One thing I’ve tried to get better at this past year: figuring out how to better acknowledge the labor that goes into work that I enjoy or that challenges me. That means figuring out how to support the person producing it — including financially. If you’re new here, welcome — I hope you hang around and see if you like it.
I appreciate you writing about this so much. I have spent so much time being angry and frustrated about living in a society that demands that parents build child care infrastructures out of thin air. One aspect of this that really interests me is the ways in which expectations about the kind of care and supervision that children require (and at what ages) have RADICALLY changed within a generation. For almost everyone I know, the "solutions" that our parents employed when we were kids simply do not feel possible or realistic for our own children, and the reasons for that are often unclear, obscured or confusing. Why don't I feel like my third-grader can be at home alone for an hour after school? It's hard to say. Was it really OK for my husband to walk himself home from kindergarten when he was 5? I don't know - but I do know that few parents would make a similar choice today. The way we feel about the need for children to be supervised is rarely grounded in empirical evidence, but it is deeply tied to our emotional core as caregivers and heavily informed by the culture of parenting that surrounds us. If anyone has read smart stuff on this aspect of the topic, I'd love to know about it!
I totally hear you in this. I started leaving my 3rd grader (now 4th) alone at home while picking up my younger child from daycare - about 50 minutes. I felt like I probably shouldn't tell certain people about it. My daughter was sick of having to jump directly in the car after getting home from school. Honestly it ended up being a good decision. Safety is important... so is learning independence. It's tricky to navigate all this in today's parenting culture.
I think that's great that that worked out for you! I feel like there is so little faith around me in the ability of children to govern themselves or be responsible, and it makes me really sad. And the stakes feel higher for reasons that are sometimes hard to quantify, but are also really closely tied to how families with less privilege get policed constantly by their communities about their parenting choices, with very real and dangerous consequences.
I only mention not to say that others "should" do the same, but more to normalize that yeah, sometimes a kid will stay home on their own.
We live in a very rural area so there is less of a feeling of being policed.
My daughter is SUPER into the Babysitters Club books and is constantly asking me why an 10 - 13 yo can't babysit on their own and I'm like.. uh cause it's not the 90s any more?
Yes this was my first thought as Gen X'er about how different the expectations are: care options and affordable ones were there in the 70's and 80's but absent was the idea you needed to have constant vigilance care of a child, you could leave your 6 year old home alone with their 10 year old sister from 4-6 and no one was judging you or reporting your because that was normal/expected, that ten year old not only doesn't need supervision but could indeed babysit for some other kid! Like my parents had after school programs we went to but only until I was ten, after ten I wasn't a BABY I could handle being alone without supervision for a couple of hours at best.
Also that book about French parenting (Bringing up Bebe) emphasizes how wonderfully supported parents are by various programs, but that the culture expectations about parenting are radically different, bordering on benign indifference.
Absolutely! Gen X here as well, and I was a latchkey kid starting in fourth or fifth grade - for many of my friends, it was younger. We knew not to let strangers into the house, we knew to say "She can't come to the phone right now" when we answered it (so that no one would know you were alone), and so on. But I've internalized so many of the contemporary expectations that I have hesitated to leave my (level-headed, risk-averse) 10-year-old home alone until very recently, and even now it makes me worry a little. It's so disconcerting to just feel like this ground has shifted beneath our feet.
Exactly I don't feel upset about how I was raised and I quite liked it, but the idea of doing the same today with a kid in my care for sure seems not possible, for both internally and externally driven reasons. The average age of first time parenting increasing might also be a piece of it too.
I would also add that we lived in apartment communities and often filled with families and often there would be a couple of houses/parents who "babysit' in the broadest, you can come here if you are hungry or thirsty and if you parents want to make sure you aren't lost/dead. More like a community home base, and yes they were compensated but usually very cheaply if at all because the role would rotate and favors would be returned.
