So excited to read this!! My 20s (and early 30s) were nothing if not a series of existential crises. I had that “no one understands me” teenager feeling much more during those years than when I was an actual teen. The stability/meaning distinction has already added lightbulb context.. I’m so excited to read this book! Thank you!
Yes! When I was 27 I started really exploring spiritual and religious meaning and went through a series of existential crises as I started to define my own theology beyond what I was taught. It was hard because I received a lot of resistance (and lost a close friend over it) but it also taught me who truly cared for me despite my beliefs. (It honestly positively blows my mind how many people from my old church still love and support me despite me now having very divergent beliefs from mainstream white Protestant Christianity!)
Wow the stability & meaning types really struck a chord with me!! In reflecting on my life, I see how I chose stability in my career (guaranteed job & salary by going to medical school), which allowed me to choose the freedom of meaning in my personal life. Haven’t had much in the way of long term romantic relationships & no kids so missing a lot of the normal societal markers in my late 30s. But I have several full passports, wonderful friends, and lots of interests and hobbies. All things that are wonderful & enrich my life, but are not celebrated the way stability is. And interestingly I’m at the point where I’m starting to deconstruct the stable career & find something out of it that brings me greater meaning than the corporate, capitalist grind of modern medicine. Very excited to read this book!!
This might be record time for going from “never heard of this concept or person” to “this is essential to my life and I must know more immediately!!!” I faked being a Stability Type so well for so long, but gradually more and more of my decisions were that of a Meaning Type… which for course just looks to others like you’re slowly losing it. This is such a helpful way of expressing that experience.
Wow! I found so much comfort in the words "these years really are meant to be more meandering than about perpetual, unreflective upward growth." It makes me feel better for not having achieved "enough" by this point (I'm 35.5).
I read this and think "of course I started grad school when I was 25 and then graduated at 30!" Now I also feel like I have a better answer when people do the math (which happened again yesterday) and realize that my husband and I got married when I was 26 and I gave birth to our daughter at 32 and ask about the gap. I didn't want to immediately climb the life escalator - I wanted to meander as I took time to learn and start my career, focus on my partner, and deal with our health issues. In my daughter's young years I've been focused on survival and not on career productivity and promotions.
But even if we take a step back, if I had done none of those things and just focused on pursuing meaning, that would have been enough in my quarterlife. It's nice to think that even when I thought I was failing these past 10 years that instead I was still being an overachiever!
the notion of the "Saturn Return" in astrology kept coming to mind as i read through this piece. Maybe that something only a Meaning type would understand...
As someone who spent my mid 20's getting a PhD (and then deciding to leave academia) this all resonated so much. Now, when I think about those years through the lens of my Stability Self side I wonder why I spent so much time getting a degree that I didn't end up utilizing for the main end goal (a tenure track job). However, the Meaning Self side of me is so grateful for those years where I developed some of my most important friendships, lived in an area I loved, discovered long distance running, and it eventually led to a career I'm excited about.
to be perfectly honest, I bristle with a lot of this. I'm not unstable because I'm searching for meaning or unhappy with society's expectations of me. I'm unstable because of material factors in our society. I hope the book engages with the realities of class for people in this age group and doesn't only focus on those with the luxury to have their biggest problem be whether they feel whole.
I definitely suffered through a Quarterlife crisis. I was very much affected by the glorification of early achievers - tech founders, brilliant young novelists, designers, performers - who made it big in their 20s. I felt like I was not keeping up, even though, in retrospect, I was doing very well. If I could wave a magic wand, I would do away with “30 Under 30” style lists and just leave people alone to experiment and grow.
Yep. They also only show one dimension of a person - the career side - which doesn't tell the whole story behind their success. I have a former co-worker who won one of these awards several years ago and of course it doesn't mention that a huge part of his "dedicated work ethic" is possible because his wife is a stay-at-home mom and they have supportive family nearby. Of course he can be a top consultant who travels frequently internationally when his only major responsibility is his job!
In my industry, the national conference is in a nearby city this year for the first time in six years and I don't think I'll be able to go because I can't handle the extra cost right now (I'm broke paying for daughter's preschool) and because the timing is bad due to the school schedule. Mister 40 Under 40 never had to worry about that.
As a therapist (trained psychodynamically, with a prof SUPER into Jung) I want to give this 100 likes and go read Quarterlife. I too feel like I was meaning oriented in my 20s and am now Stability in my 30s while I raise two small kids, but I eagerly await a return to Meaning. Can’t wait to read the book!
So interesting! I spent my 20s in the meaning zone & my 30s in stability. I interchanged social justice work with trips to Europe & then made my way to seminary after a woman who had lived in Chile with the Maryknolls envisioned me in the Bay Area in grad school & working with asylum seekers. (Spoiler alert--it happened as she said it would). For stability sake I became a hospital chaplain and did that for 15 years. All those good years into my 40s facing the fragility of life + death and dying every day. I am pretty sure Ira Byock is related to this author. I met him once, at a medical assoc. meeting. Truly a good human, doing such important work with those in their third third of their lives.
As someone who is feeling so, so lost in quarterlife (and I love that term), I wanted more answers from this book. I really enjoyed drawing my two selves (a meaning self on one side and a stability self on the other) and thinking about where their values overlapped. Of course it is absolutely a lot of pressure to put on a book as far as being able to offer answers to one specific person, but I wished that I could follow one of the routes that the four composite patients follow at the end.
I'm 27 and I describe the last year or two of my life since I finished my PhD as "my 1/3 life crisis", so this interview really resonates with me. I will definitely check out the book!
So excited to read this!! My 20s (and early 30s) were nothing if not a series of existential crises. I had that “no one understands me” teenager feeling much more during those years than when I was an actual teen. The stability/meaning distinction has already added lightbulb context.. I’m so excited to read this book! Thank you!
