This is the Sunday edition of Culture Study — the newsletter from Anne Helen Petersen, which you can read about here. If you like it and want more like it in your inbox, consider subscribing. This is a newsletter about people enduring the pandemic alone. I have read hundreds of articles, actually hundreds, on parents’ difficulties during the pandemic, which feels appropriate: it is really fucking hard to be a parent right now. But within the American experience in particular, nuclear families and their experiences are privileged. I don’t mean that in the “they have more money” sort of way (although sometimes, even often times, they do) — more in the “they take center stage” sort of way.
I really appreciated this and as a person who's lived alone for...what feels like forever at this point (12 and a half years at this point), it's been different to process the day-to-day of this time. The joys are definitely there, as are the real fears articulated so well by them.
By many metrics, I had a bad 2020. But I still have my job, I can pay my rent, I'm healthy, and I do have a core group of friends here who, like the folks featured, I've been able to make new rituals with. But I never feel like I've appropriately gotten to commiserate some of the bad things that occur, even with something as simple as a hug from a friend about a difficult loss.
Strange times, and beautiful to see folks reflect on the joys and struggles of an aspect that I know so well
I'm no one else's "ride or die" either, never have been... and I'm at much more peace with that after the last 10 months than I ever have been.
Since I'm in my 50s I paid special attention to the interview with the 51 year old:
"I'm fearful that after the pandemic is over I won't be able to cobble a support net back together — that people will close down and not want to admit others."
This. Some of my weekly meetings I rely on now will stay online only, which is great. But some of those meetings are run by wealthy white cis men, and one of them took a distressing turn just today, which means I may not stay in that meeting for much longer.
Fortunately we're starting to build a tiny casual community around a rooftop garden here where I live in Mexico, locals and gring@s together, and I think that may become part of my network of friendly faces even as some of my current options go by the board.
But for some of us who don't have nuclear families, especially older folks with mental health issues or disabilities like autism ... yep, the threat of marginalization is always there.
"I worry most that I’ll get sick, lose track of time, and not be able to tell how bad I’m getting without a second opinion from someone who can physically see me."
I'm grateful that someone else wrote this fear down. That and "bad day awareness". At work, I went from being a 'two person department' to a 'one person department', thanks to early retirement. and I've realized I how much I unconsciously leaned on my coworker, day to day. It's harder to volunteer your sucky day over text or a phone call, rather than have someone who will just genially say "you look like shit" (in NJ idiom).
Thanks, Anne. I'm 63, have been single more of my adult life than I've been married. Pandemic single means no one but my cats has touched me for most of the last 9 months. There aren't a lot of places where folks acknowledge that single in this culture is hard, so I appreciate this column. After my first 2 decades of adult singleness, I found it hard enough to make a wicked stupid marriage (which he has since ended). Courage to all. https://theperennialgen.com/i-got-married-because-being-single-was-too-hard/
Despite how much I appreciate some of the excellent articles on parenting and children and the pandemic (since I'm a parent and an introvert and have many of the same struggles), I think this is the most beautiful thing I've read about the human struggle of this year. Those other articles help me cope because they reflect a daily life that I seriously need help with, but these stories, right here, they remind me of the deepest parts of being human, of what this is all for. Thank you.
Also, I had a Zoom call a while ago with a friend who lives alone in Austria, and she told me that she'd read a study that found if you lie down on the ground, it can press some of the same shoulder receptors that help you relax when someone hugs you. I have no idea if it's true but I do love lying down on the grass when the weather is good, and it seemed to help her.
Living alone....where to begin with that. Up until February 1st, 2020, I had never lived alone in my whole life. 33 years and I was either: at home, living with roommates, or living with a significant other. I had never lived alone.
And then the breakup happened, and a month later the lockdown started, and suddenly I went from being lower case alone to... ALONE.