I think some of this is another infrastructure thing. I walk home from kindergarten, but was a handful of blocks and lots of adults (moms and retired people) were around AND felt free to comment on your behavior if you were doing something dangerous. If my mom got stuck at the grocery store or something I would have gone to a neighbor’s. When I was a teenage babysitter, neighbors would have come to my rescue. Not to be all Bowling Alone, but ideas about community have changed in ways that isolate people. I mean I felt super presumptuous asking a neighbor to open a jar of marinara sauce when I had a broken arm!!
No, I think the whole "Bowling Alone" situation is absolutely part of it! I had a different experience growing up - we were in a rural area - but it does feel hard in some weird way to ask for help or to go to a neighbor for something. I can see now how much emotional labor went on in my household of origin to maintain those relationships with neighbors - labor that I don't feel competent at performing. But I'm also intrigued to think of neighbors as part of infrastructure - a part that government can't solve for.
Mar 27, 2022·edited Mar 27, 2022Liked by Anne Helen Petersen
'"Finally, I have someone to put as an emergency contact on school forms.'" I felt this in my teeth. I thought it was just me.
I'm quitting my job in higher ed this week rather than return from maternity leave because we can't afford to have two kids in daycare full time. And if we can't afford that, it follows that we can't afford to be a single-income family. This feels like jumping off a cliff and hoping to hell I sprout wings before I hit the ground. This article gave me words to assign to my helplessness, my frustration, my disgust. Your work is so, so important, Anne. Thank you.
I feel so seen by this. I have caregiver burnout right now and that’s with financial resources to make it easier. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have no options, no break. I am currently caring for my mother who is 78 and dying from lung disease. I just put her on hospice yesterday and full time care will begin on Monday. I did not feel able to access the financial resources for help with her care until I knew she didn’t have long left. That’s a terrible feeling. Before her, I cared for my stepfather (who was essentially my father in terms of relationship). He eventually needed to go to a nursing home but we waited way past when it would be reasonable. I left the workforce full time about 10 years ago with the intention of just taking a couple of years off. But then it became apparent that I couldn’t cover all the doctor appointments and emergency situations without constantly needing to be off. I have a daughter in college and one that will go next year. Ideally,
I would be back in the workforce contributing to the cost. But instead I’m working part time and making little. It’s not even enough to justify it other than I need the BREAK and the ability to be able to tell other family members that I’m not available for the doctor appt, etc, on a particular day. I have another caregiving situation ahead of me with my biological father who also lives relatively near me. It looks endless for me as I assume that by the time I finish caring for him, one or both of my in-laws will need me. And of course that will fall to the daughter-in-law bc there is no daughter, only sons and we are the ones that live close. I in no way fault my husband as he is the steady income for our family. But I can’t help feeling resentment since at the age of 49, I feel like my career and the opportunity to do work that I am skilled and educated to do is basically over.
In many ways, I have been in a good position to do this. We didn’t need my income to be financially secure, my stepfather was a service connected disabled veteran so the cost of his final care was covered, my mother has good insurance and I have a sister close that helps. She is the sole income for her family; however, so the first line of care has always been me.
Your words about coerced care are a revelation as I would never say I’ve been coerced into my caregiver position but it definitely is a form of coercion since I am the default option. Thank you for highlighting the entire general care issue.
I loved this piece. I was coerced into staying home with the kids, coerced into taking care of my (now ex) husband's parents. I lost my business, my health, my will to live, and eventually when he decided he didn't need me anymore, my marriage. I got to start over with nothing and it's still a struggle some days. I have been beating myself up for years, thinking how stupid I was to have allowed this to happen, but now I can see that I wasn't the only one, and how our society is set up to do this to women.
I’m in month 7 of an ongoing care crisis for my mother who has had a third stroke and has dementia. I’m in Seattle and I was quoted $11k a month, minimum, for her level of care. This is impossible. So she is now in a hospital awaiting Medicaid approval before she can be placed into a nursing home for hospice care. If you are facing serious elder care issues I urge people to hire an elder law attorney who can guide the parent to spend down their resources to qualify for Medicaid. If they have generous 6 or 7 figure net worth they may have enough resources. But if your parent doesn’t have a lot of resources pick a week of your life to dedicate to planning this now because doing it when you are in crisis is a living nightmare. Good luck to everyone. The whole situation will absolutely break your heart.
