Thank you so much for this article. At 78, I so wish I had the mental clarity and courage of these authors when I was much much younger. My mother was a sad, angry narcissist; my father was a sad coward who never stood up for anyone, ever. As a boomer who went through 12 years of Catholic education and so believed in the church dogma at the time that I considered becoming a religious, I have believed for most of my life that I OWED my parents unquestioning obedience and that I was wrong, always, and responsible for the happiness of my family. It has taken all this time to understand how my mental life led me to become an enabler of them and of my husband, also a narcissist. Much pain here.
This is a crucial essay and message. We do NOT own our children. We are NOT gods who can arrange the adult destinies of our families of origin or even those of our children. Each of us must claim responsibility for our own decisions. Must claim our own courage.
I am amazed by your willingness to accept the reality of your past now, after all this time. Having done it much younger, I think it would be harder if even more time had passed. The pull of an established narrative is the strongest thing there is. The longer it has a hold on you, the stronger it gets. I’m so sorry it took this long, but hope you can feel some sense of pride at your own strength now, today.
I gotta say, all these stories are making me consider my move to the other side of the world in a new light. It's definitely less severe, but I guess it's also a form of boundary setting.
Super grateful for these thoughtful stories from these brave people.
She was covertly sexually abusive throughout my childhood and adolescence. In fact, her abuse was a daily occurrence.
It was hard believing myself when I had a hunch it was sexual abuse because covert incest from mothers is barely talked about, illegible to most of us. I read books on the topic, but it didn't stick, these books mostly talking about covert incest from the father.
A therapist even told me what my mother did was "normal in some countries". This set my healing back at least ten years.
My mother mostly stopped the abuse in my adult age, but would make the occasional icky comment or gesture. When she wasn't being icky, I still saw her a few times a year by force of habit and obligation. I felt mostly antsy and restless the whole time, itching to go away. Being around her depleted me so much that once, during a walk around town, I found myself walking on the grass of someone's property towards their fence. I had no recollection of the seconds preceding this. I figured out that I had fainted for the briefest moment, just enough to veer off path from the sidewalk, but not enough to fall down. My mother's company depleted me so much that I had ***fainted while walking***.
I cut her out four years ago and if I'm honest with myself, ardently wish to never see her again.
I cannot say enough good things about this article and the braveness and clarity of the authors. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts; it helped me immeasurably today and I am sure it will continue to help me. I became fully estranged from my step-dad last year, after an accumulation of 40 years of small hurts - the estrangement has also extended to include my brother and sister-in-law because he sides with his biological father and no one but he and my 'dad' are allowed their own thoughts and feelings. The rest of us (women, not so coincidentally) are all just required to agree and comply. All of this has been really hard on my mom as they are still married. I am struggling with trying to maintain a relationship with her but feeling like I don't want to lose any more.
One of the hardest things for me has been to try and be forgiving but also NOT wanting to be around my family; it has left me feeling like I have given up on them. And I have in some ways but more importantly, I fully believe in myself now. Almost every person that wrote was able to express something of what I have been reaching for. Especially the person that wrote that almost every aspect of their life had improved and that they no longer have to overcome that negative voice in their head. I wish I had done it sooner, actually. There is talk of family counseling. But I am pretty reticent. I think my time and energy might be better spent continuing to rebuild my life in a positive way.
I hope you are able to continue to shift your focus toward yourself and what makes life worth living for you, and away from those who make life so hard. Family counseling would require everyone’s honesty, for better and worse.
I gave up trying to have a relationship with my father when I was a teenager, and 35+ years later, I could count on 1 hand the number of times we have seen each other or have been in communication. There was never any drama or trauma. He had just moved on with his life after leaving my mother and starting a new family. I know I will never know why he chose not to see the adult I had become or his grandkids. Every so often I wonder, "Will I go to his funeral?" I would not mourn for his passing. My "loss" happened decades ago.
Long time reader, first time commenter. Thank you for these sensitive and moving stories; they've really resonated with me. I especially appreciated this paragraph:
"I had never used the word estranged to describe my relationship with my father until today. I haven't seen him in years, we don't speak, and only occasionally have intermittent contact by text message. I severely limit contact with him. Yet the word estranged literally never occurred to me. Reading the request for contributions for this piece, it was like a lightbulb went off. It was hugely relieving to recognize this relationship as estranged and helped me feel less isolated in my choice."
