Somehow we need to work backwards from a decision made by clear-eyed partners that says the woman should quit her job and see where girls and young women and moms make the choices that end up with them making less, working fewer hours, and being more competent at parenting the children. It is tough for a mom to insist that she needs to work outside the home, even if it means getting by (hopefully) on less. But maybe she should.
From my vantage point of 60+ years, regretting some of my early choices, I know that I enjoyed many of the moments I spent staying home with my kids and regret so much the vibrant career I never had. I got a job (part-time!) which I hustled into a full time job (very low paid!) after my husband walked out on me, but it was never really a career, as much as I tried to make it one.
One thing I know is important is mentors and examples. My dad told me that I was going to grow up to be a mommy. Neither he or my mom asked me what I wanted to be. I did not know a single mom when I was growing up who worked outside the home. I didn't know anyone at my church who did, either. My advisor in college, a man, had no other women advisees, never asked me about what I was going to do when I graduated, even as I continued to excel. Get this: when I started dating a pre-med and wasn't sure what to do with my major (chem), I added a teaching certificate to my schedule "so I could have the summers when my kids were off." Even as I type that, I gag.
Thank you so much for writing this. These are the kinds of stories I’m hearing and seeing and living - and it’s so wonderful to not feel alone in both the exhaustion and anger.
This: " I feel sort of bewildered by the fact that I’m a bright, competent woman who is very concerned with equity, and that I and a lot of women I know like me are ending up in the same place, agreeing to replicate gender roles we wanted to move away from. These are decisions my husband and I made together and they make the most sense. But I also feel the weight of all my lost potential and the lost potential of the women I know."
It's funny that this piece came out today while I was writing about women's labour and how the divide between domestic/non-domestic labour is actually a red herring. I know you know this, but women are pretty much fucked from the get-go. Women are more likely to be paid less/underpaid for their labour outside the home, women are more likely to do the child-rearing so it 'makes sense' for them to take care of homeschooling/childcare etc. Capitalism both needs women's labour to produce endless capital but also needs women to (re)produce more workers and to maintain the home so that the other workers within the home can continue to work.
One aspect, aside from capitalism being fueled by misogyny, that I find deeply upsetting is that since we've internalized these notions that work needs to be fulfilling, that work needs to be our identity, our meaning in life comes from labouring, that, of course, these people are feeling even more so unmoored: they've lost not just income but the way they've been conditioned to interpolate themselves under neoliberal capitalism. I hate it!!! I want to scream!!! I am going to scream now.
"we've internalized these notions that work needs to be fulfilling, that work needs to be our identity, our meaning in life comes from labouring"
I feel this in my soul. I was someone who changed majors in college, have never worked in the field I have a degree in, am not particularly happy with my current job, don't feel like I really have a "career path", and it's a constant existential struggle to come to terms with the fact that other people, including my friends and family, don't actually care what I do to make a living. We are more than our job titles.
It’s a global ‘Shecession’ felt even here in New Zealand. During lockdown out of 11,000 job losses, 10,000 were women. The integrity of data isn’t great however it seems that those most affected are in hospitality, retail and other industries where women are over-represented. There is a big push to get women retraining in trades school - the theory being that retail, travel agents etc will continue to be disrupted but there will always be a need for electricians, plumbers and the like.
I compulsively read these pieces because even while I am so, so privileged and also so lucky (a distinction I've spent a LOT of time thinking about this last six months), I still feel so burdened. I know I have lost mental function -- I make mistakes at work I didn't used to make, I can't read books like I'm accustomed to do, etc.
Laura, I hear you. I read to keep in touch with what others are going through, because I don't want to get stuck too hard in my own pandemic bubble.
What I think you are describing here is my struggle too. I've been so fortunate to retain my work so far (as have both of my housemates, partner included), to work from home without interruption, to have a partner who prioritizes my needs and always does far more than "his share." AND YET. I make increasingly ridiculous deals with myself just to get my job done every day. My energy and my will and my focus are GONE. I complain to myself a lot about my job, which is so good in so many ways! and also deeply unfulfilling.
We are all between some version of a rock and a hard place, but the shapes of those difficulties are very different. I appreciate pieces like this that help me see the scope of the problem, get outside my head, play something other than my own broken records.
Every single newsletter you send out is always so interesting and resonates so deeply, and this one is no exception.
I actually made this same choice, but a couple of years ago. We have two children, one of whom has a lot of anxiety issues. My husband and I were both working, him at his dream job as a teacher at the alternative school my children attend, and me at a tech job which I was lucky to find at our local university which was part time and from home. This allowed us to bring in a really decent combined income, to be there for our children, and for us both to have a career. I had stepped down from a well paying full time role and found half time to be just the right fit.
My grant funded 5 year project came to an end, leaving me with an option to return to full time or quit. We couldn’t both work full time and manage our child’s needs, so I quit. I’ve stayed home for 2 years now.
Pre Covid , it worked well. I never knew on any given day if I would have the school day to myself or need to be there for my daughter, but most days I had 7 hours to clean, take care of the household, work out, and decompress. When everything went online, my husband and kids all were “at school” at home. So now I have zero hours to myself and fit in everything I did before in between helping people with school and making and endless amount of snacks and meals.
I feel bored and resentful most days, feeling trapped in the house playing the traditional “wife and mother” roles many of us are playing now. At the same time I feel very lucky to be able to do so. It’s an odd mix of feelings to be grateful for something you resent. I’m looking forward to a return to the abnormal normal I had before but it feels a long way off. Case numbers are rising in my mostly Republican state.