Yes to an eldercare lawyer. My inlaws did this and it was very helpful. It still was all extremely confusing but they were able to not lose their house. This is the state of affairs in the US.
Getting a woman in her 80s with Parkinson’s already in an assisted living facility on to Medicaid was possibly the hardest thing with the biggest impact. I am professional federal bureaucrat. On twitter my former boss called this out as evidence of a problem and pointed out I am excellent at paperwork.
I just want to say thank you for Culture Study. I look forward to Sunday's post so much, not only for what you write, but for the wonderful links. It means I start the day reading things that feed me, rather than diminish my ability to be in the world, and I am so very grateful.
I want to second this. I am subscribed to a few other newsletters . THIS one is by far the most well written , smart , community driven , validating.... I forget how I found you Anne but I am so grateful that I did.
I was an elder caregiver for my aunt from 2019 through January of this year, when she died two months short of age 94. She had insurance that allowed her to receive home care and off set some of her costs, but it was an absolute nightmare to manage. The pandemic only made it worse. Thankfully, at the very end (the last six months), the elder care management agency we used decided to offer home health care. It was such a relief to have reliable, well-trained help. But that was the only time in three years that I felt at all confident in my aunt’s care. It isn’t true that nobody talks about elder care - those of us in the elder care community talk to each other. But, it’s probably 20 years behind child care in getting on the general radar. To that, I say: just wait.
I've spent the last several years in what feels like the middle of these scenarios - caring for someone who isn't a child and isn't a parent - a spouse with stage 4 cancer. The systems are broken for childcare and for eldercare, but for someone in a temporary or permanent limbo with chronic illness, there's very little system altogether - at least in my experience. I was alone with my spouse in our home for most of 2020 while he was undergoing invasive surgery and 12 rounds of chemotherapy. No one could come in our home because of the pandemic and his severe immune compromise, and we couldn't leave, except to the infusion center. I worked full time, cared full time and went to school part time - there were days when I repacked his surgical wound while on a conference call. As hard as this was, we were in a position where I HAD a job and insurance to cover his care (without which, 3 years of cancer treatment would have bankrupted us), and his company kept him on their disability insurance even though he was laid off, because he is privileged to work for human beings. I also didn't have to manage childcare or eldercare on TOP of chronic illness care. It's also really hard in the middle of those care situations to pick your head up to be able to advocate for it getting better.
I really want to contribute thoughtfully to this conversation, but I have two sick kids on the only day of the week I can do ANY household maintenan — interrupted to mediate a screaming fight. Done.
I was a stay at home mom when we lived in Wisconsin because we wouldn’t have been able to afford child care. I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family. But sadly found that it didn’t make much of a difference in support, assistance, or any kind of village. My mother did childcare for both of my sisters when they were in need, but I had 4 children- all with either autism or adhd. They were too challenging for my mother to handle. I was able to get daycare assistance once, but then lost it when due to sick children, IEP meetings and school issues with kids that kept me from working the minimum required to keep it. For the same reasons I got fired from my job the week I lost childcare assistance (was a data entry job not in my field and low paid). Since then I have worked part time from home teaching college composition and film courses online. Until my divorce was final last summer, I had very little time without being a 24/7 caregiver.
When I was a teenager, our grandmother moved in because she needed around the clock care. My mom worked 3 jobs as a single parent to make ends meet with us 5 children. We helped a lot with our grandma, but it was very stressful and got to the point that my mom got help from her brother to finance putting her into a nursing home (example of how it falls on the daughter, and zero expectations from the son). She passed two months later and we have all always regretted that decision. My mom said if she knew it was only going to be a couple more months, she never would have done that.
There is so much wrong with both child and elder care systems.