Jennifer and my stories are markedly similar, and my feelings about my relationship with my father are similar to theirs, so reading this has made me feel both less alone and more empowered in my own decision. Thank you thank you.
I have a slightly different spin on this issue. My brother's first wife was a narcissist and an alcoholic. She managed to convince him to estrange himself from his friends and family (first my parents, and then me -- I am his only sibling). After a few years, he left her, and reached out to my parents, who had of course been heartbroken about the estrangement. They welcomed him back with open arms; it took me longer to forgive him, since I had a bad feeling about his first wife from the outset, but he is now happily remarried and everyone gets along well with his second wife.
Thank you to everyone who shared their stories. I am very low contact with my in-laws (particularly my MIL) and while there was one large event that caused that huge shift in 2016, there were a lot of smaller events that made me go low contact for years prior. For years I wanted an apology and eventually had to accept that one was never going to come. The person filling the daughter-in-law role (who happens to be me) would always be her scapegoat because I "took" her precious son "away" from her. (God forbid she only gets to see him 3 days a week!)
It's so hard because I am the type of person who apologizes for everyone and everything because I hate conflict. My therapist literally told me today to stop doing that and to allow myself to feel hurt - I was telling her how sad I was when my orchestra teacher took away my solo and then verbally hurt me in high school and then said "but you know, teachers are overworked and underpaid so he was probably just stressed out..." I let people hurt me and then apologize FOR them since they never will, burying my pain in the process instead of dealing with it.
I think that's a key thing that outsiders miss - it's not just the other person hurting you, but you hurting yourself, too. Limiting or completely cutting off contact stops them and you from hurting you.
Well said. It really is the internalized feelings for me. The physical distance is the only way I can even hope to create internal space for another narrative.
This made me very sad. I experienced these things but in a much lesser way. Why is it that parents do not want to see or recognize as valid the choices that their adult children have made? I see that going on so much. Thank you for writing this. It is so impactful.
Some parents literally cannot admit that they are ever wrong and believe that their interpretation of how things were/are is the only correct one. They also don't think that emotional abuse is real. They can also fail to acknowledge that yes, they can raise their children differently from each other at the same time (having a golden child and scapegoat, for instance, and/or parentifying older kids)
“Estrangement does not have to be the result of some explosive, easily pinpointed traumatic event — it can be a slow accumulation of factors. And the estrangement itself can manifest organically, with no fireworks or slamming doors...”
My brother estranged himself from our family (parents / siblings) maybe ten years ago. A LOT of people I know have no idea I have a brother… and then I’ll reference “my brother” in a childhood story and try to do the quick explanation. But I can’t explain because there wasn’t one event. It just… happened (though definitely related to his narcissistic spouse, which I also saw referenced in another comment about sibling estrangement). I think of him a lot and sometimes can’t believe he’s gone — something I never would’ve predicted even a year before he faded out of our family.
"All of these stories, as one of the respondents put it, are “beautifully complex.” If you’re estranged, I hope they make you feel less alone in some way. "
I skipped saying anything originally, because I don't comprehend it as estrangement because that basically had nothing to do with me, and of course, it's awkward to talk about because people (as you say) are bad at handling this or talking about it, plus they're going to slap an annoying label on one that almost invariably missed the point. So.
"Anna, 29, Estranged from Her Father Her Entire Life"
Ah ha, I did not know Anne Helen meant *that*. The nickel version is my mother met my father when she was a frosh in college and my father was senior and it was the middle of the Vietnam war. So she got pregnant, they got married (might have been the other way around), he went to grad school, she went along, and things continued in that vain for a few years. Whereupon he couldn't put up with her and there was a lot of yelling involved (that I mostly do not remember) so basically he split. Split the marriage, split his job, split town. (Divorce was still shocking then!) They worked out a divorce, she waved child support because she didn't want to deal with it. He came back a year or two later to take to his new place for a visit, stayed for a week, sent me home on a plane by himself, then wrote her a letter, ceding me for adoption to the man she had married and cutting contact, because contact would be bad for me, according to the university psych guy he consulted.