Yes! When I was 27 I started really exploring spiritual and religious meaning and went through a series of existential crises as I started to define my own theology beyond what I was taught. It was hard because I received a lot of resistance (and lost a close friend over it) but it also taught me who truly cared for me despite my beliefs. (It honestly positively blows my mind how many people from my old church still love and support me despite me now having very divergent beliefs from mainstream white Protestant Christianity!)
Wow the stability & meaning types really struck a chord with me!! In reflecting on my life, I see how I chose stability in my career (guaranteed job & salary by going to medical school), which allowed me to choose the freedom of meaning in my personal life. Haven’t had much in the way of long term romantic relationships & no kids so missing a lot of the normal societal markers in my late 30s. But I have several full passports, wonderful friends, and lots of interests and hobbies. All things that are wonderful & enrich my life, but are not celebrated the way stability is. And interestingly I’m at the point where I’m starting to deconstruct the stable career & find something out of it that brings me greater meaning than the corporate, capitalist grind of modern medicine. Very excited to read this book!!
This might be record time for going from “never heard of this concept or person” to “this is essential to my life and I must know more immediately!!!” I faked being a Stability Type so well for so long, but gradually more and more of my decisions were that of a Meaning Type… which for course just looks to others like you’re slowly losing it. This is such a helpful way of expressing that experience.
Wow! I found so much comfort in the words "these years really are meant to be more meandering than about perpetual, unreflective upward growth." It makes me feel better for not having achieved "enough" by this point (I'm 35.5).
I read this and think "of course I started grad school when I was 25 and then graduated at 30!" Now I also feel like I have a better answer when people do the math (which happened again yesterday) and realize that my husband and I got married when I was 26 and I gave birth to our daughter at 32 and ask about the gap. I didn't want to immediately climb the life escalator - I wanted to meander as I took time to learn and start my career, focus on my partner, and deal with our health issues. In my daughter's young years I've been focused on survival and not on career productivity and promotions.
But even if we take a step back, if I had done none of those things and just focused on pursuing meaning, that would have been enough in my quarterlife. It's nice to think that even when I thought I was failing these past 10 years that instead I was still being an overachiever!
the notion of the "Saturn Return" in astrology kept coming to mind as i read through this piece. Maybe that something only a Meaning type would understand...
As someone who spent my mid 20's getting a PhD (and then deciding to leave academia) this all resonated so much. Now, when I think about those years through the lens of my Stability Self side I wonder why I spent so much time getting a degree that I didn't end up utilizing for the main end goal (a tenure track job). However, the Meaning Self side of me is so grateful for those years where I developed some of my most important friendships, lived in an area I loved, discovered long distance running, and it eventually led to a career I'm excited about.
to be perfectly honest, I bristle with a lot of this. I'm not unstable because I'm searching for meaning or unhappy with society's expectations of me. I'm unstable because of material factors in our society. I hope the book engages with the realities of class for people in this age group and doesn't only focus on those with the luxury to have their biggest problem be whether they feel whole.
It does!
I definitely suffered through a Quarterlife crisis. I was very much affected by the glorification of early achievers - tech founders, brilliant young novelists, designers, performers - who made it big in their 20s. I felt like I was not keeping up, even though, in retrospect, I was doing very well. If I could wave a magic wand, I would do away with “30 Under 30” style lists and just leave people alone to experiment and grow.
Yes! I loathe the "Top 30 Under 30" and "Top 40 Under 40" Lists!
Of course, some of the choices are completely valid. But the lists can turn into bets on “who will become famous so we can get access to them later.”
Yep. They also only show one dimension of a person - the career side - which doesn't tell the whole story behind their success. I have a former co-worker who won one of these awards several years ago and of course it doesn't mention that a huge part of his "dedicated work ethic" is possible because his wife is a stay-at-home mom and they have supportive family nearby. Of course he can be a top consultant who travels frequently internationally when his only major responsibility is his job!
In my industry, the national conference is in a nearby city this year for the first time in six years and I don't think I'll be able to go because I can't handle the extra cost right now (I'm broke paying for daughter's preschool) and because the timing is bad due to the school schedule. Mister 40 Under 40 never had to worry about that.
As a therapist (trained psychodynamically, with a prof SUPER into Jung) I want to give this 100 likes and go read Quarterlife. I too feel like I was meaning oriented in my 20s and am now Stability in my 30s while I raise two small kids, but I eagerly await a return to Meaning. Can’t wait to read the book!
So interesting! I spent my 20s in the meaning zone & my 30s in stability. I interchanged social justice work with trips to Europe & then made my way to seminary after a woman who had lived in Chile with the Maryknolls envisioned me in the Bay Area in grad school & working with asylum seekers. (Spoiler alert--it happened as she said it would). For stability sake I became a hospital chaplain and did that for 15 years. All those good years into my 40s facing the fragility of life + death and dying every day. I am pretty sure Ira Byock is related to this author. I met him once, at a medical assoc. meeting. Truly a good human, doing such important work with those in their third third of their lives.
As someone who is feeling so, so lost in quarterlife (and I love that term), I wanted more answers from this book. I really enjoyed drawing my two selves (a meaning self on one side and a stability self on the other) and thinking about where their values overlapped. Of course it is absolutely a lot of pressure to put on a book as far as being able to offer answers to one specific person, but I wished that I could follow one of the routes that the four composite patients follow at the end.
I'm 27 and I describe the last year or two of my life since I finished my PhD as "my 1/3 life crisis", so this interview really resonates with me. I will definitely check out the book!
I have also referred to a 1/3 life crisis many times over the last 2 years...