AHP: as a fellow childless adult, I would be fascinated to learn how your reporting has influenced your own thoughts about how YOU are planning for your elder years. I realize you are still several decades away from that time, but does realizing how much care adult children do for their elderly parents worry you at all, since you won't have kids to fall back on? (I do think about this, especially since my brother and sister-in-law are also childless, so I don't even have any nieces or nephews!)
Yeah, I agree. I would like to see a piece either by AHP about her own plans for elder care or AHP interviewing someone else about their plans for themselves. As a childless adult, I'm pretty darn worried about it. I think it will require some radical imagination to pull off a dignified old age for me and my husband.
Honestly, at this point, me and my partner's plan as childless adults living in Europe, is to go to a Swiss assisted suicide association when we're too old to live on our own anymore, and/or we can no longer afford outside care (we'd have to keep enough to pay for the assistance itself) - but it also has to be while we're still able to make an informed decision, so the time window might be a short one. Or there's also the option of going to Belgium for euthanasia if we have a terminal illness.
We do have nieces but wouldn't inflict our dependent selves on them.
Even though social security here is better than in the US, it's still not enough to pay for quality full time elder care... if such a thing even exists, as most elder care facilities are overpriced considering that the care workers are underpaid and overworked, and the system isn't set up to facilitate in-home care - unless it's provided by an unpaid family member.
When I read pieces like this one, I feel overwhelmingly grateful to have decided not to have children. My mom was able to stay home with me, partly because my dad had good-paying jobs and partly because we moved a lot when I was young and being the stay-at-home spouse, the bulk of household packing and unpacking fell to her. With stay-at-home parenting not feasible for me (and much of my cohort living in a big expensive city), I am truly relieved to not have to make constant childcare decisions, along with managing the expenses, questions, challenges, and the coercion AHP describes here. I do not know how I would cope, emotionally, mentally, financially. When eldercare does become part of my life, at least I’ll be able to focus on my parents’ needs without having to worry about children’s as well. We do have a sweet cat, and she fulfills the desire to nurture and cuddle (on her terms, of course).
I really feel this. My brother married someone from Australia and moved there. He has the only grandchildren, and while I often feel guilty for not giving my parents the experience of being grandparents closer to home, I know that when they need care, I’m going to be the one to provide it.
What a rush of emotion it was to read this – incredible piece. I am not yet at the point of having to think about elder care, but I find myself being increasingly shuffled into the "in case of emergency" surrogate parent role for my younger siblings. (For context, I am a quadruplet in my mid-20s with two younger siblings of middle-school/high-school age.)
I am the older sibling that lives closest to my parents/siblings, and I'm the one listed as guardian and next-of-kin "keeper" of any financials in the event that my parents pass before my siblings turn 18 (and for financial stuff, I'll be the point person regardless of their ages). I love my family so much, but it's incredibly stressful to know that there is this kind-of consensual, kind-of-just-expected agreement that, if/when something happens, an entire household will become mine and my current life will...cease to exist.
There's a lot of super-fun related feelings that I can't quite articulate about being the "caretaker daughter" and being labeled as the "responsible" kid from an early age, but that's way more than I can synthesize into one comment right now. I just appreciate being able to put these feelings and doubts out there and think about the eloquence of this piece and other responses. Thank you for this.
Three weeks after our son was born, my husband went back to work and our families all went back home. My husband could have taken leave but we decided to hold on to it, as at the time I was certain I was going back to work. Then, when I decided to not go back to work , him taking leave wasn't an option anymore. My mom isn't/wasn't interested in being an active grandma. Dad hasn't retired and my in-laws they are great for an hour or so visit. All to say, we were on our own. Plus, we were the first in our friend group to have a kid and no one told me (not even sure who would, to be fair) that I should make community during pregnancy.
When I think about it now, 15 years later, it's no wonder that first year was a blur.
We had a bit of a friend group when our son was in elementary school. But then middle school, plus pandemic and now HS, it's back to just us. As we look ahead to being empty nesters I hope we find community, again.