Haven't seen him since. I did check up on him this last decade for reasons of pure curiosity and he was alive, still with his wife and his three/four adopted kids (he adopted her kids). Put it aside and haven't and won't say anything else. (As I said, it was pure curiosity.) I have been very slightly worried he'd drop into one of those old dude nostalgia things and try and contact me; that would be creepy.
My step-dad (not the man who adopted me) is a great guy that I have always thought highly of, to the point of telling my mother she lucked into him and she should thank god for it. That took care of the 'father figure' angle, en passant.
The crappy part is not the loss of my biological father, it's that, for whatever reasons, I wound up severed from his sisters (my aunts) and his mother (my other grandmother) at the same time. But I don't want to be forced to go into some long-winded explanation of my life talking to them (or be forced into defending my mother, or forced into ripping on her), or being dragged into talking to him. All that offers is the prospect of a truly annoying can of worms; *I* didn't do it, it wasn't my idea, I made no one do anything, and I don't see why I should have to carry my relatives' emotional/mental/social/moral/monetary burdens for them, when I have spent a large chunk of my life doing that already.
Little hard to know where to start so I will just say thank you. Thank you to all who shared your experiences, both in the piece and in the comments. Reading this piece felt like a thousand lightbulbs going on at once in my head - so much of it resonated in such a deep way to me, I feel it’s given some clarity I didn’t know I needed.
Before reading, I would not have classified my relationship with my two sisters as ‘estranged’; it was just ‘strained’ or ‘complicated’. But thinking about it from the view of a thousand minor things building up over time, I can see that these relationships have become too much of a weight. Even though I’m better now than I have been at recognizing and not engaging with their shitty behavior toward me, I was still (unconsciously) waiting for that moment when they’d change. They’d realize how bad they’ve treated me, apologize, and we could begin to heal our relationships again. But by waiting, I have still been putting up with these accumulating minor things in the hope that it would some day be worth it.
Things get more complicated with my parents (I’m not estranged from them but their continued inaction toward how my sister’s treat me is incredibly hurtful) but I really do feel more capable in setting those boundaries I need. I’m not bound to them solely because they are my sisters. I can make a choice in distancing myself, just as they’ve made a choice in how they’ve treated me.
(Side note): this newsletter arrived at the most choice time yesterday. I had just had a difficult phone call with my mom, in which she relayed that one of my sisters had covid last month but demanded I wasn’t to be told. This wasn’t surprising behavior but it still hurt. AHP’s email came though exactly when I needed it to and I’m incredibly grateful for the happenstance.
I’m almost in the same boat and reading that someone else is going through this has been comforting. Basically one of my two sisters is a narcissist and incredibly aggressive towards me /attacks me for no reason every time I visit family for holidays etc. I’ve always been somewhat of a family outcast-my siblings are conventionally attractive and worry constantly about their weight. and I said fuck it to these normative heterosexual standards very early on and the narcissist never tired of critiquing my appearance my disorganized and what she calls my selfishness. I live across the country and have tried to visit my parents independent of the holidays. Yet bc she lives only 2 hours away, she miraculously shows up. She also has zero boundaries-a few years ago I was dating a guy whom she considered out of my league -again other side of country-and she started FB chatting him about her life. He was befuddled and tried to be nice. They had never met. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I kept asking my parents to at least express disapproval when she’s in one of her rages at me but they both keep saying they don’t want to get involved and it’s for us to work out. The other sister is so overwhelmed with her own young children/bully husband that I try to not stress her with it. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to visit bc it’s so upsetting and I just end up repeating over and over again in my head the awful attacks she makes on me and watching everyone condone it. But I also feel like not visiting means she wins and I don’t get to spend time with my parents. So I’m not at total parental estrangement yet (though she and I are basically ) but I’m getting there because I’m so mad at my parents, especially their claims that when I push back it pains them to see their children fighting. To make matters worse my dad has a degenerative disease and won’t live another 5 years. So time is short. How do I even frame this? Help.
First, I'm so sorry you have a distance from your sisters. I'm close to one, semi-estranged from the other of mine, and my parents are dead so at least they're not in the mix. I call one of my sisters-in-law my sister; she's closer to me and a better friend, and sisters don't have to share your genetic makeup.