Somehow we need to work backwards from a decision made by clear-eyed partners that says the woman should quit her job and see where girls and young women and moms make the choices that end up with them making less, working fewer hours, and being more competent at parenting the children. It is tough for a mom to insist that she needs to work outside the home, even if it means getting by (hopefully) on less. But maybe she should.
From my vantage point of 60+ years, regretting some of my early choices, I know that I enjoyed many of the moments I spent staying home with my kids and regret so much the vibrant career I never had. I got a job (part-time!) which I hustled into a full time job (very low paid!) after my husband walked out on me, but it was never really a career, as much as I tried to make it one.
One thing I know is important is mentors and examples. My dad told me that I was going to grow up to be a mommy. Neither he or my mom asked me what I wanted to be. I did not know a single mom when I was growing up who worked outside the home. I didn't know anyone at my church who did, either. My advisor in college, a man, had no other women advisees, never asked me about what I was going to do when I graduated, even as I continued to excel. Get this: when I started dating a pre-med and wasn't sure what to do with my major (chem), I added a teaching certificate to my schedule "so I could have the summers when my kids were off." Even as I type that, I gag.
Thank you so much for writing this. These are the kinds of stories I’m hearing and seeing and living - and it’s so wonderful to not feel alone in both the exhaustion and anger.
This: " I feel sort of bewildered by the fact that I’m a bright, competent woman who is very concerned with equity, and that I and a lot of women I know like me are ending up in the same place, agreeing to replicate gender roles we wanted to move away from. These are decisions my husband and I made together and they make the most sense. But I also feel the weight of all my lost potential and the lost potential of the women I know."
It's funny that this piece came out today while I was writing about women's labour and how the divide between domestic/non-domestic labour is actually a red herring. I know you know this, but women are pretty much fucked from the get-go. Women are more likely to be paid less/underpaid for their labour outside the home, women are more likely to do the child-rearing so it 'makes sense' for them to take care of homeschooling/childcare etc. Capitalism both needs women's labour to produce endless capital but also needs women to (re)produce more workers and to maintain the home so that the other workers within the home can continue to work.
One aspect, aside from capitalism being fueled by misogyny, that I find deeply upsetting is that since we've internalized these notions that work needs to be fulfilling, that work needs to be our identity, our meaning in life comes from labouring, that, of course, these people are feeling even more so unmoored: they've lost not just income but the way they've been conditioned to interpolate themselves under neoliberal capitalism. I hate it!!! I want to scream!!! I am going to scream now.
I have been stifling a scream for so long.
Let it out, I found the momentary release cathartic
"we've internalized these notions that work needs to be fulfilling, that work needs to be our identity, our meaning in life comes from labouring"
I feel this in my soul. I was someone who changed majors in college, have never worked in the field I have a degree in, am not particularly happy with my current job, don't feel like I really have a "career path", and it's a constant existential struggle to come to terms with the fact that other people, including my friends and family, don't actually care what I do to make a living. We are more than our job titles.
It’s a global ‘Shecession’ felt even here in New Zealand. During lockdown out of 11,000 job losses, 10,000 were women. The integrity of data isn’t great however it seems that those most affected are in hospitality, retail and other industries where women are over-represented. There is a big push to get women retraining in trades school - the theory being that retail, travel agents etc will continue to be disrupted but there will always be a need for electricians, plumbers and the like.
https://i.stuff.co.nz/business/women-of-influence/122366842/women-bearing-brunt-of-covid19-job-losses
I would love to get updated on how this moves forward, especially with women in leadership positions.
I compulsively read these pieces because even while I am so, so privileged and also so lucky (a distinction I've spent a LOT of time thinking about this last six months), I still feel so burdened. I know I have lost mental function -- I make mistakes at work I didn't used to make, I can't read books like I'm accustomed to do, etc.
Laura, I hear you. I read to keep in touch with what others are going through, because I don't want to get stuck too hard in my own pandemic bubble.
What I think you are describing here is my struggle too. I've been so fortunate to retain my work so far (as have both of my housemates, partner included), to work from home without interruption, to have a partner who prioritizes my needs and always does far more than "his share." AND YET. I make increasingly ridiculous deals with myself just to get my job done every day. My energy and my will and my focus are GONE. I complain to myself a lot about my job, which is so good in so many ways! and also deeply unfulfilling.
We are all between some version of a rock and a hard place, but the shapes of those difficulties are very different. I appreciate pieces like this that help me see the scope of the problem, get outside my head, play something other than my own broken records.
Every single newsletter you send out is always so interesting and resonates so deeply, and this one is no exception.
I actually made this same choice, but a couple of years ago. We have two children, one of whom has a lot of anxiety issues. My husband and I were both working, him at his dream job as a teacher at the alternative school my children attend, and me at a tech job which I was lucky to find at our local university which was part time and from home. This allowed us to bring in a really decent combined income, to be there for our children, and for us both to have a career. I had stepped down from a well paying full time role and found half time to be just the right fit.
My grant funded 5 year project came to an end, leaving me with an option to return to full time or quit. We couldn’t both work full time and manage our child’s needs, so I quit. I’ve stayed home for 2 years now.
Pre Covid , it worked well. I never knew on any given day if I would have the school day to myself or need to be there for my daughter, but most days I had 7 hours to clean, take care of the household, work out, and decompress. When everything went online, my husband and kids all were “at school” at home. So now I have zero hours to myself and fit in everything I did before in between helping people with school and making and endless amount of snacks and meals.
I feel bored and resentful most days, feeling trapped in the house playing the traditional “wife and mother” roles many of us are playing now. At the same time I feel very lucky to be able to do so. It’s an odd mix of feelings to be grateful for something you resent. I’m looking forward to a return to the abnormal normal I had before but it feels a long way off. Case numbers are rising in my mostly Republican state.