Nearly a year later and I can say that it has possibly been one of the best years of my life for personal growth, reflection, and my mental health. It seems weird to say, but I don't know if I could have handled the breakup WITHOUT the pandemic happening; it sort of forced me to deal with things by eliminating all of the crutches and bad habits I might have resorted to otherwise. It's probably good that I couldn't go to the bars. It's probably good that I had no choice but to stay out of trouble. I certainly engaged in some self-destructive coping behaviors at first, but then I was left with no one but myself to reckon with those behaviors, and I think it helped me stop engaging in those behaviors much sooner than I would have otherwise.
I expect that I am maybe an outlier in this way, but for me the isolation was a very difficult blessing in disguise.
"The thing I didn't really expect was how much I miss being touched, and not even in a sexual way. I am not lonely, per se. I don't need someone around me all the time, but I miss just getting hugs from my sister, my niece, my friends, even my crazy mom. " OMG this!!!! A few days ago marked 10 months without touching someone and it's a struggle. I spend way too much time fantasizing about my first post-vaccine touch. Will it be someone random who touches me without thinking? or will I get to run through an airport and jump into my parent's arms as we sob for all to see? Hoping for the latter, but will probably cry happy tears if it's the former. I just need touch.
This is fascinating because these stories have not been the case with my close single friends at all.
I have one that I get together with frequently because their mental health is in a really bad place. Another friend came from out-of-state and stayed with me and my family because after 7 months he couldn't handle being alone anymore. Last month my group of single guy friends started organizing socially distant hikes and they have literally been lifesaving.
The very idea that they are no one's ride-or-die isn't freeing but is instead horrifyingly lonely for them. It comes up in our group chats often. They wish they had a significant other with Star Wars art and Funko Pops littering their houses. Some of them wish they had children, too, and in their youth definitely thought they would by now in their 30s and 40s...and it stings even more now that they don't. The children they did have a lot of contact with (like nieces and nephews) they now have little contact with.
One of the more interesting/curious bits of praises lobbed my way in life so far came before COVID-19 came when someone observed that I am a well-grounded individual. I am not much for praise or accolades and attempted politely discount the well-intended remark with the response: I spend a lot of time with myself.
The remark, superficially off-handed, proved prophetic. In the Age of Covid-19, I wonder, now that so many are spending a lot of time with themselves, how many will become better individuals for it.
I really appreciated this and as a person who's lived alone for...what feels like forever at this point (12 and a half years at this point), it's been different to process the day-to-day of this time. The joys are definitely there, as are the real fears articulated so well by them.
By many metrics, I had a bad 2020. But I still have my job, I can pay my rent, I'm healthy, and I do have a core group of friends here who, like the folks featured, I've been able to make new rituals with. But I never feel like I've appropriately gotten to commiserate some of the bad things that occur, even with something as simple as a hug from a friend about a difficult loss.
Strange times, and beautiful to see folks reflect on the joys and struggles of an aspect that I know so well
I'm no one else's "ride or die" either, never have been... and I'm at much more peace with that after the last 10 months than I ever have been.
Since I'm in my 50s I paid special attention to the interview with the 51 year old:
"I'm fearful that after the pandemic is over I won't be able to cobble a support net back together — that people will close down and not want to admit others."
This. Some of my weekly meetings I rely on now will stay online only, which is great. But some of those meetings are run by wealthy white cis men, and one of them took a distressing turn just today, which means I may not stay in that meeting for much longer.
Fortunately we're starting to build a tiny casual community around a rooftop garden here where I live in Mexico, locals and gring@s together, and I think that may become part of my network of friendly faces even as some of my current options go by the board.
But for some of us who don't have nuclear families, especially older folks with mental health issues or disabilities like autism ... yep, the threat of marginalization is always there.
"I worry most that I’ll get sick, lose track of time, and not be able to tell how bad I’m getting without a second opinion from someone who can physically see me."
I'm grateful that someone else wrote this fear down. That and "bad day awareness". At work, I went from being a 'two person department' to a 'one person department', thanks to early retirement. and I've realized I how much I unconsciously leaned on my coworker, day to day. It's harder to volunteer your sucky day over text or a phone call, rather than have someone who will just genially say "you look like shit" (in NJ idiom).