A different perspective on that COVID story, FWIW, and one that I wouldn't have thought of until reading something on that exact topic the other day--this is a bit of a bucket of cold water so stop reading now if you like.
My family of origin has had a terrible habit of talking ABOUT each other and not TO each other, and many of our issues over the years have arisen from the game of telephone, of people repeating things and not getting them quite right or adding their own interpretation that creates additional pain, and never going back to talk to the actual person involved to get the straight story. Those things have lived on, sometimes for years, because it was so circular and indirect.
If you weren't going to be having any contact with your sister so her health status isn't a threat to you, it's genuinely her right to share her medical information only with those she wants to share it with.
Your mom had no business repeating something your sister told her not to, just as you wouldn't want her to share something you asked her to keep private. She's adding to the problem. This doesn't help your issue with your sisters at all, I know. It may provide a little perspective. Again, I'm genuinely so, so sorry.
I am 32 and my parents only knew how to discipline with violence. I would go to school with welts and bruises, always in places no one could identify. I have two younger sisters and tried to shield them.
The summer I turned 16, my mother choked me and it shook me. I went to my youth pastor and told him the truth. Then a week later I got a call from my mother at my job and told I had to go into social services. The social workers gaslit me. I grew up in a small town and they told me that they knew my parents and that they did not believe me. They told me my sisters denied any abuse (I found out this year that as my parents drove my sisters to their interview they were threatened in the car by my parents) and that since I was 16 they would not remove me from my home. If I insisted that there was abuse, all I would do is get my sisters placed in foster care and they would likely suffer. It was so sinister. I backed down, what could I do at 16?
A year later, I graduated high school. It was a divine miracle that I received a scholarship for free tuition and board an hour away and I never lived in my parents home again. I worked two part-time jobs to afford on-campus housing in the summer. I cut off my family and my mother constantly sought means to control me financially because I did not have a permanent address and my mail went there. Once, when I was mailed a new credit card (card expired), she called the bank and pretended to be me, using my social insurance number, to have my credit card cancelled. I called the bank when a transaction was declined and they listened back to the calls and said “yes, this is clearly not you” and asked if I wanted to press charges (I didn’t).
She stalked my Facebook through others. She found the name of my pastor’s wife and looked her up in the phone book(!) and cold called her, sobbing that I was mistreating my family by ignoring them. The women of the church then had an intervention with me to pray for me to forgive my mother … I felt so betrayed by the people I felt were my family.
Then my dad had a heart attack, and I went home. Ever since I have cycled. I only see my parents two or three times a year (they only live 3 hours away) and never for more than two days. I grit my teeth and get through it. It’s been 10 years since my dad got sick… I don’t know why I still visit. Maybe because it is easier. No contact led to constant harassment.
My youngest sister is completely estranged from my parents for different reasons and it is weird to explain why my sister is not home. My extended family don’t know what my mother did and so we lie why my sister is not home. I fully support her decision, but my middle sister does not. This year she said that our estrangement from our parents was not fair to her. It’s felt bad, but also, I have to do what is best for me. It’s hard and I hate it. Every visit chips away at me a little bit.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and continues to happen. This was and is wrong. Thank you for being here and for sharing; this helps others know they're also not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing these. I've been estranged from my mother for 17 years now and from most of her family for a lot of that time too. It's been VERY hard for people to understand and was difficult to do at first (I was just 21 when I cut her out of my life), but it's the best decision I've ever made for myself. As one of the stories noted, "chosen family" models are pretty commonplace in the queer community, but I love seeing these stories discussed in a more mainstream way.
Really appreciate the diversity of stories in this. My husband became estranged from his family almost 7 years ago. I’ve often felt put in the middle or the one who people ask questions to because they don’t want to ask him. While I don’t wish pain on anyone, I wish the topic was more normalized.
Thank you so much for this article. At 78, I so wish I had the mental clarity and courage of these authors when I was much much younger. My mother was a sad, angry narcissist; my father was a sad coward who never stood up for anyone, ever. As a boomer who went through 12 years of Catholic education and so believed in the church dogma at the time that I considered becoming a religious, I have believed for most of my life that I OWED my parents unquestioning obedience and that I was wrong, always, and responsible for the happiness of my family. It has taken all this time to understand how my mental life led me to become an enabler of them and of my husband, also a narcissist. Much pain here.