I appreciate you writing about this so much. I have spent so much time being angry and frustrated about living in a society that demands that parents build child care infrastructures out of thin air. One aspect of this that really interests me is the ways in which expectations about the kind of care and supervision that children require (and at what ages) have RADICALLY changed within a generation. For almost everyone I know, the "solutions" that our parents employed when we were kids simply do not feel possible or realistic for our own children, and the reasons for that are often unclear, obscured or confusing. Why don't I feel like my third-grader can be at home alone for an hour after school? It's hard to say. Was it really OK for my husband to walk himself home from kindergarten when he was 5? I don't know - but I do know that few parents would make a similar choice today. The way we feel about the need for children to be supervised is rarely grounded in empirical evidence, but it is deeply tied to our emotional core as caregivers and heavily informed by the culture of parenting that surrounds us. If anyone has read smart stuff on this aspect of the topic, I'd love to know about it!
I totally hear you in this. I started leaving my 3rd grader (now 4th) alone at home while picking up my younger child from daycare - about 50 minutes. I felt like I probably shouldn't tell certain people about it. My daughter was sick of having to jump directly in the car after getting home from school. Honestly it ended up being a good decision. Safety is important... so is learning independence. It's tricky to navigate all this in today's parenting culture.
I think that's great that that worked out for you! I feel like there is so little faith around me in the ability of children to govern themselves or be responsible, and it makes me really sad. And the stakes feel higher for reasons that are sometimes hard to quantify, but are also really closely tied to how families with less privilege get policed constantly by their communities about their parenting choices, with very real and dangerous consequences.
I only mention not to say that others "should" do the same, but more to normalize that yeah, sometimes a kid will stay home on their own.
We live in a very rural area so there is less of a feeling of being policed.
My daughter is SUPER into the Babysitters Club books and is constantly asking me why an 10 - 13 yo can't babysit on their own and I'm like.. uh cause it's not the 90s any more?
That’s one of the reasons why I thought that while the BSC show on Netflix was lovely, it was completely disconnected from the modern day.
Yes this was my first thought as Gen X'er about how different the expectations are: care options and affordable ones were there in the 70's and 80's but absent was the idea you needed to have constant vigilance care of a child, you could leave your 6 year old home alone with their 10 year old sister from 4-6 and no one was judging you or reporting your because that was normal/expected, that ten year old not only doesn't need supervision but could indeed babysit for some other kid! Like my parents had after school programs we went to but only until I was ten, after ten I wasn't a BABY I could handle being alone without supervision for a couple of hours at best.
Also that book about French parenting (Bringing up Bebe) emphasizes how wonderfully supported parents are by various programs, but that the culture expectations about parenting are radically different, bordering on benign indifference.
Absolutely! Gen X here as well, and I was a latchkey kid starting in fourth or fifth grade - for many of my friends, it was younger. We knew not to let strangers into the house, we knew to say "She can't come to the phone right now" when we answered it (so that no one would know you were alone), and so on. But I've internalized so many of the contemporary expectations that I have hesitated to leave my (level-headed, risk-averse) 10-year-old home alone until very recently, and even now it makes me worry a little. It's so disconcerting to just feel like this ground has shifted beneath our feet.
Exactly I don't feel upset about how I was raised and I quite liked it, but the idea of doing the same today with a kid in my care for sure seems not possible, for both internally and externally driven reasons. The average age of first time parenting increasing might also be a piece of it too.
I would also add that we lived in apartment communities and often filled with families and often there would be a couple of houses/parents who "babysit' in the broadest, you can come here if you are hungry or thirsty and if you parents want to make sure you aren't lost/dead. More like a community home base, and yes they were compensated but usually very cheaply if at all because the role would rotate and favors would be returned.