Thanks, Anne. I'm 63, have been single more of my adult life than I've been married. Pandemic single means no one but my cats has touched me for most of the last 9 months. There aren't a lot of places where folks acknowledge that single in this culture is hard, so I appreciate this column. After my first 2 decades of adult singleness, I found it hard enough to make a wicked stupid marriage (which he has since ended). Courage to all. https://theperennialgen.com/i-got-married-because-being-single-was-too-hard/
"I am going to be 40 in February and I honestly feel like my life is just beginning."
I wish I knew how many times in my life that I felt that I was just (or finally) getting going.
Despite how much I appreciate some of the excellent articles on parenting and children and the pandemic (since I'm a parent and an introvert and have many of the same struggles), I think this is the most beautiful thing I've read about the human struggle of this year. Those other articles help me cope because they reflect a daily life that I seriously need help with, but these stories, right here, they remind me of the deepest parts of being human, of what this is all for. Thank you.
Also, I had a Zoom call a while ago with a friend who lives alone in Austria, and she told me that she'd read a study that found if you lie down on the ground, it can press some of the same shoulder receptors that help you relax when someone hugs you. I have no idea if it's true but I do love lying down on the grass when the weather is good, and it seemed to help her.
Living alone....where to begin with that. Up until February 1st, 2020, I had never lived alone in my whole life. 33 years and I was either: at home, living with roommates, or living with a significant other. I had never lived alone.
And then the breakup happened, and a month later the lockdown started, and suddenly I went from being lower case alone to... ALONE.
Nearly a year later and I can say that it has possibly been one of the best years of my life for personal growth, reflection, and my mental health. It seems weird to say, but I don't know if I could have handled the breakup WITHOUT the pandemic happening; it sort of forced me to deal with things by eliminating all of the crutches and bad habits I might have resorted to otherwise. It's probably good that I couldn't go to the bars. It's probably good that I had no choice but to stay out of trouble. I certainly engaged in some self-destructive coping behaviors at first, but then I was left with no one but myself to reckon with those behaviors, and I think it helped me stop engaging in those behaviors much sooner than I would have otherwise.
I expect that I am maybe an outlier in this way, but for me the isolation was a very difficult blessing in disguise.
This was so interesting to read. Please explore couples without kids next! I have a lot of thoughts about that...
"The thing I didn't really expect was how much I miss being touched, and not even in a sexual way. I am not lonely, per se. I don't need someone around me all the time, but I miss just getting hugs from my sister, my niece, my friends, even my crazy mom. " OMG this!!!! A few days ago marked 10 months without touching someone and it's a struggle. I spend way too much time fantasizing about my first post-vaccine touch. Will it be someone random who touches me without thinking? or will I get to run through an airport and jump into my parent's arms as we sob for all to see? Hoping for the latter, but will probably cry happy tears if it's the former. I just need touch.
This is fascinating because these stories have not been the case with my close single friends at all.
I have one that I get together with frequently because their mental health is in a really bad place. Another friend came from out-of-state and stayed with me and my family because after 7 months he couldn't handle being alone anymore. Last month my group of single guy friends started organizing socially distant hikes and they have literally been lifesaving.
The very idea that they are no one's ride-or-die isn't freeing but is instead horrifyingly lonely for them. It comes up in our group chats often. They wish they had a significant other with Star Wars art and Funko Pops littering their houses. Some of them wish they had children, too, and in their youth definitely thought they would by now in their 30s and 40s...and it stings even more now that they don't. The children they did have a lot of contact with (like nieces and nephews) they now have little contact with.
One of the more interesting/curious bits of praises lobbed my way in life so far came before COVID-19 came when someone observed that I am a well-grounded individual. I am not much for praise or accolades and attempted politely discount the well-intended remark with the response: I spend a lot of time with myself.
The remark, superficially off-handed, proved prophetic. In the Age of Covid-19, I wonder, now that so many are spending a lot of time with themselves, how many will become better individuals for it.
https://iamcolorado.substack.com/