This is a crucial essay and message. We do NOT own our children. We are NOT gods who can arrange the adult destinies of our families of origin or even those of our children. Each of us must claim responsibility for our own decisions. Must claim our own courage.
I am amazed by your willingness to accept the reality of your past now, after all this time. Having done it much younger, I think it would be harder if even more time had passed. The pull of an established narrative is the strongest thing there is. The longer it has a hold on you, the stronger it gets. I’m so sorry it took this long, but hope you can feel some sense of pride at your own strength now, today.
"We do not own our children" - so true, and yet so seemingly unchallenged.
"Estrangement sucks, and it’s hard, but it’s like that feeling when you open a fresh Christmas tree and the branches fall into place."
Would really like to thank the writer for this sentence.
I gotta say, all these stories are making me consider my move to the other side of the world in a new light. It's definitely less severe, but I guess it's also a form of boundary setting.
Super grateful for these thoughtful stories from these brave people.
I'm estranged from my mother.
She was covertly sexually abusive throughout my childhood and adolescence. In fact, her abuse was a daily occurrence.
It was hard believing myself when I had a hunch it was sexual abuse because covert incest from mothers is barely talked about, illegible to most of us. I read books on the topic, but it didn't stick, these books mostly talking about covert incest from the father.
A therapist even told me what my mother did was "normal in some countries". This set my healing back at least ten years.
My mother mostly stopped the abuse in my adult age, but would make the occasional icky comment or gesture. When she wasn't being icky, I still saw her a few times a year by force of habit and obligation. I felt mostly antsy and restless the whole time, itching to go away. Being around her depleted me so much that once, during a walk around town, I found myself walking on the grass of someone's property towards their fence. I had no recollection of the seconds preceding this. I figured out that I had fainted for the briefest moment, just enough to veer off path from the sidewalk, but not enough to fall down. My mother's company depleted me so much that I had ***fainted while walking***.
I cut her out four years ago and if I'm honest with myself, ardently wish to never see her again.
I cannot say enough good things about this article and the braveness and clarity of the authors. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts; it helped me immeasurably today and I am sure it will continue to help me. I became fully estranged from my step-dad last year, after an accumulation of 40 years of small hurts - the estrangement has also extended to include my brother and sister-in-law because he sides with his biological father and no one but he and my 'dad' are allowed their own thoughts and feelings. The rest of us (women, not so coincidentally) are all just required to agree and comply. All of this has been really hard on my mom as they are still married. I am struggling with trying to maintain a relationship with her but feeling like I don't want to lose any more.
One of the hardest things for me has been to try and be forgiving but also NOT wanting to be around my family; it has left me feeling like I have given up on them. And I have in some ways but more importantly, I fully believe in myself now. Almost every person that wrote was able to express something of what I have been reaching for. Especially the person that wrote that almost every aspect of their life had improved and that they no longer have to overcome that negative voice in their head. I wish I had done it sooner, actually. There is talk of family counseling. But I am pretty reticent. I think my time and energy might be better spent continuing to rebuild my life in a positive way.
I hope you are able to continue to shift your focus toward yourself and what makes life worth living for you, and away from those who make life so hard. Family counseling would require everyone’s honesty, for better and worse.
The tension of wanting to forgive and not wanting to be around them is SO real <3
I gave up trying to have a relationship with my father when I was a teenager, and 35+ years later, I could count on 1 hand the number of times we have seen each other or have been in communication. There was never any drama or trauma. He had just moved on with his life after leaving my mother and starting a new family. I know I will never know why he chose not to see the adult I had become or his grandkids. Every so often I wonder, "Will I go to his funeral?" I would not mourn for his passing. My "loss" happened decades ago.
Thank you all for sharing your stories.
Wondering whether I will attend a funeral is the only real question I have left.