I think some of this is another infrastructure thing. I walk home from kindergarten, but was a handful of blocks and lots of adults (moms and retired people) were around AND felt free to comment on your behavior if you were doing something dangerous. If my mom got stuck at the grocery store or something I would have gone to a neighbor’s. When I was a teenage babysitter, neighbors would have come to my rescue. Not to be all Bowling Alone, but ideas about community have changed in ways that isolate people. I mean I felt super presumptuous asking a neighbor to open a jar of marinara sauce when I had a broken arm!!
No, I think the whole "Bowling Alone" situation is absolutely part of it! I had a different experience growing up - we were in a rural area - but it does feel hard in some weird way to ask for help or to go to a neighbor for something. I can see now how much emotional labor went on in my household of origin to maintain those relationships with neighbors - labor that I don't feel competent at performing. But I'm also intrigued to think of neighbors as part of infrastructure - a part that government can't solve for.
'"Finally, I have someone to put as an emergency contact on school forms.'" I felt this in my teeth. I thought it was just me.
I'm quitting my job in higher ed this week rather than return from maternity leave because we can't afford to have two kids in daycare full time. And if we can't afford that, it follows that we can't afford to be a single-income family. This feels like jumping off a cliff and hoping to hell I sprout wings before I hit the ground. This article gave me words to assign to my helplessness, my frustration, my disgust. Your work is so, so important, Anne. Thank you.
I feel so seen by this. I have caregiver burnout right now and that’s with financial resources to make it easier. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have no options, no break. I am currently caring for my mother who is 78 and dying from lung disease. I just put her on hospice yesterday and full time care will begin on Monday. I did not feel able to access the financial resources for help with her care until I knew she didn’t have long left. That’s a terrible feeling. Before her, I cared for my stepfather (who was essentially my father in terms of relationship). He eventually needed to go to a nursing home but we waited way past when it would be reasonable. I left the workforce full time about 10 years ago with the intention of just taking a couple of years off. But then it became apparent that I couldn’t cover all the doctor appointments and emergency situations without constantly needing to be off. I have a daughter in college and one that will go next year. Ideally,
I would be back in the workforce contributing to the cost. But instead I’m working part time and making little. It’s not even enough to justify it other than I need the BREAK and the ability to be able to tell other family members that I’m not available for the doctor appt, etc, on a particular day. I have another caregiving situation ahead of me with my biological father who also lives relatively near me. It looks endless for me as I assume that by the time I finish caring for him, one or both of my in-laws will need me. And of course that will fall to the daughter-in-law bc there is no daughter, only sons and we are the ones that live close. I in no way fault my husband as he is the steady income for our family. But I can’t help feeling resentment since at the age of 49, I feel like my career and the opportunity to do work that I am skilled and educated to do is basically over.
In many ways, I have been in a good position to do this. We didn’t need my income to be financially secure, my stepfather was a service connected disabled veteran so the cost of his final care was covered, my mother has good insurance and I have a sister close that helps. She is the sole income for her family; however, so the first line of care has always been me.
Your words about coerced care are a revelation as I would never say I’ve been coerced into my caregiver position but it definitely is a form of coercion since I am the default option. Thank you for highlighting the entire general care issue.
I loved this piece. I was coerced into staying home with the kids, coerced into taking care of my (now ex) husband's parents. I lost my business, my health, my will to live, and eventually when he decided he didn't need me anymore, my marriage. I got to start over with nothing and it's still a struggle some days. I have been beating myself up for years, thinking how stupid I was to have allowed this to happen, but now I can see that I wasn't the only one, and how our society is set up to do this to women.
I’m in month 7 of an ongoing care crisis for my mother who has had a third stroke and has dementia. I’m in Seattle and I was quoted $11k a month, minimum, for her level of care. This is impossible. So she is now in a hospital awaiting Medicaid approval before she can be placed into a nursing home for hospice care. If you are facing serious elder care issues I urge people to hire an elder law attorney who can guide the parent to spend down their resources to qualify for Medicaid. If they have generous 6 or 7 figure net worth they may have enough resources. But if your parent doesn’t have a lot of resources pick a week of your life to dedicate to planning this now because doing it when you are in crisis is a living nightmare. Good luck to everyone. The whole situation will absolutely break your heart.
