late February, so I spent this whole year feeling like I dodged a bullet, which made me perfectly happy to stay at home. But I really am getting the itch to get fresh air somewhere else, if it can be done safely.
I live in GA now, but before I moved I spent a really lovely (very much sand, read, swim, repeat) trip with my mom on Pawley's Island (further north/easier drive from DC). And I enjoyed Jekyll Island (slightly south of where you're looking) on a day trip from Hostel in the Forest (closed because of COVID) in Brunswick.
Good luck!
Thanks, I’ll look at Pawley’s and Jekyll, too!