Long time reader, first time commenter. Thank you for these sensitive and moving stories; they've really resonated with me. I especially appreciated this paragraph:
"I had never used the word estranged to describe my relationship with my father until today. I haven't seen him in years, we don't speak, and only occasionally have intermittent contact by text message. I severely limit contact with him. Yet the word estranged literally never occurred to me. Reading the request for contributions for this piece, it was like a lightbulb went off. It was hugely relieving to recognize this relationship as estranged and helped me feel less isolated in my choice."
Jennifer and my stories are markedly similar, and my feelings about my relationship with my father are similar to theirs, so reading this has made me feel both less alone and more empowered in my own decision. Thank you thank you.
I have a slightly different spin on this issue. My brother's first wife was a narcissist and an alcoholic. She managed to convince him to estrange himself from his friends and family (first my parents, and then me -- I am his only sibling). After a few years, he left her, and reached out to my parents, who had of course been heartbroken about the estrangement. They welcomed him back with open arms; it took me longer to forgive him, since I had a bad feeling about his first wife from the outset, but he is now happily remarried and everyone gets along well with his second wife.
Thank you to everyone who shared their stories. I am very low contact with my in-laws (particularly my MIL) and while there was one large event that caused that huge shift in 2016, there were a lot of smaller events that made me go low contact for years prior. For years I wanted an apology and eventually had to accept that one was never going to come. The person filling the daughter-in-law role (who happens to be me) would always be her scapegoat because I "took" her precious son "away" from her. (God forbid she only gets to see him 3 days a week!)
It's so hard because I am the type of person who apologizes for everyone and everything because I hate conflict. My therapist literally told me today to stop doing that and to allow myself to feel hurt - I was telling her how sad I was when my orchestra teacher took away my solo and then verbally hurt me in high school and then said "but you know, teachers are overworked and underpaid so he was probably just stressed out..." I let people hurt me and then apologize FOR them since they never will, burying my pain in the process instead of dealing with it.
I think that's a key thing that outsiders miss - it's not just the other person hurting you, but you hurting yourself, too. Limiting or completely cutting off contact stops them and you from hurting you.
Well said. It really is the internalized feelings for me. The physical distance is the only way I can even hope to create internal space for another narrative.
This made me very sad. I experienced these things but in a much lesser way. Why is it that parents do not want to see or recognize as valid the choices that their adult children have made? I see that going on so much. Thank you for writing this. It is so impactful.
Some parents literally cannot admit that they are ever wrong and believe that their interpretation of how things were/are is the only correct one. They also don't think that emotional abuse is real. They can also fail to acknowledge that yes, they can raise their children differently from each other at the same time (having a golden child and scapegoat, for instance, and/or parentifying older kids)
Ooof, this one hit me hard, especially this:
“Estrangement does not have to be the result of some explosive, easily pinpointed traumatic event — it can be a slow accumulation of factors. And the estrangement itself can manifest organically, with no fireworks or slamming doors...”
My brother estranged himself from our family (parents / siblings) maybe ten years ago. A LOT of people I know have no idea I have a brother… and then I’ll reference “my brother” in a childhood story and try to do the quick explanation. But I can’t explain because there wasn’t one event. It just… happened (though definitely related to his narcissistic spouse, which I also saw referenced in another comment about sibling estrangement). I think of him a lot and sometimes can’t believe he’s gone — something I never would’ve predicted even a year before he faded out of our family.
"All of these stories, as one of the respondents put it, are “beautifully complex.” If you’re estranged, I hope they make you feel less alone in some way. "
I skipped saying anything originally, because I don't comprehend it as estrangement because that basically had nothing to do with me, and of course, it's awkward to talk about because people (as you say) are bad at handling this or talking about it, plus they're going to slap an annoying label on one that almost invariably missed the point. So.
"Anna, 29, Estranged from Her Father Her Entire Life"
Ah ha, I did not know Anne Helen meant *that*. The nickel version is my mother met my father when she was a frosh in college and my father was senior and it was the middle of the Vietnam war. So she got pregnant, they got married (might have been the other way around), he went to grad school, she went along, and things continued in that vain for a few years. Whereupon he couldn't put up with her and there was a lot of yelling involved (that I mostly do not remember) so basically he split. Split the marriage, split his job, split town. (Divorce was still shocking then!) They worked out a divorce, she waved child support because she didn't want to deal with it. He came back a year or two later to take to his new place for a visit, stayed for a week, sent me home on a plane by himself, then wrote her a letter, ceding me for adoption to the man she had married and cutting contact, because contact would be bad for me, according to the university psych guy he consulted.