Yes to an eldercare lawyer. My inlaws did this and it was very helpful. It still was all extremely confusing but they were able to not lose their house. This is the state of affairs in the US.
Getting a woman in her 80s with Parkinson’s already in an assisted living facility on to Medicaid was possibly the hardest thing with the biggest impact. I am professional federal bureaucrat. On twitter my former boss called this out as evidence of a problem and pointed out I am excellent at paperwork.
I just want to say thank you for Culture Study. I look forward to Sunday's post so much, not only for what you write, but for the wonderful links. It means I start the day reading things that feed me, rather than diminish my ability to be in the world, and I am so very grateful.
I want to second this. I am subscribed to a few other newsletters . THIS one is by far the most well written , smart , community driven , validating.... I forget how I found you Anne but I am so grateful that I did.
<3 <3 <3
I was an elder caregiver for my aunt from 2019 through January of this year, when she died two months short of age 94. She had insurance that allowed her to receive home care and off set some of her costs, but it was an absolute nightmare to manage. The pandemic only made it worse. Thankfully, at the very end (the last six months), the elder care management agency we used decided to offer home health care. It was such a relief to have reliable, well-trained help. But that was the only time in three years that I felt at all confident in my aunt’s care. It isn’t true that nobody talks about elder care - those of us in the elder care community talk to each other. But, it’s probably 20 years behind child care in getting on the general radar. To that, I say: just wait.
I've spent the last several years in what feels like the middle of these scenarios - caring for someone who isn't a child and isn't a parent - a spouse with stage 4 cancer. The systems are broken for childcare and for eldercare, but for someone in a temporary or permanent limbo with chronic illness, there's very little system altogether - at least in my experience. I was alone with my spouse in our home for most of 2020 while he was undergoing invasive surgery and 12 rounds of chemotherapy. No one could come in our home because of the pandemic and his severe immune compromise, and we couldn't leave, except to the infusion center. I worked full time, cared full time and went to school part time - there were days when I repacked his surgical wound while on a conference call. As hard as this was, we were in a position where I HAD a job and insurance to cover his care (without which, 3 years of cancer treatment would have bankrupted us), and his company kept him on their disability insurance even though he was laid off, because he is privileged to work for human beings. I also didn't have to manage childcare or eldercare on TOP of chronic illness care. It's also really hard in the middle of those care situations to pick your head up to be able to advocate for it getting better.
I really want to contribute thoughtfully to this conversation, but I have two sick kids on the only day of the week I can do ANY household maintenan — interrupted to mediate a screaming fight. Done.
I was a stay at home mom when we lived in Wisconsin because we wouldn’t have been able to afford child care. I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family. But sadly found that it didn’t make much of a difference in support, assistance, or any kind of village. My mother did childcare for both of my sisters when they were in need, but I had 4 children- all with either autism or adhd. They were too challenging for my mother to handle. I was able to get daycare assistance once, but then lost it when due to sick children, IEP meetings and school issues with kids that kept me from working the minimum required to keep it. For the same reasons I got fired from my job the week I lost childcare assistance (was a data entry job not in my field and low paid). Since then I have worked part time from home teaching college composition and film courses online. Until my divorce was final last summer, I had very little time without being a 24/7 caregiver.
When I was a teenager, our grandmother moved in because she needed around the clock care. My mom worked 3 jobs as a single parent to make ends meet with us 5 children. We helped a lot with our grandma, but it was very stressful and got to the point that my mom got help from her brother to finance putting her into a nursing home (example of how it falls on the daughter, and zero expectations from the son). She passed two months later and we have all always regretted that decision. My mom said if she knew it was only going to be a couple more months, she never would have done that.
There is so much wrong with both child and elder care systems.
Appreciate you so much AHP!