Haven't seen him since. I did check up on him this last decade for reasons of pure curiosity and he was alive, still with his wife and his three/four adopted kids (he adopted her kids). Put it aside and haven't and won't say anything else. (As I said, it was pure curiosity.) I have been very slightly worried he'd drop into one of those old dude nostalgia things and try and contact me; that would be creepy.
My step-dad (not the man who adopted me) is a great guy that I have always thought highly of, to the point of telling my mother she lucked into him and she should thank god for it. That took care of the 'father figure' angle, en passant.
The crappy part is not the loss of my biological father, it's that, for whatever reasons, I wound up severed from his sisters (my aunts) and his mother (my other grandmother) at the same time. But I don't want to be forced to go into some long-winded explanation of my life talking to them (or be forced into defending my mother, or forced into ripping on her), or being dragged into talking to him. All that offers is the prospect of a truly annoying can of worms; *I* didn't do it, it wasn't my idea, I made no one do anything, and I don't see why I should have to carry my relatives' emotional/mental/social/moral/monetary burdens for them, when I have spent a large chunk of my life doing that already.
I mean, yeesh.
elm
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Little hard to know where to start so I will just say thank you. Thank you to all who shared your experiences, both in the piece and in the comments. Reading this piece felt like a thousand lightbulbs going on at once in my head - so much of it resonated in such a deep way to me, I feel it’s given some clarity I didn’t know I needed.
Before reading, I would not have classified my relationship with my two sisters as ‘estranged’; it was just ‘strained’ or ‘complicated’. But thinking about it from the view of a thousand minor things building up over time, I can see that these relationships have become too much of a weight. Even though I’m better now than I have been at recognizing and not engaging with their shitty behavior toward me, I was still (unconsciously) waiting for that moment when they’d change. They’d realize how bad they’ve treated me, apologize, and we could begin to heal our relationships again. But by waiting, I have still been putting up with these accumulating minor things in the hope that it would some day be worth it.
Things get more complicated with my parents (I’m not estranged from them but their continued inaction toward how my sister’s treat me is incredibly hurtful) but I really do feel more capable in setting those boundaries I need. I’m not bound to them solely because they are my sisters. I can make a choice in distancing myself, just as they’ve made a choice in how they’ve treated me.
(Side note): this newsletter arrived at the most choice time yesterday. I had just had a difficult phone call with my mom, in which she relayed that one of my sisters had covid last month but demanded I wasn’t to be told. This wasn’t surprising behavior but it still hurt. AHP’s email came though exactly when I needed it to and I’m incredibly grateful for the happenstance.
I’m almost in the same boat and reading that someone else is going through this has been comforting. Basically one of my two sisters is a narcissist and incredibly aggressive towards me /attacks me for no reason every time I visit family for holidays etc. I’ve always been somewhat of a family outcast-my siblings are conventionally attractive and worry constantly about their weight. and I said fuck it to these normative heterosexual standards very early on and the narcissist never tired of critiquing my appearance my disorganized and what she calls my selfishness. I live across the country and have tried to visit my parents independent of the holidays. Yet bc she lives only 2 hours away, she miraculously shows up. She also has zero boundaries-a few years ago I was dating a guy whom she considered out of my league -again other side of country-and she started FB chatting him about her life. He was befuddled and tried to be nice. They had never met. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I kept asking my parents to at least express disapproval when she’s in one of her rages at me but they both keep saying they don’t want to get involved and it’s for us to work out. The other sister is so overwhelmed with her own young children/bully husband that I try to not stress her with it. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to visit bc it’s so upsetting and I just end up repeating over and over again in my head the awful attacks she makes on me and watching everyone condone it. But I also feel like not visiting means she wins and I don’t get to spend time with my parents. So I’m not at total parental estrangement yet (though she and I are basically ) but I’m getting there because I’m so mad at my parents, especially their claims that when I push back it pains them to see their children fighting. To make matters worse my dad has a degenerative disease and won’t live another 5 years. So time is short. How do I even frame this? Help.