AHP: as a fellow childless adult, I would be fascinated to learn how your reporting has influenced your own thoughts about how YOU are planning for your elder years. I realize you are still several decades away from that time, but does realizing how much care adult children do for their elderly parents worry you at all, since you won't have kids to fall back on? (I do think about this, especially since my brother and sister-in-law are also childless, so I don't even have any nieces or nephews!)
This is definitely an ongoing thing and I am very lucky to have a mom who is very conscious about what care necessitates.
Yeah, I agree. I would like to see a piece either by AHP about her own plans for elder care or AHP interviewing someone else about their plans for themselves. As a childless adult, I'm pretty darn worried about it. I think it will require some radical imagination to pull off a dignified old age for me and my husband.
[TW : suicide]
Honestly, at this point, me and my partner's plan as childless adults living in Europe, is to go to a Swiss assisted suicide association when we're too old to live on our own anymore, and/or we can no longer afford outside care (we'd have to keep enough to pay for the assistance itself) - but it also has to be while we're still able to make an informed decision, so the time window might be a short one. Or there's also the option of going to Belgium for euthanasia if we have a terminal illness.
We do have nieces but wouldn't inflict our dependent selves on them.
Even though social security here is better than in the US, it's still not enough to pay for quality full time elder care... if such a thing even exists, as most elder care facilities are overpriced considering that the care workers are underpaid and overworked, and the system isn't set up to facilitate in-home care - unless it's provided by an unpaid family member.
When I read pieces like this one, I feel overwhelmingly grateful to have decided not to have children. My mom was able to stay home with me, partly because my dad had good-paying jobs and partly because we moved a lot when I was young and being the stay-at-home spouse, the bulk of household packing and unpacking fell to her. With stay-at-home parenting not feasible for me (and much of my cohort living in a big expensive city), I am truly relieved to not have to make constant childcare decisions, along with managing the expenses, questions, challenges, and the coercion AHP describes here. I do not know how I would cope, emotionally, mentally, financially. When eldercare does become part of my life, at least I’ll be able to focus on my parents’ needs without having to worry about children’s as well. We do have a sweet cat, and she fulfills the desire to nurture and cuddle (on her terms, of course).
I really feel this. My brother married someone from Australia and moved there. He has the only grandchildren, and while I often feel guilty for not giving my parents the experience of being grandparents closer to home, I know that when they need care, I’m going to be the one to provide it.
What a rush of emotion it was to read this – incredible piece. I am not yet at the point of having to think about elder care, but I find myself being increasingly shuffled into the "in case of emergency" surrogate parent role for my younger siblings. (For context, I am a quadruplet in my mid-20s with two younger siblings of middle-school/high-school age.)
I am the older sibling that lives closest to my parents/siblings, and I'm the one listed as guardian and next-of-kin "keeper" of any financials in the event that my parents pass before my siblings turn 18 (and for financial stuff, I'll be the point person regardless of their ages). I love my family so much, but it's incredibly stressful to know that there is this kind-of consensual, kind-of-just-expected agreement that, if/when something happens, an entire household will become mine and my current life will...cease to exist.
There's a lot of super-fun related feelings that I can't quite articulate about being the "caretaker daughter" and being labeled as the "responsible" kid from an early age, but that's way more than I can synthesize into one comment right now. I just appreciate being able to put these feelings and doubts out there and think about the eloquence of this piece and other responses. Thank you for this.
Three weeks after our son was born, my husband went back to work and our families all went back home. My husband could have taken leave but we decided to hold on to it, as at the time I was certain I was going back to work. Then, when I decided to not go back to work , him taking leave wasn't an option anymore. My mom isn't/wasn't interested in being an active grandma. Dad hasn't retired and my in-laws they are great for an hour or so visit. All to say, we were on our own. Plus, we were the first in our friend group to have a kid and no one told me (not even sure who would, to be fair) that I should make community during pregnancy.
When I think about it now, 15 years later, it's no wonder that first year was a blur.
We had a bit of a friend group when our son was in elementary school. But then middle school, plus pandemic and now HS, it's back to just us. As we look ahead to being empty nesters I hope we find community, again.