First, I'm so sorry you have a distance from your sisters. I'm close to one, semi-estranged from the other of mine, and my parents are dead so at least they're not in the mix. I call one of my sisters-in-law my sister; she's closer to me and a better friend, and sisters don't have to share your genetic makeup.
A different perspective on that COVID story, FWIW, and one that I wouldn't have thought of until reading something on that exact topic the other day--this is a bit of a bucket of cold water so stop reading now if you like.
My family of origin has had a terrible habit of talking ABOUT each other and not TO each other, and many of our issues over the years have arisen from the game of telephone, of people repeating things and not getting them quite right or adding their own interpretation that creates additional pain, and never going back to talk to the actual person involved to get the straight story. Those things have lived on, sometimes for years, because it was so circular and indirect.
If you weren't going to be having any contact with your sister so her health status isn't a threat to you, it's genuinely her right to share her medical information only with those she wants to share it with.
Your mom had no business repeating something your sister told her not to, just as you wouldn't want her to share something you asked her to keep private. She's adding to the problem. This doesn't help your issue with your sisters at all, I know. It may provide a little perspective. Again, I'm genuinely so, so sorry.
Thank you so much for this article.
I am 32 and my parents only knew how to discipline with violence. I would go to school with welts and bruises, always in places no one could identify. I have two younger sisters and tried to shield them.
The summer I turned 16, my mother choked me and it shook me. I went to my youth pastor and told him the truth. Then a week later I got a call from my mother at my job and told I had to go into social services. The social workers gaslit me. I grew up in a small town and they told me that they knew my parents and that they did not believe me. They told me my sisters denied any abuse (I found out this year that as my parents drove my sisters to their interview they were threatened in the car by my parents) and that since I was 16 they would not remove me from my home. If I insisted that there was abuse, all I would do is get my sisters placed in foster care and they would likely suffer. It was so sinister. I backed down, what could I do at 16?
A year later, I graduated high school. It was a divine miracle that I received a scholarship for free tuition and board an hour away and I never lived in my parents home again. I worked two part-time jobs to afford on-campus housing in the summer. I cut off my family and my mother constantly sought means to control me financially because I did not have a permanent address and my mail went there. Once, when I was mailed a new credit card (card expired), she called the bank and pretended to be me, using my social insurance number, to have my credit card cancelled. I called the bank when a transaction was declined and they listened back to the calls and said “yes, this is clearly not you” and asked if I wanted to press charges (I didn’t).
She stalked my Facebook through others. She found the name of my pastor’s wife and looked her up in the phone book(!) and cold called her, sobbing that I was mistreating my family by ignoring them. The women of the church then had an intervention with me to pray for me to forgive my mother … I felt so betrayed by the people I felt were my family.
Then my dad had a heart attack, and I went home. Ever since I have cycled. I only see my parents two or three times a year (they only live 3 hours away) and never for more than two days. I grit my teeth and get through it. It’s been 10 years since my dad got sick… I don’t know why I still visit. Maybe because it is easier. No contact led to constant harassment.
My youngest sister is completely estranged from my parents for different reasons and it is weird to explain why my sister is not home. My extended family don’t know what my mother did and so we lie why my sister is not home. I fully support her decision, but my middle sister does not. This year she said that our estrangement from our parents was not fair to her. It’s felt bad, but also, I have to do what is best for me. It’s hard and I hate it. Every visit chips away at me a little bit.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and continues to happen. This was and is wrong. Thank you for being here and for sharing; this helps others know they're also not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing these. I've been estranged from my mother for 17 years now and from most of her family for a lot of that time too. It's been VERY hard for people to understand and was difficult to do at first (I was just 21 when I cut her out of my life), but it's the best decision I've ever made for myself. As one of the stories noted, "chosen family" models are pretty commonplace in the queer community, but I love seeing these stories discussed in a more mainstream way.
Really appreciate the diversity of stories in this. My husband became estranged from his family almost 7 years ago. I’ve often felt put in the middle or the one who people ask questions to because they don’t want to ask him. While I don’t wish pain on anyone, I wish the topic was more normalized.
Or that people weren't so nosy! If you and he don't volunteer the information it's clearly none of their business.